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Humor 2007

 Friday Study Ministries

Humor 2007

12/31/07 Sent by Steve Porrino:

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the crèche when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

12/23/07 A small church is a place where if one of the deacons has a black eye, he doesn't have to explain it to people - they know.
12/12/07 Someone from a far-off country was trying to learn American English, but was having difficulties.  He asked an American friend of his, "What is a polar bear?"
The friend replied, "A polar bear is a creature who lives in the far north?"
"But what is he like; what does he do?" persisted the first man.
"Well, he wears a white fur coat, sits on a cake of ice and eats raw fish," the friend replied.
"That settles it," said the man, "I will not accept!"
"What in the world are you talking about?" asked the friend."
"I was invited to be a polar bear at a funeral."
12/5/07 A young clergyman was being interviewed for the position of Assistant Pastor in a local church.  He was asked, "Why did you leave your last position?"
He answered, "It was because of illness; the Senior Pastor got sick of me."
11/29/07 The choir director's wife was complaining to her husband. "Why do you go out onto the patio when I sing?" she asked. "Don't you like to hear me?"
"It isn't that," replied the choir director, "but I want the neighbors to see that I'm not beating my wife!"
11/20/07 Little Mary was the daughter of the Pastor and his wife.  This Pastor was known to have a "difficult" personality.  One day, Mary asked her mother, "If I get married, will I have a husband like Daddy?"
"Yes, dear," her mother responded."
"And If I don't get married, will I be an old maid like Aunt Martha?"
"Yes, dear."
"Momma, it sure is a hard world for us women, isn't it?"
11/13/07 A true anecdote from Pastor Ron:

I distinctly remember one of my daughter's first prayers. We often shopped in Penney's Dept. Store in those days, and one night, as Jenni knelt beside her bed to pray, she uttered these words: "... And thank You, God, for Penney's, a good place to shop."

11/7/07 Two small boys were sharing together about their churches.  Billy asked Jon, "Why can't you come to MY church?"
Jon answered, "Because I belong to another abomination!"
11/1/07 The choir director arrived at the church early and spoke to a young man who was scheduled to be part of the music ministry on Sunday.
"Hi Jack," she asked, "Why isn't your brother here to practice with you?"  "Oh, he's here," answered Jack; "He's in the other room practicing a duet. I finished first."
10/25/07 By Pastor Dave Rader:

When I was a young man, I wanted to be an engineer.  I graduated and took the employment test with a company, but didn't get the job.  Somebody else got it.  "I got all the answers right except one," I said, "Why didn't I get the job?"  They told me "the decision was based on the incorrect answer."  They continued, "The other applicant answered 'I don't know' on question 5, and you wrote, 'I don't, either,' in response to the same question."
As a result of that experience, I became a pastor.

10/18/07 By Pastor Dave Rader:

The deacon was experiencing a mid-life crisis and looked to his wife for reassurance.  "Honey," he began, "If I lost my looks, my health, couldn't help around the house and lost all my money, would you still love me?"
"Yes I would still love you" she replied, "but even more I would really miss you."

10/11/07 The Sunday school teacher was telling her class about the return of the prodigal son.  "But even with all the joy," she continued," there was one who was unhappy about the the feast for the return of the prodigal son. Who was it?"
After a moment's silence, a small voice replied, "It must have been the fatted calf."
10/4/07 The pastor's mother was getting older and she suffered from arthritis.  A young nurses aid was hired to help her and the pastor's mother said to her: "Soon it will be necessary for you to help me upstairs."
"I understand, ma'am," replied the younger woman," I drink a little now and then myself."
9/27/07 The minister was visiting the junior department in the Sunday school and was asking the children questions to see what they had learned.
"Can you tell me," he asked, "what are sins of omission?"
A little girl answered with a question of her own: "Are they the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

9/19/07 A clergyman took a position as the minister of a small church next to the Canadian-U. S. border.  In fact, the parsonage was thought to be right on the border and a joint committee was selected to find out which country it was in.  After the committee decided it was in the U. S., the minister leaped for joy.  "Wonderful," he shouted, "now I don't have to suffer from those awful Canadian winters!"
9/12/07 A fight had surprisingly broken out during a church board meeting, involving three men who had struck one another with chairs.  Later, when the case went to criminal court, one of the defendants, a deacon, described how the other two defendants had hit one another with those chairs.
"Why didn't you try to establish peace?" asked the judge.  "Didn't you think about that?"
"Yes, I did, Your Honor," the deacon said, "that's why I picked up the other chair."

9/6/07 Two boys were on their way home from Sunday School.  One of them asked, "Do you believe in the devil?"
The other boy replied, "No, it's like Santa Claus; it's your father."

