Your ALT-Text here

Friday Study Ministries
 

Go to Home Page

Humor

 Friday Study Ministries


Humor 20
10

 

___________________________________________________

Sent by Diane Bowles:

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. (1) they don't like me, and (2) I don't like them." His mother replied, "i'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You're 59-years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

_____

As told by Dr. Jerry Rueb:

During marital counseling the wife told the pastor, gesturing toward her husband as she spoke: "When I married my husband, I knew he was 'Mr. Right.' But what I didn't know was that his first name was "Always.

_____

As the counseling session was nearing its conclusion, the parishioner's voice began to rise and he was heard out in the hallway as he shouted at the pastor: "Thankful! What do I have to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills!"
"Well then," responded the pastor, "be thankful you aren't one of your creditors."

_____

The pastor's daughter was telling her friend: "My engagement is over because my feelings have changed completely; I can't marry him."
Her friend replied, "If that's true, why do you still wear his ring?"
The pastor's daughter answered, "Oh, my feelings toward the ring are just the same."

_____

The minister's son heard his Dad preach on "Justification... Sanctification..." and a number of other "...ations." After the early service the boy attended Sunday School, smiled and raised his hand when the teacher asked if anybody knew what "procrastination" meant. "I'm not sure," he said, "but I know our church believes in it."

_____

Little Susie concluded her prayer by saying, "Dear God, before I finish please take care of Daddy, Mommy, my baby brother, Grandma and Grandpa... and please, God, take care of Yourself, or else we're all sunk!"

_____

When the pastor visited the Sunday School, the Sunday School teacher asked the class to show the pastor how well they could pray. A little girl raised her hand and when the teacher nodded, the girl began: "Be with our pastor and help him to preach a better sermon next Sunday."

_____

A parishioner spoke to the pastor after the service: "You have a great gift for oratory. How did you develop it?"
The pastor replied, "The same way I learned to ice-skate. I kept making a fool of myself until I learned to pray."

_____

The pastor had a successful radio show. His wife and children gathered around a radio and listened to his show at least once every week. After listening to the show that day, his daughter was asked to say grace at dinner. Delighted, the little girl cleared her throat and said, "This food, friends, is coming to you through the courtesy of Almighty God."

_____

The two friends were bragging to each other about how great their churches are. The first one continued, "My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour." The second one responded, "That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without saying anything!"

_____

A group of successful 40-year old pastors gathered at a restaurant to share stories about their many speaking engagements and Holy Land tours.
10-years later, at 50, they met at the same restaurant because the food is good.
10-years later, at 60, they met again and chose the same restaurant because it is quiet.
10-years later, at 70, they met at the same restaurant because it has wheelchair access.
10-years later, at 80, they decided to meet at the same restaurant because none of them had been there before.

_____

The pastor had been having some serious problems and went to his doctor for a checkup. After a couple of days of in-hospital tests the doctor said, "Pastor, I have good and bad news. Which do you want first?"
The pastor answered, "The good news!"
The doctor said, "You have 24-hours to live."
"Good grief," exclaimed the pastor. "That's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"
"The bad news," replied the doctor, "Is that I was supposed to tell you yesterday."

_____

The current sessions of the pastor's conference were boring and dry. As the speaker continued, the pastors gradually slipped-out, one-by-one, until at last the audience had dwindled to just one pastor who was in the front row.
The speaker paused and spoke to the man: "I want to thank you for your courtesy in remaining to hear all of my talk."
"Oh that's all right, said the other pastor," I don't need any thanks - I'm the next speaker."

_____

A church member who had been married for ten years consulted his pastor. "When we were first married," he said, "I was very happy. I would come home to our apartment after a hard day at my office. My wife's little dog would race around barking at me, but my wife would smile and bring me my slippers. Now after ten years, everything's changed. When I come home, the dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!"

_____

The visiting minister was shouting from the pulpit about the Ten Commandments and his words were profoundly received by the congregation.  When the service was over and the people were leaving the church, one young lady who was shaking her head, was heard saying to the young lady next to her: "Well on the good side, I don't think I ever made a graven image!"

