|
12/31/07 |
Sent by Steve
Porrino: It was the day after Christmas at a church in San
Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking
over the crèche when he noticed that the baby
Jesus was missing from among the figures. He
hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red
wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well,
where did you get your passenger, my fine
friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy explained, "Well, about a week before
Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and
I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give Him a ride around the
block in it." |
|
12/23/07 |
A small
church is a place where if one of the deacons
has a black eye, he doesn't have to explain it
to people - they know.
|
|
12/12/07 |
Someone
from a far-off country was trying to learn
American English, but was having difficulties.
He asked an American friend of his, "What is a
polar bear?"
The friend replied, "A polar bear is a creature
who lives in the far north?"
"But what is he like; what does he do?"
persisted the first man.
"Well, he wears a white fur coat, sits on a cake
of ice and eats raw fish," the friend
replied.
"That settles it," said the man, "I will not
accept!"
"What in the world are you talking about?"
asked the friend."
"I was invited to be a polar bear at a funeral."
|
|
12/5/07 |
A young
clergyman was being interviewed for the position
of Assistant Pastor in a local church. He
was asked, "Why did you leave your last
position?"
He answered, "It was because of illness; the
Senior Pastor got sick of me."
|
|
11/29/07 |
The choir
director's wife was complaining to her husband.
"Why do you go out onto the patio when I sing?"
she asked. "Don't you like to hear me?"
"It isn't that," replied the choir director,
"but I want the neighbors to see that I'm not
beating my wife!"
|
|
11/20/07 |
Little Mary
was the daughter of the Pastor and his wife.
This Pastor was known to have a "difficult"
personality. One day, Mary asked her
mother, "If I get married, will I have a husband
like Daddy?"
"Yes, dear," her mother responded."
"And If I don't get married, will I be an old
maid like Aunt Martha?"
"Yes, dear."
"Momma, it sure is a hard world for us women,
isn't it?"
|
|
11/13/07 |
A true anecdote
from Pastor Ron:
I
distinctly remember one of my daughter's first
prayers. We often shopped in Penney's Dept.
Store in those days, and one night, as Jenni
knelt beside her bed to pray, she uttered these
words: "... And thank You, God, for Penney's, a
good place to shop."
|
|
11/7/07 |
Two small boys were sharing together
about their churches. Billy asked Jon,
"Why can't you come to MY church?"
Jon answered, "Because I belong to another
abomination!"
|
|
11/1/07 |
The choir director arrived at the church early and spoke
to a young man who was scheduled to be part of
the music ministry on Sunday.
"Hi Jack," she asked, "Why isn't your brother
here to practice with you?" "Oh, he's
here," answered Jack; "He's in the other room
practicing a duet. I finished first."
|
|
10/25/07 |
By Pastor Dave
Rader: When I was a young man, I wanted to be an engineer.
I graduated and took the employment test with a
company, but didn't get the job. Somebody
else got it. "I got all the answers
right except one," I said, "Why didn't I get the
job?" They told me "the decision was based
on the incorrect answer." They continued,
"The other applicant answered 'I don't know' on
question 5, and you wrote, 'I don't, either,' in
response to the same question."
As a result of that experience, I became a
pastor.
|
|
10/18/07 |
By Pastor Dave
Rader: The deacon was experiencing a mid-life crisis and looked
to his wife for reassurance. "Honey," he
began, "If I lost my looks, my health, couldn't
help around the house and lost all my money,
would you still love me?"
"Yes I would still love you" she replied, "but
even more I would really miss you."
|
|
10/11/07 |
The Sunday
school teacher was telling her class about the
return of the prodigal son. "But even with
all the joy," she continued," there was one who
was unhappy about the the feast for the return of
the prodigal son. Who was it?"
After a moment's silence, a small voice replied,
"It must have been the fatted calf."
|
|
10/4/07 |
The
pastor's mother was getting older and she
suffered from arthritis. A young nurses
aid was hired to help her and the pastor's
mother said to her: "Soon it will be necessary for you to help me upstairs."
