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Humor 2009

 Friday Study Ministries

Humor 2009

12/26/09 A guest at a New Year's Eve party at the parsonage was busy filling his plate with food from the buffet.  He remarked to the man next to him, "This sure is a lousy party; I'm going to finish this plate, then eat some dessert and get out of here!"
"I would, too," said the other man, "but I've got to stay, I'm the pastor and that makes me the host."
The young seminary student asked a friend, a pastor who was his mentor, "How will I earn sufficient income when I am in the ministry?"
The pastor responded, "The first thing to do is find a girl with a good job and marry her."
11/27/09 From Gayle Erwin:

The pastor didn't understand why he didn't seem to "connect" with his congregation.  In a conversation with the head elder, he asked about it.  The elder replied, "I think it's the punch lines, the concluding points in your sermons.  For instance, last week you ended with, "Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about."
The deacon's wife was complaining to her neighbor: "My husband lost all his money on the stock market."
"How terrible," said the neighbor.  "I feel sorry for him!"
"Yes, so do I," said the deacon's wife.  "He's going to miss me."
11/9/09 By Pastor Jerry Rueb:

The pastor asked from the pulpit, "Does anyone here know of somebody who is perfect?"  The pastor looked up and was surprised to see a man who had raised his hand.  The pastor asked, "Sir, are you saying that you know somebody who is perfect?"  The man replied, "Yes, I think I do."
The pastor asked, "Who sir, might that be?"

The man answered, "Near as I can tell, it was my wife's first husband!"

10/30/09 From Diane Bowles:

The church-school teacher said, "Maria, go to the large map on the wall and point out North America."
Maria went to the map, pointed with her finger and said, "Here it is!"
The teacher said, "Good!" and then she looked out to the other students and asked, "Now class, who discovered America?"
Several of the children responded: "Maria!"

10/26/09 Three ministers were having lunch together and wandered onto the question of what they would do if they were given a check for a million dollars. The first said he would build a new addition to the church.  The second said he would start an orphanage. They turned to the third, who said, "The first thing I would do is dump my denomination and tell my church board to go jump in the river."

10/13/09 From “Hooray for Yiddish” ---

“If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. Yiddish folklore offers a story about gossip-makers. One such man had told so many malicious untruths about the local rabbi that, overcome by remorse, he begged the rabbi to forgive him.
‘And, Rabbi, tell me how I can make amends.’
The rabbi sighed, ‘Take two pillows, go to the public square and there cut the pillows open. Wave them in the air. Then come back.’
The rumormonger quickly went home, got two pillows and a knife, hastened to the square, cut the pillows open, waved them in the air and hastened back to the rabbi's chambers.
‘I did just what you said, Rabbi!’
‘Good!’ was the reply.
The rabbi smiled. ‘Now, to realize how much harm is done by gossip, go back to the square...’ ‘And?’ ‘And collect all your feathers.’”

10/4/09 The man had just been freed after a long prison term and he was very happy.  He took the bus into town and walked to his old neighborhood.  His former home was now a parsonage and the pastor's little son was playing on the front lawn.
The man regretted the loss of his home, but he was so happy to be out of prison that he looked up and shouted, "I'm free, I'm free."
The boy on the front lawn heard him and replied, "That's nothing to yell about. I'm four."
9/24/09 Seen in a Church Bulletin: "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."
9/16/09 A famous minister-humorist was booked to give an evening address in the city's auditorium, and consented to also speak at a civic luncheon on the preceding day.  Because many of the stories he told at the luncheon were the same as the ones he would tell the next night, he asked the local newspaper reporter to not put them in the paper.  The reporter promised not to.  Instead, he finished his account of the luncheon meeting with this sentence: "...He also told a number of stories that can't be published."
9/10/09 The visiting minister concluded his sermon which obviously didn't go over very well.  The local pastor wanted to cheer him up and said, "I took notes from your sermon and found it inspiring. It gave me some good ideas for funeral services."
8/28/09 The deaconess was thought to have a very nasty temper, but she also tried very hard to be a nice person.  One day a homeless person knocked on her door and said, "I haven't had a bite in days."
So to be kind to him, she bit him.
8/20/09 The Sunday school teacher told her class, "People are in the world to help others."  A little boy raised his hand and asked, "Then what are the others here for?"
8/12/09 The young pastor said to his new bride, "Well, if the church can't offer us a parsonage, we could always move in with your parents.
"Oh no, we couldn't do that," replied his young bride, "They're living with their parents."
8/5/09 The church board had narrowed the list of applicants for the position of senior pastor to just two men.  Since they couldn't decide between the two, even after having them as guest speakers on alternate Sundays, the board decided to invite them to a debate.
The two squared off and one of them said: "There are hundreds of ways to raise money for the church, but only one honest way."
The other man demanded, "How is that?"
"Aha," said the first, "I knew you wouldn't know!"
7/29/09 From Dick Innes:

