A guest at a New Year's Eve party at the
parsonage was busy filling his plate with food
from the buffet. He remarked to the man next to
him, "This sure is a lousy party; I'm going to
finish this plate, then eat some dessert and get
out of here!"
"I would, too," said the other man, "but I've
got to stay, I'm the pastor and that makes me
The young seminary student asked a friend, a
pastor who was his mentor, "How will I earn
sufficient income when I am in the ministry?"
The pastor responded, "The first thing to do is
find a girl with a good job and marry her."
From Gayle Erwin:
The pastor didn't understand why he didn't seem
to "connect" with his congregation. In a
conversation with the head elder, he asked about
it. The elder replied, "I think it's the punch
lines, the concluding points in your sermons.
For instance, last week you ended with,
"Anything is possible if you don't know what
you're talking about."
The deacon's wife was complaining to her
neighbor: "My husband lost all his money on the
"How terrible," said the neighbor. "I feel
sorry for him!"
"Yes, so do I," said the deacon's wife. "He's
going to miss me."
By Pastor Jerry
The pastor asked from the
pulpit, "Does anyone here know of somebody who
is perfect?" The pastor looked up and was
surprised to see a man who had raised his hand.
The pastor asked, "Sir, are you saying that you
know somebody who is perfect?" The man
replied, "Yes, I think I do."
The pastor asked, "Who sir, might that be?"
The man answered, "Near as I can tell, it was my
wife's first husband!"
From Diane Bowles:
The church-school teacher said, "Maria, go to
the large map on the wall and point out North
Maria went to the map, pointed with her finger
and said, "Here it is!"
The teacher said, "Good!" and then she looked
out to the other students and asked, "Now class,
who discovered America?"
Several of the children responded: "Maria!"
Three ministers were having lunch together and
wandered onto the question of what they would do
if they were given a check for a million
dollars. The first said he would build a new
addition to the church. The second said he
would start an orphanage. They turned to the
third, who said, "The first thing I would do is
dump my denomination and tell my church board to
go jump in the river."
From “Hooray for
“If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.
Yiddish folklore offers a story about
gossip-makers. One such man had told so many
malicious untruths about the local rabbi that,
overcome by remorse, he begged the rabbi to
‘And, Rabbi, tell me how I can make amends.’
The rabbi sighed, ‘Take two pillows, go to the
public square and there cut the pillows open.
Wave them in the air. Then come back.’
The rumormonger quickly went home, got two
pillows and a knife, hastened to the square, cut
the pillows open, waved them in the air and
hastened back to the rabbi's chambers.
‘I did just what you said, Rabbi!’
‘Good!’ was the reply.
The rabbi smiled. ‘Now, to realize how much harm
is done by gossip, go back to the square...’
‘And?’ ‘And collect all your feathers.’”
The man had just been freed after a long prison
term and he was very happy. He took the bus
into town and walked to his old neighborhood.
His former home was now a parsonage and the
pastor's little son was playing on the front
The man regretted the loss of his home, but he
was so happy to be out of prison that he looked
up and shouted, "I'm free, I'm free."
The boy on the front lawn heard him and replied,
"That's nothing to yell about. I'm four."
Seen in a Church Bulletin:
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
church and community."
A famous minister-humorist
was booked to give an evening address in the
city's auditorium, and consented to also speak
at a civic luncheon on the preceding day.
Because many of the stories he told at the
luncheon were the same as the ones he would tell
the next night, he asked the local newspaper
reporter to not put them in the paper. The
reporter promised not to. Instead, he finished
his account of the luncheon meeting with this
sentence: "...He also told a number of stories
that can't be published."
The visiting minister
concluded his sermon which obviously didn't go
over very well. The local pastor wanted to
cheer him up and said, "I took notes from your
sermon and found it inspiring. It gave me some
good ideas for funeral services."
The deaconess was thought
to have a very nasty temper, but she also tried
very hard to be a nice person. One day a
homeless person knocked on her door and said, "I
haven't had a bite in days."
So to be kind to him, she bit him.
Sunday school teacher told her class, "People
are in the world to help others." A little boy
raised his hand and asked, "Then what are the
others here for?"
young pastor said to his new bride, "Well, if
the church can't offer us a parsonage, we could
always move in with your parents.
"Oh no, we couldn't do that," replied his young
bride, "They're living with their parents."
church board had narrowed the list of applicants
for the position of senior pastor to just two
men. Since they couldn't decide between the
two, even after having them as guest speakers on
alternate Sundays, the board decided to invite
them to a debate.
The two squared off and one of them said: "There
are hundreds of ways to raise money for the
church, but only one honest way."
The other man demanded, "How is that?"