"I understand, ma'am," replied the younger
woman," I drink a little now and then myself."
|
|
9/27/07 |
The
minister was visiting the junior department in
the Sunday school and was asking the children
questions to see what they had learned.
"Can you tell me," he asked, "what are sins of
omission?"
A little girl answered with a question of her
own: "Are they the sins we should have
committed, but didn't?"
|
|
9/19/07 |
A clergyman
took a position as the minister of a small
church next to the Canadian-U. S. border.
In fact, the parsonage was thought to be right
on the border and a joint committee was selected
to find out which country it was in. After
the committee decided it was in the U. S., the
minister leaped for joy. "Wonderful," he
shouted, "now I don't have to suffer from those
awful Canadian winters!"
|
|
9/12/07 |
A fight had
surprisingly broken out during a church board
meeting, involving three men who had struck one
another with chairs. Later, when the case
went to criminal court, one of the defendants, a
deacon, described how the other two defendants
had hit one another with those chairs.
"Why didn't you try to establish peace?" asked
the judge. "Didn't you think about that?"
"Yes, I did, Your Honor," the deacon said,
"that's why I picked up the other chair."
|
|
9/6/07 |
Two
boys were on their way home from Sunday
School. One of them asked, "Do you believe
in the devil?"
The other boy replied, "No, it's like Santa
Claus; it's your father."
|
|
8/27/07 |
Rita had
the ladies from her church group over for the
evening. After a little while, tiny feet
were heard at the top of the stairs. Rita
smiled and said, "The children are going to give
their good-night message. I always love to
hear them.
There was a moment of tense silence; then,
shrilly, "Mom, Billy found a bedbug!"
|
|
8/21/07 |
From Steve
Porrino:
He worked
as a volunteer
in a mega-church telephone prayer center that
was open 24/7. A call came in from a lady who
asked, "What hours are you (the call
center) open?"
The volunteer replied, "We are open for prayer 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week."
The lady then asked, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?"
|
|
8/13/07 |
From Steve
Porrino:
The pastor arrived at the airport of the city where the
Christian Conference was being held and his
his luggage was not to be found at the baggage claim area. He went to the lost luggage
office and said to the woman who worked there,
"My bags never arrived."
She smiled and told the pastor not to worry
because she was a trained professional and he
was in good hands. "Now," she asked, "has your
plane arrived yet?"
|
|
8/9/07 |
From Steve
Porrino:
A man worked hard all his life and saved his money. Just
before he died, he said to his wife, "Take my
money and put it in the casket. I want to take
it with me." She promised. At the funeral, the
minister finished the ceremony and the
undertakers were ready to close the casket. The
new widow called out, "Wait a minute!" and
took a large box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket and
rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you aren't fool enough
to put all that money in with your husband!" The
widow replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian
and can't go back on my word. I promised him I
would do it and I did it."
You mean to tell me you put all that money in
the casket with him?" the friend asked. "I sure
did," replied the wife. "I put it in my account
and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can
spend it."
|
|
8/6/07 |
By Pastor
Timothy H. Burdick -
The pastor and the deacon were traveling to another city
for a conference by plane. They were in
their seats and watched as the pilot and
co-pilot walked into the plane. Both
pilots wore dark glasses and one used a cane.
One of them held the arm of the other.
The deacon asked the pastor, "You don't think
they could be blind, do you?"
The pastor nervously answered, "No," but he kept
watching the pilots as they entered the cabin.
The plane began to taxi, picking up speed as it
got closer and closer to a building. When
it was REALLY close, the passengers began to
scream.
In the cabin, the pilot said to the co-pilot,
"You know, one of these days they won't scream
in time and we won't know when to take off!"
|
|
8/2/07 |
The new pastor was speaking to a parishioner after the
Sunday service was over. He asked her,
"What did you think of my sermon?"
"It was very good," she replied. "We
really didn't know what sin was until you came
here!"
|
|
7/27/07 |
The Sunday School teacher was sharing with the children
about the animals of the Bible. She asked
them, "What do camels have that no other animals
have."
