The Sunday School teacher challenged the children to do good deeds during the following week, and the next Sunday, she asked the children to report what they had done.
A boy stood and said, "I helped an old lady cross the street."
A second boy stood and said, "I helped her across, too."
stood and said, "Me, too."
"Do you mean," said the teacher,
"that it took three of you to help one old lady cross the street?"
"Oh yes, ma'am," said the first boy. "You see, the old lady didn't want to cross the street."
The pastor, who had taken up art as a hobby, was talking with a friend.
"When I look at one of your paintings," the friend said, "all I can do is stand and wonder."
"Wonder how I do it?" asked the pastor.
"No," his friend said, "why you do it."
As the bride was walking down the aisle, a lady loudly whispered to the man next to her, "Can you imagine, they've only known each other three weeks, and they are getting married!"
the man, "it's one way to get acquainted."
One of the world's great puzzles is how the boy who wasn't good enough to become the pastor's son-in-law, became the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
The pastor's daughter said to her date, "You remind me of the ocean!"
"You mean," he asked, "because I am so wild, magnificent and romantic?"
"No," she said, "because you make me sick."
The deacon's little boy lost a baby tooth and tucked it under his pillow. The next morning he found money under his pillow from the "tooth fairy."
That night, after she was asleep, he stealthily took his grandmother's upper plate from her nightstand and tucked it under his pillow, hoping for enough money to buy a bicycle.
The pastor's wife answered the doorbell, and there stood the same homeless person for the tenth time. "Look here," she said, "why do you always come to my house to beg?"
"Doctor's orders, lady," the homeless man said.
"What do you mean, doctor's orders?" she asked.
"He told me," the man said, "that when I found food that agreed with me, I should stick to it."
The pastor of a liberal church was counseling a recently married young woman who was new to his congregation. "I'm sick of marriage," said the new bride. "Bill hasn't kissed me once since I came back from my honeymoon."
"Why that's terrible," replied the liberal pastor, "have you thought about divorcing him?"
"Divorce him?" said the bride. "Oh you misunderstand. I'm not married to Bill."
The secret to a happy life is when your spouse has low expectations.
Promoting marriage, God promised men that obedient wives would be found in all four corners of the world. And then He smiled and made the earth round.
The deacon was reading the newspaper while he and his wife ate breakfast. He looked up from his reading and said, "You know, it's strange that the biggest idiots always seem to marry the prettiest women!"
"Oh," replied his wife, "You're just trying to flatter me."
Two women from the church foreign missions committee were riding on a bus together. One of them realized she had not paid the fare.
"I'll go give it to the driver now," she said.
"Why bother? Use the money for something else!" advised the other woman.
"The pastor said that honesty pays," the first woman said. And she went forward to pay the driver.
"See, I told you that honesty pays!" she said when she came back. "I gave the driver a dollar and he gave me change for five dollars."
A little girl began talking loudly while sitting in church with her mother. "Shhh" her mother whispered, "this is God's house."
The child became silent for a moment as she
turned her head and began looking at members of the congregation. "Which one is God?" she asked her mother.
"God's not here. He's in heaven," her mother replied.
The girl continued looking around the sanctuary and then announced to her mother, "Well, God better get home pretty soon! He's got lots of people waiting for Him!"
The pastor's daughter was speaking to her father: "Daddy, you'll love my new boyfriend, he's not a Christian, but he is so nice and polite."
Her father said, "So he's not a Christian. But what kind of man is he? Does he have any money?"
The daughter responded, "Honestly, you men are all alike. He asked me the same question about you!"
The Church Board of Directors decided that the pastor was working too many hours a day after it was noticed that the bumper sticker on the pastor's car said: "Give me coffee and no one gets hurt!"
Submitted by Paul Russell:
Henry was now the proud owner of an heirloom wrench that had belonged to his great-grandfather, but was passed down, first to his grandfather, then to his father, and on his 18th birthday, it had come to him. But he dropped it somewhere in his back yard and because of the tall grass, he could not find it. Henry's father was bringing his grandfather to visit on that very day to celebrate the grandfather's 90th birthday, and they would be distraught about the loss of the special wrench.
Henry's dog, Grace, a hound, was rooting around in the back yard. She found the wrench, clenched it firmly in her jaws and raced around to the front of the house just in time, for Henry's father and grandfather were exiting the car at the curb at just that moment.
Henry heard the car, opened the front door, looked down and saw Grace the hound with the wrench in her jaws, wagging her tail for attention.
His father and grandfather were surprised when they clearly heard Henry sing out, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the hound that saved my wrench for me."
The pastor's 6-year old son was delighted as his mother told him: "You're going to have a baby brother. He'll be here at our house in a few months."
The boy continued to be excited and told everybody he knew about this wondrous event.
His mother started to show and then the baby began to move. One day she said to her son, "Put your hand here and feel the baby move." He did feel it and was startled, quickly pulling his hand away.
The son stopped talking about the baby and one day his teacher at school asked him, "What about the baby you were talking about? What happened? Is everything OK?"
"No," the boy answered, and he began to cry. "I think my mother ate him."
One evening the young pastor visited the home of a wealthy parishioner to thank him for his generous donations. During the visit, the pastor asked the parishioner how he had become so rich.
"It's a long story," replied the parishioner, "and while I am telling it we might as well save electricity." He then turned out the lights.
"No need to tell the story," said the young pastor, "I get the message."
"I wonder what women will wear in heaven?" a woman asked her husband.
"I don't know," her husband said, "but I suppose you'd want to get the most expensive clothes, just like here!"
"That's something you don't have to worry about," she said. "You won't be up there to pay for them."
The deacon was pulled over by a patrolman who walked up to the deacon's car and observed that a teenaged boy sat in the front passenger seat listening intently to his IPod while two women in the back continuously yelled at the driver: "You were driving too fast... You left the blinker on... You did a rolling stop... You passed on the right..." and more.
Instead of writing a ticket, the patrolman closed his book and started to walk back to his motorcycle. The deacon called out to him, "Aren't you going to give me a ticket?"
The patrolman answered, while still walking away, "No, you've already suffered enough!"
A missionary from another continent visited the Sunday school and was telling the children about conditions in the country he served. "And just think," he told the children, "there isn't a Sunday school for two thousand miles. Now, you know what you should save your money for, don't you?"
"Yes," said a little boy, "to buy a ticket to that country!"
The deacon's wife said to him at a church buffet supper: "That's the fifth time you've gone back for more fried chicken. Doesn't it embarrass you?"
"Not at all," he replied. "I keep telling them I'm getting it for you."
The parishioner contributed to the beggar on crutches who was outside the church door every Sunday, but she couldn't resist the temptation to preach to him.
"It must be terrible to be lame," she said, "but think how much worse it is to be paralyzed or blind"
"That's right, lady," he replied. "When I was blind, people kept passing counterfeit money off on me."
It was the little boy's first Sunday school picnic and he became lost in the crowd. His mother had been searching for him, when suddenly she heard his voice cry, "Debbie, Debbie."
When his mother reached him, she asked why he had called her by her name, "Debbie," which he had never done before.
"Well," answered the little boy, "It won't help to call out 'Mom' because there are mothers all over the place."
Friday Study Ministries
PO Box 92131
Long Beach, CA 90809-2131