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Humor 2008

 Friday Study Ministries

Humor 2008

12/27/08 The young church secretary said to the choir director after the service, "Jack and I have parted forever."
"Goodness," replied the choir director, "what does that mean?"
"A dozen roses in about half an hour," said the secretary.
12/19/08 The pastor was speaking with the deacon after the service, and just then the deacon's boy came up to them carrying a communion plate.
"Where did you get the communion plate?" asked the pastor.
"I stole it," replied the boy.
The deacon turned to the shocked pastor and said while smiling proudly, "That's my boy; he may steal, but he won't lie!"
12/10/08 More from Don Araiza:

The pastor, who was believed to be in his mid 80's, called the newspaper office, loudly asking, "Where is the Sunday edition of the newspaper?"
"Sir," replied the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper will not be delivered until Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by the thoughtful remark:
"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today, too."


12/2/08 From Don Araiza:

The elderly, retired pastor was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his old friend preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: "Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the retired pastor leaned over and said to his old friend, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old friend hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"


11/26/08 A young lady was trying out for the church choir and the choir director was accompanying her on the piano.
The director paused after the first verse of the song and she asked, "How do you like my voice?"
He shook his head and replied, "I've played the white keys and I've played the black keys, but this is the first time I've heard someone who could sing in between."

11/20/08 More from Gayle Erwin:

The deacon read an article to his wife about how many words women use in a day... "30,000 to a man's 15,000."  The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men."
He turned to his wife with a puzzled look and asked, "What?"

11/6/08 From Gayle Erwin:

The pastor and his wife were attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication.
The instructor continued speaking: "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."  He addressed the men in the audience, asking, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
The pastor leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

10/23/08 The deacon and his wife were in their living room reading the newspaper.  The deacon read a small headline out loud to his wife - "Gays and Lesbians Getting Married," and he added, "Haven't they suffered enough?"
10/8/08 The Senior Pastor was interviewing a young seminary graduate for the position of Assistant Pastor.  "For this position," said the Senior Pastor, "We are looking for a responsible man."
"Then I'm your man," said the applicant, "Everywhere I worked, before and during seminary, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
10/1/08 From an actual Church Bulletin:

"Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."

9/25/08 The woman with the nasal, raspy voice was singing "Amazing Grace" at an evangelistic service in a local park. She was often slightly off-key.   A man in the audience bowed his head and wept quietly.
The woman next to him leaned over and whispered, "Excuse me, but are you a Christian?"
"No," said the man, "I'm a musician."
9/18/08 The pastor's car stalled at a traffic light.  He tried to start his engine, while behind him an angry driver honked his horn.  Finally, the pastor got out of his car and walked back to the other car.
"I'm sorry," he said to the other driver, "but I can't start my car. If you'll go to it and start it for me, I'll stay here and honk your horn."
9/12/08 The pastor's wife yawned and complained, "I'm tired! I'm almost ready to drop!"
"YOU'RE tired," replied the pastor, "I'm the one who should be tired! I had to give the sermons at three services today!"
"I know," replied his wife, "but I had to LISTEN to them!"
9/9/08 The pastor was frustrated.  The new church secretary ignored the phone when it rang.  Finally he told her, "You MUST answer the phone!"
"OK," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"
9/3/08 A Christian in ancient Rome was placed into the arena where it was intended that a lion would eat him.  He was seen to whisper something into the lion's ear, and the animal fled from him in terror.  When asked about it, the Christian replied, "I told him, 'After you've eaten, you'll be expected to say a few words.'"
8/28/08 A pastor climbed into the barber's chair and asked, "Where's the barber who used to work the other chair?"
"Oh, that was a sad case," the barber said, "He became so despondent over poor business that when a customer said he didn't want a shave, he went out of his mind and cut the customer's throat with a razor. He's now in the State Mental Hospital. By the way, would you like a shave, sir?"
"Absolutely!" said the pastor.
8/20/08 The deacon's widow was visiting her son's home.  At dinner they served wine and the little lady had a small taste.
After a moment she said, "How strange.  It tastes exactly like the medicine your father took every night for the past thirty years of his life!"
8/13/08 A drunk sat next to a minister on a bus.  The minister seemed to be in prayer and the drunk interrupted him, saying, "I ain't going to heaven. There ain't no heaven."
The minister didn't say a word.
"I say there ain't no heaven," said the drunk in a loud voice.
The minister still didn't answer him.
"I said I ain't going to heaven," shouted the drunk.
The minister quietly turned to the drunk and said, "Well, go to hell, then; but be quiet about it."