One of the children cautiously put up his hand
and when the teacher nodded at him, he proudly
shouted, "Little camels!"
|
|
7/20/07 |
By Pastor H. B.
London, Jr. - The pastor and his wife were having an argument as they
drove along a country road. He pointed out
the window at a group of farm animals, including
cattle and pigs, and scornfully asked, "Are they
relatives of yours?"
She replied, "Yes; they're in-laws."
|
|
7/14/07 |
By Pastor H. B.
London, Jr. - "If you laid all the pastors in the world end-to-end,
they would be more relaxed."
|
|
7/6/07 |
The minister
received a telephone call from a tax agency,
inquiring about an exceptionally large
contribution to the church, listed as a tax
deduction by a parishioner.
"Did he make the donation?" the tax man asked.
The minister hesitated for a moment and then
said, "He will. I'm sure he will now!"
|
|
6/28/07 |
The pastor
was interviewing a young lady for the position
of church secretary. He said, "I hope you
understand the importance of punctuation."
She replied, "Oh yes, I always get to work on
time."
|
|
6/20/07 |
From Church
Bulletins, sent by Don Haynes:
Ladies,
don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around
the house. Bring your husbands.
Miss
Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way
again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
Next
Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Irving
Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
|
|
6/13/07 |
The
pastor's wife said to her little grandson, "Eat your
spinach, dear; it makes strong teeth." The
boy replied, "Why don't you feed it to Grandpa?"
|
|
6/7/07 |
Given to FSM by
Pastor Gary Drabek:
A clergyman
usually had a pre-marriage conference with couples
planning a wedding, and one of the questions he
asked was how long they had known each other.
"Nine times
out of ten," the clergyman said, "the groom will
answer, 'Two or three years,' while the bride will
say, 'Three or four years.' In other words,
she has had her eye on him, and he has been a dead
duck for a year before he knew anything about it."
|
|
6/1/07 |
The pastor's
wife was asking questions of her granddaughter to
find out if the little girl knew her colors yet.
Grandma would point something out and ask what color
it was. This went on for awhile until the
little girl got tired of it and said, "Grandma,
I think you should try to figure out some of these
yourself."
|
|
5/23/07 |
Sent by Clifford
the Clown:
A minister
waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The cars were filled
quickly, but there were many ahead of him. Finally,
the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about
the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the
last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister
chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in
my business."
|
|
5/15/07 |
From Pastor "Diver
Dan" Dinette:
My wife and
I have a ministry of signs and wonders. When
I preach, she's in the back of the church making
signs at me. When she does, I wonder what
she means.
|
|
5/6/07 |
The pastor
had been trying to publish his book for some time
and was speaking to a publisher on the phone.
The publisher way saying, "It IS well written, but
we publish only works by writers with well-known
names."
"That's good," responded the pastor, "My name is
Smith."
|
|
4/30/07 |
The Senior
Pastor was speaking to an applicant for the secretarial
position: "We can pay you a smaller amount per week
right now, but then in six months when we see how
you work out, we can pay you more."
She replied, "Thank you, I'll be back in six months."
|
|
4/20/07 |
A man who was
in such a deep coma that he was declared dead, had
suddenly sat up while the Pastor next to his bed
was praying for the family.
"What did it
feel like to be dead?" asked a friend later.
"I wasn't dead and I knew it," replied the man.
"I was hungry and my feet were cold."
"But what would that prove?" his friend asked.
"Well," he said, "I knew that if I was in heaven
I wouldn't be hungry, and if I was in the other
place, my feet wouldn't be cold."
|
|
4/12/07 |
Contributed by
Diane Bowles:
On the first
day of Christian school, the deacon's little boy,
a first-grader, handed the teacher a note from his
mother, who was the deacon's wife. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily
those of his parents."
|
|
4/2/07 |
Mike was so
excited on his wedding day that he gave his bride
$200.00 and kissed the minister.
|
|
3/27/07 |
Contributed by
Diane Bowles:
The little
girl, who was the daughter of the pastor and his
wife, had just finished her first week of Christian
day school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said
to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and
they won't let me talk!"
|
|
3/19/07 |
The new assistant
pastor was having trouble sleeping and he also couldn't
get to church at 9 AM on weekdays, which was the
time he had promised the hiring committee he would
arrive.