"Aha," said the first, "I knew you wouldn't
From Dick Innes:
The senior pastor of a mega-church was to speak
at an important convention, but didn't have time
to prepare anything, so he asked an assistant to
write him a fast-moving 20-minute speech.
When the senior pastor returned from the big
event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long
speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked
out before I finished."
The assistant pastor was baffled. "I wrote you a
20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you
the two extra copies you asked for."
By Pastor Terry Miller:
Church Board had voted that certain repairs had
to be made in the church, and then they added a
time limit; one that was coming right up.
The pastor wanted to beat the deadline and was
doing a lot of the work himself. He
volunteered to varnish the wood on the trim and
pews, and worked all day long, varnishing wood
much of the day for several days.
That Sunday, the grateful Church Secretary put
the following information into the Church
Bulletin: "... We thank the pastor for vanishing
all week, which helped the work to get done."
pastor, who had a reputation for being grumpy,
had traveled out of town for a conference and
during a break, read his local newspaper on the
internet. He was astonished to find his own
name on the obituary page. He quickly
telephoned his church and reached the assistant
"Have you read the morning paper?" he asked the
younger man. "Did you see the announcement of
"Yes," replied the assistant pastor, "we're
already making arrangements." The younger man
gulped and then he asked, "Where are you calling
Sunday School teacher said to her class, "It is
our duty to make someone happy during the week.
Have you done it this week?"
A little boy raised his hand. "I have," he
"That's fine," said the teacher, "What did you
The boy said, "I went to see Aunt Maureen, and
when I left she said she was happy I was
More from Don Araiza:
The graveside service just
barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little old man
looked at the pastor, sighed, and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."
deacon in a small-town church had a reputation
for a hot-temper.
Somehow the local weekly newspaper got it wrong
and printed his name in an obituary.
The deacon stormed into the newspaper office and
shouted, "The report of my death in your paper
was a lie. "I'll sue you for everything you've
got if you don't apologize in your next issue."
The next edition contained the following: "...
We regret very much that the notice of the
deacon's death which appeared in our last issue
was not true."
Sent by Don Araiza:
The pastor was recovering
from surgery when the surgical nurse appeared
and asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm OK," the pastor responded, "but I didn't
like the four-letter word the doctor kept using
during my surgery."
"What did he say?" the nurse asked in surprise.
"Oops!" replied the pastor
church secretary didn't know how to complete the
formal written minutes of the board meeting.
The church, which is in California, had been
rocked by an earthquake during the meeting and
all the board members ran out of the church, and
the meeting did not resume. After thinking it
over, she typed these words: "On motion of the
church, the meeting was adjourned."
pastor's six-year old son asked the deacon's
daughter to marry him when they grew up.
"Oh I can't," she replied, and he asked, "Why
She said, "In our family we always marry
relatives. My father married my mother, my
uncle married my aunt and my grandfather married
pastor's daughter had hoped for two years that
her boyfriend, the deacon's son, would think of
marriage. One evening he said to her, "Last
night I dreamed that I asked you to marry me.
What do you think it means?"
She replied, "It means that you're smarter when
you're asleep than you are when you're awake!"
pastor said to the young man, "Aren't you the
same boy who came in here a week ago asking to
be the youth leader of our church?"
"Yes, sir," he responded.
"But didn't I tell you then that I wanted
someone older for the position?"
"Yes, sir. That's why I'm back. I'm older now."
the little boy said, "Did you go to Sunday
school every week?"
"Yes I did, son," replied his father.
The little boy sighed and said, "I'll bet it
won't do me any good, either."
little girl became restless as the preacher's
sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned
over to her mother and whispered loudly, "Mommy,
if we give him the money now, will he let us
absentminded parishioner dropped in on his
long-time pastor friend one evening. They had a
pleasant visit together and before they noticed,
a couple of hours had passed. As the
parishioner put on his coat to leave, the pastor
asked, "Family's all well, I suppose?"
"Good heavens," the absentminded parishioner
responded, "That reminds me why I came to see
you. My wife's leaving me!"
pastor was visiting a parishioner who had been
arrested. "Why are you in jail?" the pastor
"I got into bad company," the man responded. "I
had a quart of whiskey and the three men I was
with didn't drink."
More from Gayle Erwin:
The pastor wondered why his
secretary was not at work. She hadn't
called. He called her home and a child
answered with a whispered, "Hello."
"Is your mommy home?" the pastor asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?" asked the pastor.
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, the pastor asked, "Is your daddy
there?" The small voice answered, "Yes."
"May I talk with him?" The child said,
The pastor asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy, whispered the child."
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman,"
came the whispered answer.
There was a loud noise in the background on the
phone and the pastor was concerned. "What is
that noise?" he asked.
"A helicopter," answered the whispered voice.
"What is going on?" demanded the pastor.
The child whispered, "The search teams just
landed a helicopter."