8/7/08 A church deacon retired from his career in sales, but he needed extra income and was working as a clerk in a department store.  One day, his supervisor complained, "It's funny," he said, "you are often late for work and you live right across the street, but other workers who live further away are always on time."
"There's nothing funny about that," answered the retired man, "if the others were late to work, they could hurry, but if I'm late, I'm already here."

8/1/08 Coming home late one night from a meeting, a minister saw one of his own parishioners staggering down the street.  Always ready to help, the minister took the man home.
At the man's door, he pleaded with the minister to come inside with him.  The minister said it was too late.
"Please, Reverend," the man said. "Just for a minute. I want my wife to see who I've been out with tonight."
7/24/08 The pastor's wife was stopped for speeding.  The patrolman said to her, "As soon as I saw you come around the bend, I said to myself, sixty at least."
"That's silly," replied the pastor's wife.  "It's just this hat that makes me look that old."

7/17/08 The man was celebrating his hundredth birthday and the pastor asked him a question: "To what do you attribute your longevity?"
The old man thought for a moment and then said, "I never smoked, drank whiskey or stayed out late. And I always walked two miles a day."
"But," asked the pastor, "I had an uncle who lived that way, yet he only lived to be eighty. How do you account for that?"
"He just didn't keep it long enough," the man replied.
7/10/08 It was after the intermission at the theater, and the overweight pastor and his wife were returning to their seats.
"Did I step on your feet as I went out?" he asked a man at the end of the row.
"You certainly did," replied the man, expecting an apology.
The overweight pastor turned to his wife. "It's all right, darling," he said. "This is our row."

7/3/08 The teacher had been helping her students understand the Ten Commandments.  She pointed at Johnny and asked him, "Can you tell us a commandment that has only four words?"
"Yes," he replied, "keep off the grass."
6/24/08 The Sunday School teacher was concerned because one of the little boys had an odor.  She thought about it and one Sunday, she asked him, "Cleanliness is next to what?"
"Impossible," he replied.
6/17/08 One evening at a banquet, the chairman realized that no clergyman was present to return thanks.  He turned to the main speaker and said, "Sir, since there is no minister here, will you ask the blessing, please?"
The speaker stood up, bowed his head, and with great feeling said, "There being no minister present, let us thank God!"
6/11/08 After Pastor Ron's mother went to be with the Lord, a scrap of paper was found in her handwriting with the following words.  Pastor Ron says that it "somewhat sums up (his) childhood" -

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
6/3/08 Someone must want us to slow down because they sent these highway speeds and old Christian songs:

