| 12/29/05 |
The
tall robber was looking down at the pastor,
holding his weapon at the ready, and he was demanding that
the pastor hand over his wallet and watch.
The pastor, late for an appointment and frustrated by a
week that already contained too many problems, looked up
at his attacker and snarled, "Unhand me, or I'll use you
in a sermon illustration!"
|
| 12/23/05 |
The
Sunday School teacher was using a beautiful rose to
illustrate the miracle of life. "Now," she said,
"who can tell me what makes this beautiful rose blossom
come forth from this rather drab-looking plant?"
The small son of a mother who had a garden, spoke up and
said: "Fertilizer!"
|
| 12/15/05 |
Two
friends, fishing on a Sunday morning, were feeling
rather guilty. "I suppose," said one, "we should
have stayed home and gone to church."
"I couldn't have gone to church anyway," said the other,
"My wife's sick in bed."
|
| 12/1/05 |
The little boy ended his prayer by
saying, "and please, Lord, could you put the vitamins in
pie and cake instead of in carrots and spinach? Amen."
|
| 11/24/05 |
Received from
Clifford the Clown
-
Thanksgiving day was approaching
and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a
painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren,
observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church
with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson
replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
|
| 11/18/05 |
From
“Church Chuckles”
-
The pastor began his sermon in the same droning voice
that had placed so many into deep slumber through the
years. He said: "To balance last week's twenty-six
point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless."
|
| 11/8/05 |
From
“Absolute Zero Gravity,” by Devine & Cohen:
An angel appeared at the faculty meeting of a seminary
and said to the dean: “In return for your unselfish and
exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your
choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without
hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom. "Done!"
said the angel, disappearing in a cloud of smoke and a
bolt of lightning. Now all heads turned toward the dean,
who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length,
one of his colleagues whispered, "Say something!" The
dean said, "I should have taken the money!"
|
| 11/3/05 |
The Chairman of the Pastoral Search
Committee was answering the question of the applicant
for the position of Senior Pastor: "No, we don't
have a retirement plan. Nobody ever wanted to be our
pastor that long."
|
| 10/28/05 |
A minister's young son sat on the
floor of his father's office watching him write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" the boy
asked. "Why, God tells me." his father replied.
"Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
|
| 10/22/05 |
The pastor's son was not very
effective at romance, though he thought he was.
The young man had been sitting on the girl's front steps
talking to her for hours and hours. Finally, she
said to him, "It's such a pretty night, would you like
to take a walk?"
"Yes," he said, "I'd love to."
"Okay, she said, "don't let me stop you."
|
| 10/16/05 |
The worried-looking man was speaking
to his pastor on the telephone. He was saying, "My
wife just left me, I lost my job, I need surgery, and my
spirits have hit bottom. Pastor, you've gotta' help me.
What's the difference between pre-, post-, and
anti-millennialism?"
|
| 10/1/05 |
The four pastors decided that since
they were all having next Monday off, they would play
golf together. The first hole was next to the
street and the first pastor hooked his tee shot into the
street. The ball bounced, hit the tire of a bus
and bounced back onto the fairway, just inches from the
front of the green. One of the other pastors
asked, "How did you do that?" The first pastor
replied with a smile, "You have to know the bus
schedule."
|
| 9/23/05 |
The young father-to-be was startled
by his wife's words and called his pastor, who agreed to
come to the hospital. They could hear the young
wife through the curtain. She was shouting, "Couldn't,
wouldn't, didn't, can't..."
"Pastor," the young man asked nervously, "what's wrong
with my wife?"
"Nothing," replied the pastor, "she's just having
contractions."
|
| 9/17/05 |
Everyone knew that the young deacon
had been trying hard to become a professional painter,
but hadn't sold any paintings. He was looking for
any ray of hope. One day, he breathlessly said to
the pastor, "Do you remember the painting I sent to the
Chicago exhibit? Well, here's $50.00 for it!"
"Wonderful," replied the pastor, "So they decided to
keep it?"