8/27/07 Rita had the ladies from her church group over for the evening.  After a little while, tiny feet were heard at the top of the stairs.  Rita smiled and said, "The children are going to give their good-night message.  I always love to hear them.
There was a moment of tense silence; then, shrilly, "Mom, Billy found a bedbug!"

8/21/07 From Steve Porrino:

He worked as a volunteer in a mega-church telephone prayer center that was open 24/7. A call came in from a lady who asked, "What hours are you (the call center) open?"
The volunteer replied, "We are open for prayer 24 hours a day, 7 days a  week."
The lady then asked, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"


8/13/07 From Steve Porrino:

The pastor arrived at the airport of the city where the Christian Conference was being held and his  his luggage was not to be found at the baggage claim area. He went to the lost luggage office and said to the woman who worked there, "My bags never arrived."
She smiled and told the pastor not to worry because she was a trained professional and he was in good hands. "Now," she asked, "has your plane arrived yet?"

8/9/07 From Steve Porrino:

A man worked hard all his life and saved his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Take my money and put it in the casket. I want to take it with me." She promised. At the funeral, the minister finished the ceremony and the undertakers were ready to close the casket. The new widow called out, "Wait a minute!" and took a large box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I know you aren't fool enough to put all that money in with your husband!" The widow replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian and can't go back on my word. I promised him I would do it and I did it."
You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him?" the friend asked. "I sure did," replied the wife. "I put it in my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

8/6/07 By Pastor Timothy H. Burdick -

The pastor and the deacon were traveling to another city for a conference by plane.  They were in their seats and watched as the pilot and co-pilot walked into the plane.  Both pilots wore dark glasses and one used a cane.  One of them held the arm of the other.
The deacon asked the pastor, "You don't think they could be blind, do you?"
The pastor nervously answered, "No," but he kept watching the pilots as they entered the cabin.
The plane began to taxi, picking up speed as it got closer and closer to a building.  When it was REALLY close, the passengers began to scream.
In the cabin, the pilot said to the co-pilot, "You know, one of these days they won't scream in time and we won't know when to take off!"

8/2/07 The new pastor was speaking to a parishioner after the Sunday service was over.  He asked her, "What did you think of my sermon?"
"It was very good," she replied.  "We really didn't know what sin was until you came here!"
7/27/07 The Sunday School teacher was sharing with the children about the animals of the Bible.  She asked them, "What do camels have that no other animals have."
One of the children cautiously put up his hand and when the teacher nodded at him, he proudly shouted, "Little camels!"
7/20/07 By Pastor H. B. London, Jr. -

The pastor and his wife were having an argument as they drove along a country road.  He pointed out the window at a group of farm animals, including cattle and pigs, and scornfully asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
She replied, "Yes; they're in-laws."

7/14/07 By Pastor H. B. London, Jr. -

"If you laid all the pastors in the world end-to-end, they would be more relaxed."

7/6/07 The minister received a telephone call from a tax agency, inquiring about an exceptionally large contribution to the church, listed as a tax deduction by a parishioner.
"Did he make the donation?" the tax man asked.
The minister hesitated for a moment and then said, "He will. I'm sure he will now!"
6/28/07 The pastor was interviewing a young lady for the position of church secretary.  He said, "I hope you understand the importance of punctuation."
She replied, "Oh yes, I always get to work on time."
6/20/07 From Church Bulletins, sent by Don Haynes:

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

6/13/07 The pastor's wife said to her little grandson, "Eat your spinach, dear; it makes strong teeth."  The boy replied, "Why don't you feed it to Grandpa?"
6/7/07 Given to FSM by Pastor Gary Drabek:

A clergyman usually had a pre-marriage conference with couples planning a wedding, and one of the questions he asked was how long they had known each other.

"Nine times out of ten," the clergyman said, "the groom will answer, 'Two or three years,' while the bride will say, 'Three or four years.'  In other words, she has had her eye on him, and he has been a dead duck for a year before he knew anything about it."

6/1/07 The pastor's wife was asking questions of her granddaughter to find out if the little girl knew her colors yet. Grandma would point something out and ask what color it was.  This went on for awhile until the little girl got tired of it and said, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."
5/23/07 Sent by Clifford the Clown:

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The cars were filled quickly, but there were many ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

5/15/07 From Pastor "Diver Dan" Dinette:

My wife and I have a ministry of signs and wonders.  When I preach, she's in the back of the church making signs at me.  When she does, I wonder what she means.