_____

The minister was telling, in a Bible study, how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
A member of the Bible study said, "That's nothing! My wife was telling me how to drive and when she grabbed my arm to make me go to the left, we turned into a telephone pole."

_____

The pastor went to New York City for a conference and hailed a cab as he left the airport.  As the cabdriver drove toward the event, the pastor decided to ask a question about the area of New York they were driving through.  He tapped the driver on the shoulder and the cab immediately began to weave violently from side-to-side and they almost hit a bus.  The driver pulled to the side, stopped and turned around to face the back seat.  "What happened?" asked the pastor.  The driver apologized and said, "This is my first day as a cabdriver. Before this I drove a hearse for 25 years..."

_____

The deaconís wife and the church receptionist were out walking their dogs. One had a large Doberman and the other a tiny Chihuahua. As they walked, the deaconís wife with the Doberman said, "Let's go to that coffee shop."
The receptionist replied, "We can't go inÖ We've got the dogs with us."
The deaconís wife said, "Just watch and do as I do."
They walked to the coffee shop and the deaconís wife put on a pair of dark glasses and walked inside.
The clerk at the counter said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The deaconís wife with the Doberman said, "You don't understand ... This is my seeing-eye dog."
He replied, "A Doberman?"
The woman answered, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The clerk said, "OK, come on in" and started preparing the coffee she ordered.
The other lady felt that convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog was difficult, but put on her dark glasses and walked in.
Once again the clerk said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The clerk responded, "A Chihuahua?"
She gasped and shouted, "What, A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?Ē
It is recommended that you donít attend their church.

_____

The night clerk in a hotel was surprised to see a guest walking through the lobby in a bathrobe and a pair of pajamas.  "Hey there," the clerk shouted, "What do you think you're doing?"
The guest, who happened to be a pastor, woke up from sleep-walking and apologized. "I'm sorry," he said, "I'm a somnambulist."
"Well," said the clerk, "you can't walk around here like that, no matter what church you belong to."

_____

The Sunday School teacher was trying to make the little boy behave. 'I'm really very much afraid,' she said, 'that I'm not going to meet you in heaven.'
"Gee, that's too bad," replied the smart-mouthed little boy, "What did you do?"

_____

The pastor's teenaged son asked his father, "Dad, is it possible for a woman to keep a secret?"
"Oh yes," his father answered. "Your mother and I were engaged for six weeks before she said anything to me about it."

_____

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

_____

The little boy in church school raised his hand, and the teacher asked, "Yes, what is it?
"I don't want to scare you," he said, "but my Dad told me if I didn't get better grades, someone is going to get in serious trouble."
_____

Pastors have reputations like other people do, and this one was a pretty good speaker, but he was thought to be a very poor counselor.  He felt he was a good counselor but most in the congregation did not agree.
A husband and wife had been seeing him for marital counseling for several months, and now the wife came to his office, openly weeping.
She said through her tears, "I gave him my best years, and now he's run off with another woman..." She paused and continued, "Oh, I just can't control my emotions."
The pastor responded, hoping to comfort her, "Why bother? You'll feel better after a good laugh!"
_____

The pastor and his wife had been invited to a cabin in the mountains, and as they were being driven back to the little airport by their host's chauffeur, the wife was telling the pastor that he had talked too much about damnation and hell over the weekend.  She pointed out that their host had been upset.
The pastor nodded and then asked the chauffeur, "Will we get to the airport on time?"
"Yes, sir, we will," the chauffeur responded. "My boss told me that if I didn't get you there on time, I'd lose my job!"

 

Visit Past Humor :

Humor 2009
Humor 2008
Humor 2007
Humor 2006

Humor 200
5
Humor 2004
Humor 2003
Humor 2002
Humor 2000 - 2001

Weekly Bulletin


Friday Study Ministries
PO Box 92131
Long Beach, CA 90809-2131
www.FridayStudy.org
Ron@FridayStudy.org