The assistant pastor went to a doctor at the suggestion
of the senior pastor, who gave him a small bottle
of pills. The young pastor took a pill that
evening, slept well and ate breakfast leisurely.
He arrived at the church by 8:30 AM, half an hour
before the agreed-upon time.
He said to the senior pastor, "Well, I didn't have
any trouble getting up this morning."
"That's good, replied the senior pastor, "but where
were you yesterday?"
|
|
3/13/07 |
Contributed by
Diane Bowles:
The pastor's
wife was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she
asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone
and then heard these words, right before the little
girl hung up: "Mommy can't come to the phone to
talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
|
|
3/9/07 |
The little
boy had been asked by his teacher to give the prayer
at the end of Sunday School, and he was just finishing:
"And please, Lord, put the vitamins in pie and cake
instead of in broccoli and spinach. Amen."
|
|
2/28/07 |
The pastor
went to court and stood with a parishioner who was
charged with a crime. The judge asked the
man, "Are you guilty or not guilty."
The parishioner responded, "I don't know, I haven't
heard the evidence yet."
|
|
2/21/07 |
The doctor
had just examined the patient, who was the deacon
of a local church, and said to the deacon's wife,
"I don't like the looks of your husband."
"I don't either, Doctor," said the deacon's wife,
"but he is kind to the children."
|
|
2/15/07 |
By Pastor Gary
Drabek of Brea Baptist Church:
A Baptist boy
visited a Catholic boy's church for mass.
Several times he asked the other boy to explain
some aspect of the service, and the Catholic boy
explained what it meant each time.
The next Sunday they went to the Baptist church
together. The Pastor took off his watch and
put it on the podium.
"What does that mean?" asked the Catholic boy.
The Baptist boy replied, "That doesn't mean anything."
|
|
2/3/07 |
The Mega-Church
Personnel Director was interviewing an applicant
for an Assistant-Pastoral position. "How old
are you?" he asked.
"Twenty-four," answered the young man.
"And just what do you expect to be five years from
now?" asked the Personnel Director.
"Twenty-nine," responded the young man.
|
|
1/30/07 |
Submitted by Todd
Payne:
Steven (age
3) looked fondly at his Sunday School teacher (who
was about to be both pleased and shocked by his
words) and said, "I like you so much that when you
die I'm going to bury you outside my window."
|
|
1/25/07 |
The deacon
fulfilled a life-long dream and opened a restaurant,
but he did not really know much about how such establishments
are run. The pastor and his wife dropped in
for dinner, and, after waiting for an hour, the
pastor ran out of patience.
"Look here," he said to the deacon, "How long do
I have to wait for the half-portion of duck we ordered?"
"Till somebody orders the other half," the deacon
said. "We just can't go out and kill half a duck."
|
|
1/16/07 |
The burglar
entered a poor minister's parsonage at night and
was startled when the minister walked into the room.
The burglar drew his gun and said, "If you move,
you're a dead man! I'm hunting for your money."
"Let me turn on the light," replied the minister,
"and I'll hunt with you."
|
|
1/9/07 |
The Sunday
School teacher was asking the new child a few questions
so the class could get to know him. "I can
see you're a bright boy. And how high can
you count?"
The boy proudly answered, "One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen
and King!"
|
|
1/2/07 |
Submitted by Pastor Carl Johnson:
The young wife
looked in at her young husband, and for the third
time, said, "Honey, you've got to get up; we'll
be late for church."
He replied, "In just a few minutes," just like he
did the other times.
This time, she went over to the side of the bed,
shook his shoulder and said, "But honey, you're
the pastor!"
|
|