5/6/07 The pastor had been trying to publish his book for some time and was speaking to a publisher on the phone.  The publisher way saying, "It IS well written, but we publish only works by writers with well-known names."
"That's good," responded the pastor, "My name is Smith."
4/30/07 The Senior Pastor was speaking to an applicant for the secretarial position: "We can pay you a smaller amount per week right now, but then in six months when we see how you work out, we can pay you more."
She replied, "Thank you, I'll be back in six months."
4/20/07 A man who was in such a deep coma that he was declared dead, had suddenly sat up while the Pastor next to his bed was praying for the family.

"What did it feel like to be dead?" asked a friend later.
"I wasn't dead and I knew it," replied the man.  "I was hungry and my feet were cold."
"But what would that prove?" his friend asked.
"Well," he said, "I knew that if I was in heaven I wouldn't be hungry, and if I was in the other place, my feet wouldn't be cold."

4/12/07 Contributed by Diane Bowles:

On the first day of Christian school, the deacon's little boy, a first-grader, handed the teacher a note from his mother, who was the deacon's wife. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

4/2/07 Mike was so excited on his wedding day that he gave his bride $200.00 and kissed the minister.
3/27/07 Contributed by Diane Bowles:

The little girl, who was the daughter of the pastor and his wife, had just finished her first week of Christian day school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

3/19/07 The new assistant pastor was having trouble sleeping and he also couldn't get to church at 9 AM on weekdays, which was the time he had promised the hiring committee he would arrive.
The assistant pastor went to a doctor at the suggestion of the senior pastor, who gave him a small bottle of pills.  The young pastor took a pill that evening, slept well and ate breakfast leisurely.  He arrived at the church by 8:30 AM, half an hour before the agreed-upon time.
He said to the senior pastor, "Well, I didn't have any trouble getting up this morning."
"That's good, replied the senior pastor, "but where were you yesterday?"
3/13/07 Contributed by Diane Bowles:

The pastor's wife was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone and then heard these words, right before the little girl hung up: "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

3/9/07 The little boy had been asked by his teacher to give the prayer at the end of Sunday School, and he was just finishing: "And please, Lord, put the vitamins in pie and cake instead of in broccoli and spinach.  Amen."
2/28/07 The pastor went to court and stood with a parishioner who was charged with a crime.  The judge asked the man, "Are you guilty or not guilty." 
The parishioner responded, "I don't know, I haven't heard the evidence yet."
2/21/07 The doctor had just examined the patient, who was the deacon of a local church, and said to the deacon's wife, "I don't like the looks of your husband."
"I don't either, Doctor," said the deacon's wife, "but he is kind to the children."
2/15/07 By Pastor Gary Drabek of Brea Baptist Church:

A Baptist boy visited a Catholic boy's church for mass.  Several times he asked the other boy to explain some aspect of the service, and the Catholic boy explained what it meant each time.
The next Sunday they went to the Baptist church together.  The Pastor took off his watch and put it on the podium.
"What does that mean?" asked the Catholic boy.
The Baptist boy replied, "That doesn't mean anything."

2/3/07 The Mega-Church Personnel Director was interviewing an applicant for an Assistant-Pastoral position.  "How old are you?" he asked.
"Twenty-four," answered the young man.
"And just what do you expect to be five years from now?" asked the Personnel Director.
"Twenty-nine," responded the young man.
1/30/07 Submitted by Todd Payne:

Steven (age 3) looked fondly at his Sunday School teacher (who was about to be both pleased and shocked by his words) and said, "I like you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my window."

1/25/07 The deacon fulfilled a life-long dream and opened a restaurant, but he did not really know much about how such establishments are run.  The pastor and his wife dropped in for dinner, and, after waiting for an hour, the pastor ran out of patience.
"Look here," he said to the deacon, "How long do I have to wait for the half-portion of duck we ordered?"
"Till somebody orders the other half," the deacon said. "We just can't go out and kill half a duck."

1/16/07 The burglar entered a poor minister's parsonage at night and was startled when the minister walked into the room.  The burglar drew his gun and said, "If you move, you're a dead man!  I'm hunting for your money."
"Let me turn on the light," replied the minister, "and I'll hunt with you."

1/9/07 The Sunday School teacher was asking the new child a few questions so the class could get to know him.  "I can see you're a bright boy.  And how high can you count?"
The boy proudly answered, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen and King!"

1/2/07 Submitted by Pastor Carl Johnson:

The young wife looked in at her young husband, and for the third time, said, "Honey, you've got to get up; we'll be late for church."
He replied, "In just a few minutes," just like he did the other times.
This time, she went over to the side of the bed, shook his shoulder and said, "But honey, you're the pastor!"


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Humor 200
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