| 12/29/06 |
The boy was very bright, "too bright sometimes," the
Sunday School Teacher thought. She asked him
another question: "Why would it be wrong to cut off a
cat's tail?"
He answered, "The Bible says, 'What God hath joined
together, let no man put asunder!'"
|
| 12/21/06 |
The Sunday School Teacher said, "Johnny, I'm ashamed of
you. When I was no bigger than you, I could recite all
the Books of the Bible in order without hesitation."
Johnny replied, "Yeah; but there was only five or six of
them then."
|
| 12/15/06 |
A
mental patient was talking with the new ward chaplain at
the state hospital. "We like you a lot better than
we did the last chaplain," he said.
The new chaplain was obviously pleased.
"Would you mind telling me why?" he asked.
"Oh, somehow you just seem so much more like one of us," the
inmate said.
|
| 12/9/06 |
Sent by Bill Dyer:
Some people are kind, polite, and
sweet-spirited, until you try to sit in their pews.
|
| 12/5/06 |
Sent by Tricia Beckham:
A man and his wife
were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up
first, and then we won't have to wait so long to get our
coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and
I can just wait for my coffee."
She replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it's in
the Bible that the man should make the coffee."
The husband answered, "I can't believe that, show me!"
So she fetched the Bible, and opening it to the New
Testament, she showed him at the top of several pages,
that indeed it does say.... "HEBREWS"
|
| 11/27/06 |
A
customer walked into a religious bookstore and asked the
manager, "Do you have a book called 'Man, the Master of
Women?'"
"We don't sell fiction here," the manager replied.
|
| 11/24/06 |
The pastor asked the older man, "How did you like my
sermon?" The man answered, "Well, pastor, I don't
really get a fair chance at those sermons of yours. I'm
old now, and I have to sit in the back, near the heater, and there's a bunch of women sitting in front of
me, swallowing up the best of the sermon, and well, what
gets down to me is pretty poor stuff, pastor, pretty
poor stuff."
|
| 11/15/06 |
In the rush to get to church on time, a page had fallen
out of the pastor's sermon notes and was gone. To
his horror, he found himself saying, "And Adam said to
Eve... that's funny, there seems to be a leaf missing."
|
| 11/9/06 |
The banker, who was noted for his charitable gifts to
religious organizations, decided to schedule a dinner
for a group of clergymen. He hired a butler for
the occasion, and told the man, "I expect ten clergymen
to dine with me."
The butler asked, "Are they High Church or Low Church,
sir?"
The banker asked, "What does it matter?"
The butler responded, "If they are High Church, they
will drink; if they are Low Church, they will eat!"
|
| 10/27/06 |
The pastor was in the pulpit in front of the
congregation, staring at his sermon notes. After
pausing for too long a time, he said, "This is a great
sermon, people. I feel so convicted I don't think I can
finish it"
|
| 10/19/06 |
Two women were talking with one another. One of
them said, "My church is so small that every time our
pastor says, 'Dearly Beloved,' you feel like you had
received a proposal."
|
| 10/4/06 |
When it came time for
the offering, the guest speaker noticed that the ushers
did not come forward, so the preacher for that day
passed his hat to the congregation. It made the
circuit of the congregation and came back to the
preacher - empty! Not a penny was in it! He
turned the hat upside down and shook it, so that all
might see there was nothing in it. And then,
raising his eyes to the ceiling, he prayed with great
fervor: "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from
this congregation."
|
| 9/27/06 |
The middle-aged deacon fell in love with a much younger
lady. He wanted to marry her, but was afraid she
might be after his money, so, under an assumed name, he
hired a private detective to check the girl & give him a
detailed report.
After investigation,
the deacon was given the report: "Miss Jones," the
report read, "is a person of the highest character. But
we are sorry to inform you that during the past few days
she has been seen frequently in the company of an older
man of questionable reputation."
|
| 9/15/06 |
The pastor looked out over the many, many empty seats,
and commenced his Sunday sermon: "Brethren," he began,
"THIS Sunday, I have decided to preach about a less
controversial subject..."
|
| 9/5/06 |
A
man came to the pastor for counseling. The pastor
asked, "Are you married or single?"
"Married, for ten years," was the answer.
"Have you formed an opinion about your situation?" asked
the pastor.
"Not for ten years," answered the man.
|
| 8/24/06 |
Three pastors were having their weekly breakfast
discussion and time of prayer. They began to talk
about when life really begins. One of them said,
"At conception!" Another said, "At birth!" and the
third pastor was quiet. Finally, the third pastor
interrupted and said, "Look, you both have it wrong.
Life truly only begins after the kids leave home and the
dog dies!"
|
| 8/16/06 |
Sent by Diane Bowles:
The pastor's wife's grandson was visiting the parsonage
one day and he asked her, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?"
She mentally polished her halo and then responded with a
smile, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he said.
|
| 8/8/06 |
The physics teacher at a Christian high school was
trying to make the point that even though man had made
great scientific progress, he did not know the basic
truths about the universe.