The senior pastor of a mega-church was to speak at an important convention, but didn't have time to prepare anything, so he asked an assistant to write him a fast-moving 20-minute speech.
When the senior pastor returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."
The assistant pastor was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

7/22/09 By Pastor Terry Miller:

The Church Board had voted that certain repairs had to be made in the church, and then they added a time limit; one that was coming right up.
The pastor wanted to beat the deadline and was doing a lot of the work himself.  He volunteered to varnish the wood on the trim and pews, and worked all day long, varnishing wood much of the day for several days.
That Sunday, the grateful Church Secretary put the following information into the Church Bulletin: "... We thank the pastor for vanishing all week, which helped the work to get done."

7/15/09 The pastor, who had a reputation for being grumpy, had traveled out of town for a conference and during a break, read his local newspaper on the internet.  He was astonished to find his own name on the obituary page.  He quickly telephoned his church and reached the assistant pastor.
"Have you read the morning paper?" he asked the younger man.  "Did you see the announcement of my death?"
"Yes," replied the assistant pastor, "we're already making arrangements." The younger man gulped and then he asked, "Where are you calling from?"
7/6/09 The Sunday School teacher said to her class, "It is our duty to make someone happy during the week.  Have you done it this week?"
A little boy raised his hand.  "I have," he said.
"That's fine," said the teacher, "What did you do?"
The boy said, "I went to see Aunt Maureen, and when I left she said she was happy I was leaving."
6/30/09 More from Don Araiza:

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor, sighed, and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

6/24/09 The deacon in a small-town church had a reputation for a hot-temper.
Somehow the local weekly newspaper got it wrong and printed his name in an obituary.
The deacon stormed into the newspaper office and shouted, "The report of my death in your paper was a lie. "I'll sue you for everything you've got if you don't apologize in your next issue."
The next edition contained the following: "... We regret very much that the notice of the deacon's death which appeared in our last issue was not true."
6/16/09 Sent by Don Araiza:

The pastor was recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appeared and asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm OK," the pastor responded, "but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor kept using during my surgery."
"What did he say?" the nurse asked in surprise.
"Oops!" replied the pastor

6/9/09 The church secretary didn't know how to complete the formal written minutes of the board meeting.  The church, which is in California, had been rocked by an earthquake during the meeting and all the board members ran out of the church, and the meeting did not resume.  After thinking it over, she typed these words: "On motion of the church, the meeting was adjourned."
6/4/09 The pastor's six-year old son asked the deacon's daughter to marry him when they grew up.
"Oh I can't," she replied, and he asked, "Why not?"
She said, "In our family we always marry relatives.  My father married my mother, my uncle married my aunt and my grandfather married my grandmother."
5/29/09 The pastor's daughter had hoped for two years that her boyfriend, the deacon's son, would think of marriage.  One evening he said to her, "Last night I dreamed that I asked you to marry me.  What do you think it means?"
She replied, "It means that you're smarter when you're asleep than you are when you're awake!"
5/18/09 The pastor said to the young man, "Aren't you the same boy who came in here a week ago asking to be the youth leader of our church?"
"Yes, sir," he responded.
"But didn't I tell you then that I wanted someone older for the position?"
"Yes, sir. That's why I'm back.  I'm older now."
5/8/09 "Dad," the little boy said, "Did you go to Sunday school every week?"
"Yes I did, son," replied his father.
The little boy sighed and said, "I'll bet it won't do me any good, either."
5/1/09 A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.  Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered loudly, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
4/24/09 The absentminded parishioner dropped in on his long-time pastor friend one evening.  They had a pleasant visit together and before they noticed, a couple of hours had passed.  As the parishioner put on his coat to leave, the pastor asked, "Family's all well, I suppose?"
"Good heavens," the absentminded parishioner responded, "That reminds me why I came to see you. My wife's leaving me!"
4/20/09 The pastor was visiting a parishioner who had been arrested.  "Why are you in jail?" the pastor asked.
"I got into bad company," the man responded.  "I had a quart of whiskey and the three men I was with didn't drink."
4/10/09 More from Gayle Erwin:

The pastor wondered why his secretary was not at work.  She hadn't called.  He called her home and a child answered with a whispered, "Hello."
"Is your mommy home?" the pastor asked.  "Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?" asked the pastor.
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, the pastor asked, "Is your daddy there?"  The small voice answered, "Yes."
"May I talk with him?"  The child said, "No."
The pastor asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy, whispered the child."
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
There was a loud noise in the background on the phone and the pastor was concerned. "What is that noise?" he asked.
"A helicopter," answered the whispered voice.
"What is going on?" demanded the pastor.
The child whispered, "The search teams just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed and frustrated, the pastor asked, "What are they searching for?"
The child replied with a muffled giggle, "Me."