Alarmed and frustrated, the pastor asked, "What
are they searching for?"
The child replied with a muffled giggle, "Me."
Sent by Gayle Erwin:
The pastor's elderly mother
talked her way out of a speeding ticket by
explaining to the police officer that she had to
hurry to her destination before she forgot where
she was going.
man had left the church where he was the senior
pastor for a number of years. After seven
years, he moved back to the community to be the
director of a rescue mission. He thought he
would visit some of the members of his old
church. He drove to the bus station where he
knew his former head deacon was a ticket agent.
He was all set to give the man a big hello, when
the ticket agent/deacon said to him, "Hi,
Pastor, you going away on a trip?"
pastor's wife was telling her young daughter
about the good times she had when she was
little; riding a pony, sliding down a hay stack,
sledding, and wading in a brook on the farm.
"Wow," said her daughter, "I wish I'd met you
older lady was filling out the application to
apply for the position of Church Secretary.
When she came to the line that said, "age," she
hesitated for a long time.
Finally the woman who was to receive the
application leaned over to the applicant and
whispered, "The longer you wait, the worse it
were no babysitters available, so the two little
brothers had accompanied their parents to the
annual church couples dance.
The brothers became tired and one of them said
to the other, "I'm sleepy. Do you think Mom and
Dad are going to dance much longer?"
His older brother replied, "We might as well let
them stay and dance a little while longer.
After all, you're old only once."
minister had been a waiter when he was in
seminary, and he believed in leaving a very good
tip after meals in restaurants. He noticed that
a new waiter was serving him breakfast that
"Where's my regular waiter. I hope he's not
The waiter replied, "No he's not, sir, but he
won't be serving you anymore because I won you
in a craps game last night."
a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've
decided to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to
church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be
more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and
young boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His
mother replied that they did not have enough
money for a bike, but if he told Jesus what a
good boy he would be, maybe the Lord would allow
him to have one. The young boy sat down to write
a letter. He began it with, ‘Dear Lord, I will
be good for one whole year...” Then he scribbled
out the word ‘year’ and changed it to ‘one
month...’ he then shook his head, finally
changing it to ‘one whole week...’ But a short
reflection on his current week brought him back
to reality. He'd already been punished three
times and this was only Monday. In disgust he
tore up the paper and went for a walk. He went
past the local church and saw a Nativity scene.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. He ran as
fast as he could and stopping by the wooden
statue of Mary, he took her up into his arms and
ran home. There he ran straight into his room
and began a new letter... ‘Dear Jesus, if you
ever want to see your mother again...’”
marks my 25th anniversary as warden of this
prison," said the warden to the chaplain. "What
kind of party do you think the inmates might
"Well," replied the chaplain, "I've talked to a
lot of them and I think that most would want an
open house after your retirement party."
ardent young man, who was the son of a deacon,
asked his girl friend, "Darling, will you marry
She was a traditional girl, the daughter of an
elder in the church, and she responded, "But
have you seen my father and mother?"
"Yes," replied the deacon's son, "but that makes
no difference. I still love you and I want to
marry you anyway!"
parishioner was in a counseling session with his
pastor. He continued telling his story: "...I
was at the end of my rope. Broke, lonesome,
down-hearted, and discouraged. An acquaintance
told me, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' So I
cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse."
pastor and his wife accompanied the grieving
widow to the funeral home for the viewing. The
widow told the funeral director that she had
ordered a gray, rather than a blue suit for her
"No problem," replied the funeral director,"
we'll have him ready by tomorrow at 6 PM." When
the widow and the pastor and his wife returned,
the change had been made. "It was really no
trouble," the funeral director said, "The woman
whose husband is in the next room preferred her
husband in a grey suit."
"So you traded suits?" the wife asked.
"Oh, no," said the funeral director, "we just
church was shocked to learn that the choir
leader had been arrested. A choir member who
was an attorney, visited her in jail.
"With all of the evidence to the contrary," the
attorney said to her, "do you still maintain
that your husband died of a broken heart?"
"I certainly do," the woman said. "If he hadn't
broken my heart, I wouldn't have shot him!"
the young women in the church joined the
military. After her discharge she returned to
the same church and began to teach a Sunday
School class to other young women. She advised
them, "Marry someone who has been in uniform. He
can cook, make beds, sew, is in perfect health,
and he already knows how to take orders."
minister who served the same congregation for
many years, decided to leave and take a similar
position in another church.
Without telling anyone he had made this decision
or writing a letter to the church board, he
waited until Sunday morning to announce his
resignation after the sermon.
When he spoke to them he said, "The same Lord
who called me to this church many years ago has
now called upon me to leave and serve another
After a brief pause, the choir all jumped to
their feet and burst into the song, "What a
Friend We Have in Jesus!"