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Humor 2011

 Friday Study Ministries


Humor 20
11

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The pastor had recently changed his schedule to include two Sunday evening services and he returned home late, tired and weary.
"How did your services go this evening?" his wife asked when he returned home.
"All right, I guess," the pastor said, "but I'm afraid some of the people in the congregation didn't understand what I was teaching."
"What makes you think that?" his wife asked.
"Because," whispered the pastor, "I don't understand it myself."

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The pastor had the reputation of being an excellent counselor. Some of his parishioners had lived by his counsel for many years and while on vacation, one of them sent the pastor a postcard from a vacation spot in Australia. "I'm having a great time!" the card read, and it continued, "Wish you were here to tell me why."

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The group was touring through Israel and a member of the tour, a pastor, asked about the ruins they were viewing at the moment. "How old was this place?" he asked.
"It's 2,504 years old," came the quick reply.
Impressed with the man's exact dating, the pastor asked how they knew it was precisely that old.
"Oh it's simple," answered the guide. "The archeologist said the ruins were 2,500 years old, and that was four years ago."

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The pastor and his wife were getting quite old and the wife's vision was deteriorating, but she knew she could still see well enough to drive a car.
One morning she phoned the police to report that someone had broken into her car. "The dashboard is missing, as well as the steering wheel, the radio, the pedals, and even the glove compartment," she said.
Within five minutes, a police officer was on his way, but before he arrived, the pastor's wife called the police a second time: "Never mind," she said sheepishly, "I got into the back seat by mistake."

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A man tiptoed out of the church sanctuary during the middle of the sermon. As he stepped out of the door, He encountered another man who had left before he did."
"Has the pastor finished yet?" the other man asked.
"Oh," he replied, "he finished five minutes after he started, but he's still talking."

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"So you are going to a dance with a young man, are you?" fumed a critical grandmother. "When I was a girl, no young lady would think of going to a dance with a man unless he was her fiancé."
"Oh don't worry about that, Grandma," said the girl, "I am going to the dance with one of my fiancés."

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The pastor said to the young man, "Well, young man, I understand you want to become my son-in-law."
"No sir, not exactly," replied the young man, "But if I marry your daughter, I don't see how I can get out of it."

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A young lady who had formerly worked for the government, took a job as secretary to a pastor. She immediately started revamping the filing system. The pastor noticed, at the end of her first day, that one of the file cabinets was now labeled "Sacred," and the other was labeled "Top Sacred."

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An aspiring vocalist asked the church choir director, "Do you think I will ever be able to do anything with my voice?"
"Well," answered the choir director, "It might come in handy in case of a fire."

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The parishioner told his pastor that "everybody hates me." The pastor, who had a reputation for being a poor counselor, replied: "You're being ridiculous - everybody hasn't met you yet."

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The deacon's young son asked him what happens after we die. The deacon told him, "We get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies." The deacon was telling the pastor about it and sighed as he continued, "I guess I should have told him the truth - that most people go to hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him."

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Pastor Timothy Burdick tells about the incident when he met another pastor for the second time and the other man was embarrassed because he didn't remember Timothy's name.  Pastor Timothy, who has been blind since birth, replied, "That's OK, I'm not good with faces either."

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Pastor Timothy also likes to list examples of the benefits of being blind. Among benefits he lists are these:

- "I don't have to watch my weight."
- "I don't do chores. If I can't see it I can't do it."

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From Ron Stiles:

The overworked, frustrated church secretary changed the recorded message on her phone to the following: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the 'Beep.' If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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During a counseling session, the man told his pastor, "I want to die like my great grandpa; peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his station wagon when he drove it into the river."

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From Paul Russell:

After the service, the pastor spoke with a visitor who said he was an "insomniac dyslexic agnostic." He told the pastor, "I stay awake all night wondering if there really is a "doG."

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Pastor Jerry Rueb tells of a group of boys who had been walking in a field, but were now running from a bull who was chasing them. They were feeling that they weren't going to make it. One of them said to the preacher's son who was running beside him: "Pray for us."
The preacher's son gasped in reply, "It's my Dad who prays and I only really know one prayer at dinnertime from when I was little."
"Then PRAY IT," gasped the first boy.
"OK, here it goes," and he continued, "Lord, for what we are about to receive, may we be truly grateful. Amen."

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The Sunday School teacher decided to teach the children how to use a concordance. He explained that he "wanted them to be able to look up Bible verses." The teacher set a large Bible and a large concordance on the desk, and asked the class, "You know what the Bible is, but do you know what the concordance is?
A boy answered with a question: "Is it the sequel?"

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In response to a question, a small boy stood and said to the Sunday School teacher: "When you die, God takes care of you like your parents did when you were alive - only God doesn't yell at you all the time."

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At the end of the service the pastor announced: "The class on prophecy has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances."

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After the birth of their child, a minister wearing his clerical collar visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and a kiss when he left.
Later the wife's roommate commented: "Wow, your pastor is sure friendlier than mine!"

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A minister's car broke down on a country road, and the only building nearby was a tavern. He walked in looking for the telephone and was surprised to find his former deacon, shabbily dressed and sitting at the bar.
"What happened?" the minister asked. "You used to be a prosperous man."
The former deacon told him about the bad investments he had made and asked the minister's advice.
"Go home," the minister said. "And when you get there, open your Bible and put your finger on that page. God will show you the answer!"
A year later, the minister saw the man who was now wearing a new suit and getting into a new car. The man said, "Things have turned around and I owe it all to you and the Lord. I went home like you said, opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page, and there was the answer: Chapter 11."