4/4/09 Sent by Gayle Erwin:

The pastor's elderly mother talked her way out of a speeding ticket by explaining to the police officer that she had to hurry to her destination before she forgot where she was going.

3/25/09 The man had left the church where he was the senior pastor for a number of years.  After seven years, he moved back to the community to be the director of a rescue mission.  He thought he would visit some of the members of his old church.  He drove to the bus station where he knew his former head deacon was a ticket agent.  He was all set to give the man a big hello, when the ticket agent/deacon said to him, "Hi, Pastor, you going away on a trip?"
3/17/09 The pastor's wife was telling her young daughter about the good times she had when she was little; riding a pony, sliding down a hay stack, sledding, and wading in a brook on the farm.
"Wow," said her daughter, "I wish I'd met you sooner!"
3/11/09 An older lady was filling out the application to apply for the position of Church Secretary.  When she came to the line that said, "age," she hesitated for a long time.
Finally the woman who was to receive the application leaned over to the applicant and whispered, "The longer you wait, the worse it gets."
3/5/09 There were no babysitters available, so the two little brothers had accompanied their parents to the annual church couples dance.
The brothers became tired and one of them said to the other, "I'm sleepy. Do you think Mom and Dad are going to dance much longer?"
His older brother replied, "We might as well let them stay and dance a little while longer.  After all, you're old only once."
2/26/09 The minister had been a waiter when he was in seminary, and he believed in leaving a very good tip after meals in restaurants.  He noticed that a new waiter was serving him breakfast that morning.
"Where's my regular waiter. I hope he's not sick."
The waiter replied, "No he's not, sir, but he won't be serving you anymore because I won you in a craps game last night."
2/18/09 After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to be a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay, but what made you decide that?" she asked.

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."

2/13/09 “A young boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother replied that they did not have enough money for a bike, but if he told Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe the Lord would allow him to have one. The young boy sat down to write a letter. He began it with, ‘Dear Lord, I will be good for one whole year...” Then he scribbled out the word ‘year’ and changed it to ‘one month...’ he then shook his head, finally changing it to ‘one whole week...’ But a short reflection on his current week brought him back to reality. He'd already been punished three times and this was only Monday. In disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk. He went past the local church and saw a Nativity scene. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. He ran as fast as he could and stopping by the wooden statue of Mary, he took her up into his arms and ran home. There he ran straight into his room and began a new letter... ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again...’”
2/9/09 "Today marks my 25th anniversary as warden of this prison," said the warden to the chaplain.  "What kind of party do you think the inmates might want?"
"Well," replied the chaplain, "I've talked to a lot of them and I think that most would want an open house after your retirement party."
2/5/09 The ardent young man, who was the son of a deacon, asked his girl friend, "Darling, will you marry me?"
She was a traditional girl, the daughter of an elder in the church, and she responded, "But have you seen my father and mother?"
"Yes," replied the deacon's son, "but that makes no difference. I still love you and I want to marry you anyway!"
1/27/09 The parishioner was in a counseling session with his pastor.  He continued telling his story: "...I was at the end of my rope. Broke, lonesome, down-hearted, and discouraged. An acquaintance told me, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse."
1/21/09 The pastor and his wife accompanied the grieving widow to the funeral home for the viewing.  The widow told the funeral director that she had ordered a gray, rather than a blue suit for her husband.
"No problem," replied the funeral director," we'll have him ready by tomorrow at 6 PM."  When the widow and the pastor and his wife returned, the change had been made.  "It was really no trouble," the funeral director said, "The woman whose husband is in the next room preferred her husband in a grey suit."
"So you traded suits?" the wife asked.
"Oh, no," said the funeral director, "we just changed heads."
1/15/09 The church was shocked to learn that the choir leader had been arrested.  A choir member who was an attorney, visited her in jail.
"With all of the evidence to the contrary," the attorney said to her, "do you still maintain that your husband died of a broken heart?"
"I certainly do," the woman said. "If he hadn't broken my heart, I wouldn't have shot him!"
1/8/09 One of the young women in the church joined the military.  After her discharge she returned to the same church and began to teach a Sunday School class to other young women.  She advised them, "Marry someone who has been in uniform. He can cook, make beds, sew, is in perfect health, and he already knows how to take orders."
1/1/09 A minister who served the same congregation for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church.
Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the church board, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation after the sermon.
When he spoke to them he said, "The same Lord who called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."
After a brief pause, the choir all jumped to their feet and burst into the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus!"

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