"Even though I have a PhD in physics," he told the
students, "I know that we still don't know all the
underlying principles that make the electric light
work."
"Why, that's not hard to understand," said a young man
in the back, "you just flip the switch - and it works!"
|
| 8/2/06 |
The young man had become a pastor in a town so small
that he had to take a job with the town in order to make
ends meet, but then something happened.
He was telling the story to the deacon: "I lost my job
as a dogcatcher."
The deacon asked, "How come?"
The young pastor replied, "Because I caught the dog!"
|
| 7/27/06 |
This really happened:
A young skeptic who
attended the service interrupted the evangelist Billy
Sunday with the question, "Who was Cain's wife?"
The evangelist
answered seriously: "I honor every seeker after
knowledge of the truth. But I have a word of warning for
this questioner. Don't risk salvation by too much
inquiring after other men's wives."
|
| 7/20/06 |
The aging church deacon had purchased a new hearing aid
that was practically invisible. He was telling his
pastor what he thought of it.
"I'll bet your family
likes it," said the pastor.
"Oh, they don't even
know I've got it," replied the deacon," and I'm having
fun with it! In the past week, I've changed my
will three times!"
|
| 7/12/06 |
From Pastor Don Hyrkas:
A husband and wife in
their 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. An angel suddenly appeared and told
them, "You have been faithful to one another throughout
your marriage. Each of you is entitled to have a
prayer instantly granted."
The wife smiled and
said, "I want a cruise around the world for two!"
Suddenly, two tickets on the Queen Mary II appeared in
her hand!
The husband thought
for just a minute and said, "I am sorry, dear, but I
want to be married to someone thirty years younger than
myself."
And suddenly, he was
93-years old!
|
| 7/2/06 |
Sent by Clifford the
Clown:
A man who was an avid
golfer asked his pastor, "I have a question that only
you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real
need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can
you tell me if there is?"
The pastor, who had a
reputation for getting answers to prayer, replied, "I do
not know the answer to your question, but I will pray
and get back to you." The next day the pastor called the
man and said to him, "I have some good news in relation
to your question. Heaven has the most fabulous golf
course that you could imagine and it is in eternally
perfect shape. And there's even more!"
"And what's that?"
asked the man with great interest.
"You tee-off tomorrow
morning!" the pastor replied.
|
| 6/27/06 |
Sent by Clifford the
Clown:
Gladys was the
preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday
to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed
to be long, a couple of people in the congregation fell
asleep.
After the service, to
be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor,
she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm
Gladys Dunn."
To which the
gentleman replied, "Me, too!"
|
| 6/21/06 |
By Msgr. Joseph P.
Dooley, Sr.
-
"Men marry women
hoping they won't change; women marry men hoping they
will."
|
| 6/15/06 |
The young minister
sent an email to announce the new baby's arrival:
"Isaiah 9:6" it said, which is the well-known verse,
"For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given."
The minister's father didn't know the Bible very well.
He wrote back: "Mom and I believe you are saying you had
a boy who weighed 9 pounds, 6 ounces; that's great, but
why did you name him 'Isaiah?'"
|
| 6/9/06 |
The pastor spoke to
his obviously intoxicated church member as he arrived
for the service: "Ralph, whiskey is your worst enemy."
Ralph replied, "But didn't you tell us last Sunday to
love our enemies?"
"Sure," the pastor responded, "but I didn't tell you to
swallow them."
|
| 6/5/06 |
Sent by Larry Ferrell
An 85-year old
couple, married almost 60 years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly
due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked
out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
They "oohed, aahed" and the man asked Peter how much all
this was going to cost?
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they surveyed the championship golf course that was
attached to their home - golfing privileges everyday and
each week the course changed to a new one representing
the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?"
Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish
buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!"
Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter responded, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get
fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, threw
down his halo and stomped on it, and shrieked loudly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking
what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said,
"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted
bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
|
| 5/30/06 |
A pastor was talking after the service with a
hard-working woman who was a devoted member, always
present on Sundays. He expressed his thanks for
her faithfulness.
"Yes," she said, "it is such a rest after a long, hard
work week, to come to church, sit down on the soft
cushions, and not think about anything."
|
| 5/23/06 |
The pastor was visiting a man in the hospital who had
been badly injured in a fight. "I'm going to pray
you'll forgive the man who hit you," said the pastor."
The patient replied, "I think it'll be better if you
wait until I get out of here and then pray for the man
who hit me!"
|
| 5/18/06 |
The student-reporter of the campus newspaper at the
seminary was taking his job a little too seriously.
He ran up to a workman who had just fallen from the roof
of the campus chapel.
The injured man said feebly, "I am going to die."
"Cheer up, sir," the reporter said, "How do you spell
your last name?"
|
| 5/11/06 |
The Sunday School teacher was responding patiently to
the little girl's answer to his question: "No,
Jennifer, the man in the tummy of the big fish was not
Pinocchio!"
|
| 5/4/06 |
Sent by
Diana Ruiz:
A little girl,
dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran
she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb
and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her
dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started
running again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please
don't shove me either!"
|
| 4/28/06 |
A
Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and
wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said,
"Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can
obtain forgiveness of sin?" There was a short pause and
then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up.