"Well, no," responded the deacon, "this is from the
express mail company. They lost it."
|
| 9/10/05 |
The pastor was at his desk in fervent
prayer, lifting his hands upward, asking:
"... and Father, I ask Thee now for a good text to
accompany this fantastic joke."
|
| 9/5/05 |
Two pastors met at their 30th college
reunion. One of them seemed relatively young and
vibrant, while the other looked old and worn out.
The younger looking pastor asked his classmate, "Have
you been ill?"
"No," replied the older-looking pastor, "It's the
counseling; it really bothers me. It's hard to
listen. Is it a problem for you?"
The younger looking man responded, "Who listens?"
|
| 8/31/05 |
The optimistic pastor always said:
"Oh, well, it might have been worse."
One day a parishioner stopped him and said, "I dreamed
last night that I died, went to hell, and was doomed to
everlasting torment."
"Oh, well, replied the pastor, "it might have been
worse."
"What do you mean?" cried the parishioner. "How could it
have been worse?"
"It might have been true," replied the pastor.
|
| 8/24/05 |
A little boy asked his father at
dinner: "Did you go to Sunday School when you were
little?"
"Certainly," replied his father, "I never missed a
Sunday!"
"See, Mom," the boy continued, turning to his mother,
"It won't do ME any good either!"
|
| 8/15/05 |
"Don't worry about your son playing
with his blocks all day long," the pastor told the upset
mother, during a counseling session, "It's quite
normal."
"Well!" she said. "I don't think it's normal and neither
does his wife."
|
| 8/6/05 |
The mother was doing her best to
home-school her little boy, under the guidance of the
school associated with her church. Periodically,
the school would review their progress. He already
knew the alphabet and his mother was proudly showing off
his accomplishment.
"What is the first letter?" asked the school official.
"A," replied the little boy.
"That's right," said the official, "and what comes after
A?"
"All the rest of them," replied the little boy.
|
| 7/26/05 |
Two little boys were sitting next to
one another in a Sunday School class. One was
eating a piece of cake. The other was crying.
The Sunday School teacher went over to see what was the
matter.
"What's he crying for?" she asked the first one.
"Because I won't give him any of my cake," he said."
"Is his cake all gone?" the teacher asked.
"Yes," he replied, "and he cried when I was eating that,
too!"
|
| 7/21/05 |
After Sunday School was over, the
boy's uncle asked him, "Bobby, do you have a girl
friend?" "Gosh, no," eight-year old Bobby
answered, and ran off to the baseball game.
The little girl who had walked out of the Sunday School
class with Bobby, smiled wisely at Bobby's uncle and
said, "They're always the last to know, aren't they?"
|
| 7/15/05 |
The Sunday morning service was over
and the head deacon was handing the guest speaker a
check. "No, no," the speaker said, "I wouldn't
think of accepting payment. I was happy to speak
to you. Please contribute my honorarium to some
worthy cause." "Thank you,
responded the deacon. We'll put it in our special
fund." "Good," said the
guest speaker, and then he continued by asking, "What's
the fund for?" "Well, if
you must know," replied the deacon, "It's to help us get
better speakers next year."
|
| 7/9/05 |
By Robert E. Lee (not the
Civil War General) I
feel sorry for Moses. He spent 40-years in the
wilderness, eating nothing but bread off the ground and
an occasional bird, and every day a million people would
come up to him and ask,
"Are we there, yet?"
|
| 7/1/05 |
Contributed by Tim Watson
Most Pastors live sedentary
lives. This program of exercise was suggested at
a recent pastors retreat, to build strength in the arms
and shoulders. It seems so easy, it's being passed-on to
non-clergy friends. The leader of the retreat suggested
doing it three times a week. Begin by standing on a
comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each
hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can
hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple
of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb.
potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that
level, put a potato into each of the sacks; but be
careful.
|
| 6/23/05 |
All the attendees were looking
expectantly at the Head Deacon, as he started reading
from the bylaws. They had exceeded the time
allotted for this meeting and were hopeful that he would
now quickly resolve the matter before them. "I am
reading from Article XII," he began, and, after a pause,
he continued: "Our bylaws specifically state that the
will of God cannot be overturned without a two-thirds
majority vote."
|
| 6/18/05 |
"What do you think was the greatest
achievement of the Greeks?" asked the Professor of
Religious Studies. A student of Religious Studies
raised his hand and replied: "Speaking Greek!"
|
| 6/9/05 |
The young pastor and his wife tucked
their three-year old son into bed for the night.