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After the church service, the pastor told a woman, "I notice your husband walked out in the middle of my sermon. I hope I didn't offend him."
"Not at all," replied the wife, "My husband has been walking in his sleep for years."

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A group of pastors were on a return flight from a religious conference when one of the plane's engines quit. A stewardess was trying to reassure the passengers, but one of the pastors decided she was the one who needed to be comforted.
"Nothing can happen to the plane," he told her. "There are eight pastors on board."
The hostess forced a smile and said she would relay the comforting information to the pilot. A few minutes later she returned with an even more worried look on her face.
"I told the pilot," she said, "but he replied he would rather have four engines."

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The pastor and his wife had been treated by the congregation to their first voyage on an ocean liner, but things were not going well. The wife was deathly ill and her husband was trying to comfort her: "Don't be downhearted, dear, I have never heard of anybody dying of seasickness."
"Oh, don't tell me that," she moaned, "It's only the hope of dying that's keeping me alive."

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Contributed by Ron Stiles:

The congregation noticed that the pastor was getting older and things were getting a little more difficult for him. But he still had a sense of humor and had begun to place signs on the wall of his office, including:

"Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses." And,

"Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting."

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The pastor's son took a summer job as a cub reporter for the local newspaper. Off he went after the editor told him to go to a murder scene and get the story. He rushed in but was stopped at the door by a policeman, who said, "All right kid, you can't come in here!"
The cub reporter replied, "But I've been sent to do the murder!"
"Well kid, you're too late," the policeman said, "the murder's already been done."

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The deacon's daughter asked her friend, "Why do you call it 'love at second sight' instead of 'love at first sight'?"
"That's easy," the friend replied, "I didn't know he was rich when I met him the first time."

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The minister's daughter heard a tapping on her window in the early hours of the morning. There on a ladder was her boy friend. Their elopement was going according to plan.
"Are you all ready?" her boy friend asked.
"Yes," whispered the girl, "but don't talk so loud, you might wake up my father."
"Wake him up?" her boy friend asked. "Who do you think is holding the ladder?"

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The church secretary was distracted that morning as she opened the email from a church member requesting prayer for her husband, who was in the military. The email said, "Darren Jones, having gone to sea, his wife requests the congregation to pray for his safety."
The distracted secretary placed the following into the church bulletin: "Darren Jones, having gone to see his wife, requests the congregation to pray for his safety."

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Surprised at what she had just heard, the deacon's daughter said to the pastor's daughter, "Do you mean to tell me that you are engaged to five boys at once?"
"Yes," the pastor's daughter replied, "and I can hardly wait until after Christmas to get things straightened out!"

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The deacon was filling-in for the pastor that Sunday and he was concluding his hard-hitting sermon on the dangers of drinking alcoholic beverages. "I have lived in this town all my life," he said. "There are sixty-four cocktail bars in this town and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them."
"Which one was that?" asked a voice from the rear of the church.

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Penny Schwab told of "a deacon in our church who is oh so pious! At every opportunity he speaks of his perfect attendance at services, his gifts to the building fund, his compassionate service to other members. Finally, the quietest woman in our congregation said, 'I don't mind having angels in our midst, but I do hate to hear them flap their wings.'"

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Pastor Jerry Rueb told about a deacon who was addicted to chocolate éclairs.  He was praying to God for help to end this addiction. He went for a drive in his car and passed his favorite bakery, even though he could have gone another way. He drove around the block several times, praying to the Lord that there would not be any parking spots. On his next turn around the block, he saw a spot right in front of the bakery. He parked the car, got out and walked up to the bakery window, praying that they had already sold all of those delicious éclairs. There was one left and it looked - wonderful! He started to walk inside, praying fervently that he did NOT have enough money to buy it! He looked inside his wallet and he had enough, more than enough, so he prayed for help again but bought the éclair. Then he wolfed it down, both upset and glad as he complained to the Lord: "Why don't You answer my prayers and help me?"

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The Sunday School teacher told the class about the time when Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.
A little girl interrupted and said, "My Mom looked back and turned into a telephone pole!"

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The traveling evangelist went back to a city he had not visited for a long time and returned to a restaurant he had previously enjoyed. The place was busy and when the waiter finally approached his table, the evangelist tried to make conversation. "You know, the evangelist said, it's been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, sir," apologized the harried waiter, "But I can only serve one table at a time."

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Tammy Elliot tells about the time she was in a Sunday School class as a young girl and the teacher asked the students if Jesus was in their hearts. Tammy stood up and said, "I've got Jesus in my heart." Then a boy said, "You can't have Jesus in your heart; He's in mine!"

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The deacon and his wife were enjoying a "Missionary Journeys of Paul" cruise in the Mediterranean when suddenly tragedy struck - a boy fell overboard. Quickly, before the child's mother could scream for help, the deacon was over the rail into the water and the boy was saved.
The captain said, "That was amazing! What can we do to thank you for rescuing the boy?"
"Well," replied the deacon, "you can start by telling me who pushed me overboard."

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The pastor’s son was pulled over by a motorcycle officer for speeding. “That was reckless driving,” snarled the police officer, “You’re going to jail.  “But officer,” the young man replied, “I can explain.”
“Be quiet,” the officer ordered, “You can just sit in jail until the judge hears your case.”
A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the young man and said, “You’re lucky that the judge is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“I doubt that,” answered the pastor’s son, “I’m the groom.”

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