"Sin!" he said.
|
| 4/18/06 |
Sent by Clifford the
Clown:
An old-fashioned
fire-and-brimstone minister came to the bedside of a
dying agnostic.
"Do you reject the devil?" demanded the minister.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the
agnostic.
|
| 4/10/06 |
The pastor was on his way to visit a parishioner who was
in the hospital; and he came up to the toll booth at the
expressway, driving his old, broken-down wreck of a car.
"Two dollars," said the toll collector.
"Sold," replied the pastor.
|
| 4/4/06 |
Sent by
Dennis Stinson:
An elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed,
hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his
lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked after image, walked into the
"Senior Singles" meeting at the church, and sat next to
a lady in her 80's.
He turned to her and inquired, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"
|
| 3/29/06 |
The photographer had been hired to take photos for the
Church Directory, and he was getting fed-up at all the
re-takes. "I certainly don't like the photos you
took of me," the church member was saying,
"I look like an ape."
The photographer took a deep breath and replied, "You
should have thought of that before you had them taken!"
|
| 3/21/06 |
The pastor's son and the deacon's son were working as
lifeguards for the summer. The deacon's son asked
the pastor's son, "What's the best way to teach a girl
to swim?"
He replied, "First you put your left arm around her
waist, then you gently take her left hand and..."
"She's my sister," the deacon's son interrupted.
"Oh, push her off the dock," the pastor's son said.
|
| 3/14/06 |
"You've got to have more recreation and relaxation,"
said the doctor to the overworked pastor.
"But I'm too busy," replied the pastor.
That's silly," said the doctor. "Remember the ants
at the last church picnic? Ants are busy all the time,
and yet they never miss an opportunity to attend one of
our picnics!"
|
| 3/8/06 |
It had rained the day before and the two little sons of
the pastor and his wife were playing outside. The
mother looked out and saw them sitting in the mud, and
just as she looked, she saw the older boy dunk his
brother's head in the mud. "What are you DOING?"
she shouted, as she ran out into the yard. "Baptizing
him, replied the older son, "in the name of the Father,
the Son and in the hole he goes."
|
| 3/2/06 |
The deacon had been laid-off from work and was
interviewing for another job."
"How long did you work in your last position?"
The deacon replied, "Fifty-five years."
The interviewer then asked, "How old are you?"
The deacon answered, "Forty-five years."
Exasperated, the interviewer asked, "How could you work
55-years when you are only 45-years old?"
The deacon replied: "Overtime!"
|
| 2/23/06 |
While she was
applying for the position of pianist in the church, she
idly played on the piano and hummed a tune. The
choir director listened for a moment and then asked, "Do
you sing and play much?"
"Not much," the young lady responded, "I just do it to
kill time."
"Well, you've certainly chosen the perfect weapon,"
responded the choir director.
|
| 2/15/06 |
The pastor
interrupted his sermon to read out loud the notice that
had just been handed to him:
"We interrupt this
sermon to inform you that the fifth grade boys are now
in complete control of their Sunday school class and are
holding Miss Robbins hostage..."
|
| 2/10/06 |
Sent by Clifford the
Clown:
The plane hit a patch
of severe turbulence and all the passengers were holding
on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A
little, elderly lady turned to a minister who was
sitting behind her and demanded, "You're a man of God.
Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry,
Ma'am, I can't. I'm in sales, not in management."
|
| 1/31/06 |
The couple was seeing the pastor for counseling and the
husband had been talking a lot! He was saying,
"Until I got married, my habits were as regular as
clockwork. I rose exactly at six; half an hour later I
was at breakfast. At seven I was at work. I had
lunch at one, supper at six, and was in bed at
nine-thirty. I ate only plain food, and didn't
have a day of sickness during all those years...."
"My," interrupted the pastor, "and what were you in
for?"
|
| 1/26/06 |
The mad scientist was excited as he told his assistant
about his latest creation, which looked very much like a
couch made out of stone: "Finally, Igor," he shouted, "a
seat more painful than the church pew!"
|
| 1/18/06 |
As an illustration for
his sermon, the pastor mentioned a recent conversation
when he visited his friend, the newspaper editor.
The editor had been
concerned about the front page for the following day.
"What will we do?" he had blurted. "Nothing terrible has
happened for almost twenty-four hours!"
Then an older man, a
reporter, interrupted and said, "Take it easy; something
will happen. You shouldn't lose faith in human
nature!"
|
| 1/9/06 |
Sent by Clifford the
Clown:
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me!" complained a
little boy who had been praying for a new bike.
"Art who?" asked the boy's mother.
"Art in heaven," came the reply.
|
| 1/2/06 |
Sent by Clifford the
Clown:
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for a
Sunday meal. While they were in the kitchen preparing
the meal, the minister asked their son what they were
having for supper. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you
sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Daddy say to Mommy,
'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any
other day.'"
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