Then they heard frantic sobbing from his room and,
rushing back in, found him crying hysterically. He
managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and
he was sure he was going to die. No amount of
talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm
him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended
to pull it from the boy's ear. In a flash, the
young son grabbed it from his father's hand, swallowed
it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy!" |
| 6/2/05 |
A stingy old man who had been
diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to
prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, he thought he knew
how to take at least some of his money with him when he
died. He instructed his
wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill
two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags
of money to the attic and leave them directly above his
bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would
reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral,
the deceased man's wife went up to the attic. Coming
upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she
exclaimed, "Oh, that old fool, I knew he should have had
me put the money in the basement."
|
| 5/27/05 |
At the
beginning of his sermon, the pastor took four jars, and
while he was talking, filled each one. The first was
filled with whiskey, the second with smoke, the third
with chocolate syrup, and the fourth with earth – dirt.
He then placed one earthworm into each bottle and put
lids on all of them. At the end of his message, he
opened the jars and took out the earthworms. Three of
them were dead, but the one that came from the jar
filled with earth was alive and wiggling around on his
hand. He asked the congregation, “Do you know what this
means?” An elderly lady called back to him, “Yes. If
you drink, smoke and eat a lot of chocolate, you’ll
never get worms!”
|
| 5/20/05 |
A man fell into a pit and couldn't
get out.
- A subjective person saw
him and said, "I feel for you down there."
- An objective person
said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."
- A Pharisee said, "Only
bad people fall into pits."
- A mathematician
calculated how he fell into the pit.
- A news reporter wanted
an exclusive story.
- The tax collector asked him if
he was paying taxes on the pit.
- A self-pitying person
said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen MY
pit!"
- A hell-fire preacher said,
"You deserve your pit."
- A Christian Scientist
said, "The pit is just in your mind."
- A psychologist told him,
"Your mother and father are to blame."
- A self-esteem therapist
said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out."
- An optimist said,
"Things could be worse."
- A pessimist said,
"Things WILL get worse.
Jesus saw the man, took him by the hand and lifted
him out of the pit.
|
| 5/13/05 |
Sent by Jenni Whiteside
Who was the best male financier in
the Old Testament? ---
Answer - Noah - he floated all his stock while everyone
else was in liquidation.
Who was the best female
financier in the Old Testament? ---
Answer - Pharaoh's daughter - she went to the bank and
pulled in a prophet.
What in one word best describes
Boaz before getting married?
Answer - Ruthless.
|
| 5/10/05 |
The Sunday School teacher was
responding to the answer of a little girl to the subject
under discussion: He said, "No, Jennifer, the man in the
tummy of the big fish was not Pinocchio!"
|
| 5/3/05 |
The elderly pastor at the wedding was
becoming forgetful and was an ardent fisherman. He
asked the groom, "Do you promise to love, honor and
cherish this woman?"
"I do," replied the groom.
"OK," continued the pastor, as he turned to the bride,
"reel him in!"
|
| 4/23/05 |
Six-year old Jack and his four-year
old sister, Vicki, were sitting together in church.
Vicki giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally,
her big brother had had enough. "You're not
supposed to talk out loud in church!"
"Why? Who's going to stop me," Vicki asked.
Jack pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers!"
|
| 4/14/05 |
The pastor was making a strong point
that "Now is the day of salvation," and, looking hard at
the congregation, continued, "Every time I take a
breath, somebody dies!"
