Sent by Diane Bowles:
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. (1) they don't like me, and (2) I don't like them." His mother replied, "i'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You're 59-years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
As told by Dr. Jerry Rueb:
During marital counseling the wife told the pastor, gesturing toward her husband as she spoke: "When I married my husband, I knew he was 'Mr. Right.' But what I didn't know was that his first name was "Always.
As the counseling session was nearing its conclusion, the parishioner's voice began to rise and he was heard out in the hallway as he shouted at the pastor: "Thankful! What do I have to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills!"
"Well then," responded the pastor, "be thankful you aren't one of your creditors."
The pastor's daughter was telling her friend: "My engagement is over because my feelings have changed completely; I can't marry him."
Her friend replied, "If that's true, why do you still wear his ring?"
The pastor's daughter answered, "Oh, my feelings toward the ring are just the same."
The minister's son heard his Dad preach on "Justification... Sanctification..." and a number of other "...ations." After the early service the boy attended Sunday School, smiled and raised his hand when the teacher asked if anybody knew what "procrastination" meant. "I'm not sure," he said, "but I know our church believes in it."
Little Susie concluded her prayer by saying, "Dear God, before I finish please take care of Daddy, Mommy, my baby brother, Grandma and Grandpa... and please, God, take care of Yourself, or else we're all sunk!"
When the pastor visited the Sunday School, the Sunday School teacher asked the class to show the pastor how well they could pray. A little girl raised her hand and when the teacher nodded, the girl began: "Be with our pastor and help him to preach a better sermon next Sunday."
A parishioner spoke to the pastor after the service: "You have a great gift for oratory. How did you develop it?"
The pastor replied, "The same way I learned to ice-skate. I kept making a fool of myself until I learned to pray."
The pastor had a successful radio show. His wife and children gathered around a radio and listened to his show at least once every week. After listening to the show that day, his daughter was asked to say grace at dinner. Delighted, the little girl cleared her throat and said, "This food, friends, is coming to you through the courtesy of Almighty God."
The two friends were bragging to each other about how great their churches are. The first one continued, "My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour." The second one responded, "That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without saying anything!"
A group of successful 40-year old pastors gathered at a restaurant to share stories about their many speaking engagements and Holy Land tours.
10-years later, at 50, they met at the same restaurant because the food is good.
10-years later, at 60, they met again and chose the same restaurant because it is quiet.
10-years later, at 70, they met at the same restaurant because it has wheelchair access.
10-years later, at 80, they decided to meet at the same restaurant because none of them had been there before.
The pastor had been having some serious problems and went to his doctor for a checkup. After a couple of days of in-hospital tests the doctor said, "Pastor, I have good and bad news. Which do you want first?"
The pastor answered, "The good news!"
The doctor said, "You have 24-hours to live."
"Good grief," exclaimed the pastor. "That's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"
"The bad news," replied the doctor, "Is that I was supposed to tell you yesterday."
The current sessions of the pastor's conference were boring and dry. As the speaker continued, the pastors gradually slipped-out, one-by-one, until at last the audience had dwindled to just one pastor who was in the front row.
The speaker paused and spoke to the man: "I want to thank you for your courtesy in remaining to hear all of my talk."
"Oh that's all right, said the other pastor," I don't need any thanks - I'm the next speaker."
A church member who had been married for ten
years consulted his pastor. "When we were first married," he
said, "I was very happy. I would come home to our apartment
after a hard day at my office. My wife's little dog would race
around barking at me, but my wife would smile and bring me my
slippers. Now after ten years, everything's changed. When I come
home, the dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!"
The visiting minister was shouting from the
pulpit about the Ten Commandments and his words were profoundly
received by the congregation. When the service was over
and the people were leaving the church, one young lady who was
shaking her head, was heard saying to the young lady next to
her: "Well on the good side, I don't think I ever made a graven
The minister was telling, in a Bible study,
how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
A member of the Bible study said, "That's nothing! My wife was
telling me how to drive and when she grabbed my arm to make me
go to the left, we turned into a telephone pole."
The pastor went to New York City for a
conference and hailed a cab as he left the airport. As the
cabdriver drove toward the event, the pastor decided to ask a
question about the area of New York they were driving through.
He tapped the driver on the shoulder and the cab immediately
began to weave violently from side-to-side and they almost hit a
bus. The driver pulled to the side, stopped and turned
around to face the back seat. "What happened?" asked the
pastor. The driver apologized and said, "This is my first
day as a cabdriver. Before this I drove a hearse for 25
The deaconís wife and the church receptionist
were out walking their dogs. One had a large Doberman and the
other a tiny Chihuahua. As they walked, the deaconís wife with
the Doberman said, "Let's go to that coffee shop."
The receptionist replied, "We can't go inÖ We've got the dogs
The deaconís wife said, "Just watch and do as I do."
They walked to the coffee shop and the deaconís wife put on a
pair of dark glasses and walked inside.
The clerk at the counter said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The deaconís wife with the Doberman said, "You don't understand
... This is my seeing-eye dog."
He replied, "A Doberman?"
The woman answered, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very
The clerk said, "OK, come on in" and started preparing the
coffee she ordered.
The other lady felt that convincing him a Chihuahua was a
seeing-eye dog was difficult, but put on her dark glasses and
Once again the clerk said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye
The clerk responded, "A Chihuahua?"
She gasped and shouted, "What, A Chihuahua? They gave me
It is recommended that you donít attend
The night clerk in a hotel was surprised to
see a guest walking through the lobby in a bathrobe and a pair
of pajamas. "Hey there," the clerk shouted, "What do you
think you're doing?"
The guest, who happened to be a pastor, woke up from
sleep-walking and apologized. "I'm sorry," he said, "I'm a
"Well," said the clerk, "you can't walk around here like that,
no matter what church you belong to."
The Sunday School teacher was trying to make
the little boy behave. 'I'm really very much afraid,' she said,
'that I'm not going to meet you in heaven.'
"Gee, that's too bad," replied the smart-mouthed little boy,
"What did you do?"
The pastor's teenaged son asked his father,
"Dad, is it possible for a woman to keep a secret?"
"Oh yes," his father answered. "Your mother and I were engaged
for six weeks before she said anything to me about it."
A Sunday School teacher challenged her
children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter
to God. They were to bring their letter back the following
Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at
church today. Wish you could have been there."
The little boy in church school raised his
hand, and the teacher asked, "Yes, what is it?
"I don't want to scare you," he said, "but my Dad told me if I
didn't get better grades, someone is going to get in serious
Pastors have reputations like other people
do, and this one was a pretty good speaker, but he was thought
to be a very poor counselor. He felt he was a good
counselor but most in the congregation did not agree.
A husband and wife had been seeing him for marital counseling
for several months, and now the wife came to his office, openly
She said through her tears, "I gave him my best years, and now
he's run off with another woman..." She paused and continued,
"Oh, I just can't control my emotions."
The pastor responded, hoping to comfort her, "Why bother? You'll
feel better after a good laugh!"
The pastor and his wife had been invited to a
cabin in the mountains, and as they were being driven back to the
little airport by their host's chauffeur, the wife was telling
the pastor that he had talked too much about damnation and hell
over the weekend. She pointed out that their host had been
The pastor nodded and then asked the chauffeur, "Will we get to
the airport on time?"
"Yes, sir, we will," the chauffeur responded. "My boss told me
that if I didn't get you there on time, I'd lose my job!"
Visit Past Humor :
Humor 2000 - 2001
Friday Study Ministries
PO Box 92131
Long Beach, CA 90809-2131