At 65 miles per hour, sing – “Highways Are Happy Ways”
At 75 miles, sing – “I’m But a Stranger Here, Heaven is My Home”
At 85 miles, sing – “Nearer My God to Thee”
At 95, sing – “When the Roll is Called Up Yonder, I’ll Be There”
At 105, sing – “Lord, I’m Coming Home”
5/28/08 The little girl was eating dinner at a friend's house for the first time.  As the family sat down at the table, they all bowed their heads for the blessing.
"Why did you do that?" asked the surprised little girl.
"We are giving thanks for our food," said her friend's father. "Don't you do that at your house?"
"Oh, no," replied the little girl. "We don't have to. We pay for our food."
5/22/08 The guest speaker at a Church Conference gave a tremendous talk and received a standing ovation.  The Conference leader was so impressed that he asked, "Everyone here is very impressed. Will you please say a few more words to us, since we have about ten minutes left in this time slot?"
The guest speaker stood up and replied, "Once there was a baby cabbage who said, "Mom, how will I know when to stop growing?"
"The rule is simple," replied the mama cabbage; "you quit when you are a head."  And the guest speaker sat down.
5/14/08 Before the Bible study began, the pastor spoke to one of the attendees: "You look happier this evening," he said.
"Yes," responded the man, "I think my girl friend and I are going to get married soon."
"Interesting," replied the pastor, "Did she accept your proposal?"
"Not exactly," replied the man, "but yesterday when I asked her again to marry me, she said she was saying 'no' for the last time."
5/7/08 The young church secretary complained to the pastor that she was shortchanged in her paycheck by $10.00.
The pastor replied, "You were accidentally overpaid $10.00 last week and you didn't complain."
"I know," replied the secretary.  "I didn't mind overlooking one mistake, but when it happened the second time, I thought it was time to complain."
4/30/08 A parishioner asked the pastor: "What was the best advice you ever received?"
The pastor answered, "To marry the girl I did marry."
"Who gave you that advice?" the parishioner asked.
"She did," was the answer.
4/23/08 The pastor thought he would prepare his little 3-year old daughter for the impending arrival of the new baby.  He didn't know how to do it, but then shrugged and decided to say what his father had told him when he was a boy: "The stork has been flying over our house."
"I hope he doesn't frighten Mommy," the little girl whispered. "She's pregnant, you know."
4/17/08 The deacon demanded of his wife, "What's happening to all the money we're budgeting for groceries?"
His wife answered, "Stand sideways and look in the mirror!"
4/10/08 The pastor's wife was serving sandwiches during the church's Saturday Homeless Ministry.
As one of the men took his sandwich, she thought about the church's search for a maintenance man, and she asked, "Have you ever been offered work?"
"Only once, lady," the man answered. "Aside from that, I've met with nothing but kindness."
4/3/08 While the minister was visiting a patient at the state mental hospital, he called his church to let them know he would be late for his appointment that afternoon.  The receptionist sent by the temporary agency for the day took his call.
He became frustrated during the call and shouted, "Young lady, do you know who I am?"
"No, I don't," she replied, "but this phone has caller I.D. and I know where you're calling from!"
3/26/08 The pastor commented to his mother on the telephone that he was concerned because the contributions to his church were lessening.
His mother asked, "What have you been preaching about?"
He responded, "I've been doing a series called, 'A Fool and His Money Are Soon Parted!'"
3/18/08 The Sunday school teacher asked her students, “What was the Tower of Babel?” A boy answered, “That was where Solomon kept his wives!”
3/13/08 A minister was given a ticket.  In police court, the judge, who was a member of the minister's church, asked if he had anything to say.
"Yes," the minister replied, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy."
The judge sentenced him and then replied, "Go thou and sin no more."
3/6/08 Two brothers were having a talk as they left the Sunday School building. One of them said, “I’m a little upset because I think I know what Job’s first words were as a baby. I heard in Sunday School that he cursed the day he was born.”
2/27/08 The pastor was giving instructions to the church janitor before the service began: "When I get to the part about hell-fire and brimstone, shut off the air conditioning!!!"
2/20/08 The pastor visited a woman who had been bitten by a rabid dog.  The doctors were not certain they had begun treatment in time to save her. While the pastor was talking and praying with her, two doctors came into the hospital room and told her the plain truth - her chances were very bad. Instead of seeming to be upset at the news, she asked the pastor for a pen and paper and began to write.  The doctors left the room and she kept writing for almost an hour.  Finally the pastor broke in and asked, "What are you writing? Is it your will or possibly, is it a letter to your family?"
"No," she replied, "it's a list of people I'm going to bite."
2/14/08 The Christian school teacher asked the class, "Who was Joan of Arc?
There was a pause and then a boy raised his hand. The teacher nodded and the boy said, "She must have been Noah's wife."
2/6/08 The head deacon and pastor were discussing possible reasons why church attendance had been declining so rapidly.
The deacon continued, "I'm not an expert, but possibly you shouldn't close all your sermons and Bible studies with, "But then, what do I know?"
1/30/08 The young church piano player auditioned before a famous concert pianist who had consented to listen to her play.  After the audition she asked, "What do you think I should do now?"
"Get married," the famous pianist replied.
1/23/08 The visiting pastor was explaining to the congregation that he didn't have enough time to really cover his subject that day:
"Your Pastor said I could talk as long as I like this morning, but he also said that after 1:30 PM, there won't be anybody here but me!"
1/16/08 The pastor was speaking to the chairperson in charge of the women's bake sale at the church.  "It's being rumored that you and your husband aren't getting along too well. Is there anything to it?"
"Nonsense," she replied.  "We did have a few words, and I shot him. But that's as far as it went."
1/9/08 The little boy's uncle took him to see his first circus.  When he came home, his mother asked, "Well, how did you like it?"
"Gee, Mom," replied the boy, "If you'd only go to the circus one time, you'd never go to church again as long as you live!"
1/2/08 The Church Board had agreed, and sure enough, a little cafe was opened in the front of the church, just to the left of the front door.  The pastor's daughter was hired as the waitress.
"I'd like coffee, without cream," the customer said."
"I'm sorry," the pastor's daughter replied, "You'll have to take it without milk. We're out of cream."

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