A child in the front row somewhat loudly asked her
mother: "Why doesn't he brush his teeth?"
|
| 4/8/05 |
(Sent by Clifford the
Clown) A well-worn one
dollar bill and an old twenty dollar bill arrived at a
Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along
the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a
conversation.
The twenty dollar bill
reminisced about travels all over the USA. "I've had a
pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been
to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants
in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise
to the Caribbean." Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You
really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," said the twenty,
"where have you been in your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replied, "Oh, I've been to the
Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran
Church ..."
The twenty dollar bill interrupted: "What's a church?"
|
| 4/1/05 |
The wealthy parishioner had confessed
a serious problem in his life and was completing the
counseling session with his pastor. The wealthy church
member said: “I’ve never been good at repentance,
Pastor. I’ll tell you what – I’ll just let you use my
condo in the Bahamas during August, and God can call it
even!"
|
| 3/28/05 |
The young pastor looked into the crib
holding his little one, and asked with a smile, "So
how's my bundle of sermon illustrations today?"
|
| 3/24/05 |
A heavy snowstorm closed the local
schools. When the children returned to the Christian day
school a few days later, a teacher asked her students
whether they had used the time away from school
constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I kept
on praying for more snow!"
|
| 3/17/05 |
Deacon Byrnes asked Pastor Johnson,
"Do you believe in free speech?"
The pastor replied, "Well, Certainly I do!"
The deacon continued: "Wonderful! May I use your cell
phone?"
|
| 3/12/05 |
A little girl is reported to have
written in her church grade school class: "Syntax is all
the money collected at church from sinners."
|
| 3/3/05 |
Everyone knew the deceased had a
sense of humor, so the minister decided to quote Johnny
Carson during the funeral service: "For three days after
death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone
calls taper off."
|
| 2/22/05 |
The two happened to be sitting next
to one another in the darkened auditorium of the church.
One leaned over and whispered to the other, "That singer
has a terrible voice. "Do you know who she is?"
He responded, "Yes, she is my wife."
There was a pause. Then the first person
continued, "Well, I really didn't mean her voice, it is
the music she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful
music?"
He responded:
"I did."
|
| 2/12/05 |
The husband, who remembered his
pastor's advice from a few days before, LISTENED
CAREFULLY as his wife asked him, "Honey, do you know
what day this is?"
He didn't remember, but didn't say anything, and hurried
off to work. On the way home, he stopped at a
store and purchased a $100.00 gift for his wife.
As he walked into their house, he said, "Honey, look
what I bought you in honor of this great day!"
"My goodness," his wife replied, "how wonderful.
This is the happiest Groundhog Day I can ever remember!"
|
| 2/5/05 |
The pastor was being introduced at
the annual meeting - "Here's Pastor Williams. He
doesn't need an introduction. He sometimes needs a
conclusion, but he doesn't need an introduction."
|
| 1/31/05 |
A lodge held their meetings in the
Sunday School of the local church. One of the
lodge members called another member to tell him that
tonight's meeting was cancelled. "Why was it
cancelled?" he asked. The caller answered,
"Because the wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible
Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him out tonight."
|
| 1/22/05 |
A member of the congregation who had
gone to prison was discussing his crimes with the deacon
who was visiting him. The deacon asked: "You
always did your burglaries single-handed. Why didn't you
have an accomplice?" "Well," the prisoner replied,
"I was afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
|
| 1/16/05 |
The pastor was interviewing someone
for the position of church secretary. "Tell me
about your typing," he was saying. She replied, "I
use the biblical system." The pastor learned
forward, interested, and said, "I never heard of that;
tell me about it!" Her answer: "Seek and ye shall
find."
|
| 1/9/05 |
The music leader went into the
pastor's office and was telling the pastor about the new
music he had written: "This one is for the offering; if
you play it backwards you can hear, 'Tithe, tithe, it
feels good to tithe...'"
|
| 1/2/05 |
Sign
on a church nursery: "THEY SHALL NOT ALL SLEEP, BUT THEY
SHALL ALL BE CHANGED!" |
|
