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Humor 2005

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Humor 2005

12/29/05 The tall robber was looking down at the pastor, holding his weapon at the ready, and he was demanding that the pastor hand over his wallet and watch.
The pastor, late for an appointment and frustrated by a week that already contained too many problems, looked up at his attacker and snarled, "Unhand me, or I'll use you in a sermon illustration!"

12/23/05 The Sunday School teacher was using a beautiful rose to illustrate the miracle of life.  "Now," she said, "who can tell me what makes this beautiful rose blossom come forth from this rather drab-looking plant?"
The small son of a mother who had a garden, spoke up and said: "Fertilizer!"

12/15/05 Two friends, fishing on a Sunday morning, were feeling rather guilty.  "I suppose," said one, "we should have stayed home and gone to church."
"I couldn't have gone to church anyway," said the other, "My wife's sick in bed."

12/1/05 The little boy ended his prayer by saying, "and please, Lord, could you put the vitamins in pie and cake instead of in carrots and spinach? Amen."
11/24/05 Received from Clifford the Clown -

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

11/18/05 From “Church Chuckles” -

The pastor began his sermon in the same droning voice that had placed so many into deep slumber through the years.  He said: "To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless."

11/8/05 From “Absolute Zero Gravity,” by Devine & Cohen:

An angel appeared at the faculty meeting of a seminary and said to the dean: “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selected infinite wisdom.  "Done!" said the angel, disappearing in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now all heads turned toward the dean, who sat surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispered, "Say something!" The dean said, "I should have taken the money!"

11/3/05 The Chairman of the Pastoral Search Committee was answering the question of the applicant for the position of Senior Pastor:  "No, we don't have a retirement plan. Nobody ever wanted to be our pastor that long."
10/28/05 A minister's young son sat on the floor of his father's office watching him write a sermon.  "How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.  "Why, God tells me." his father replied.
"Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
10/22/05 The pastor's son was not very effective at romance, though he thought he was.  The young man had been sitting on the girl's front steps talking to her for hours and hours.  Finally, she said to him, "It's such a pretty night, would you like to take a walk?"
"Yes," he said, "I'd love to."
"Okay, she said, "don't let me stop you."
10/16/05 The worried-looking man was speaking to his pastor on the telephone.  He was saying, "My wife just left me, I lost my job, I need surgery, and my spirits have hit bottom. Pastor, you've gotta' help me.  What's the difference between pre-, post-, and anti-millennialism?"
10/1/05 The four pastors decided that since they were all having next Monday off, they would play golf together.  The first hole was next to the street and the first pastor hooked his tee shot into the street.  The ball bounced, hit the tire of a bus and bounced back onto the fairway, just inches from the front of the green.  One of the other pastors asked, "How did you do that?"  The first pastor replied with a smile, "You have to know the bus schedule."
9/23/05 The young father-to-be was startled by his wife's words and called his pastor, who agreed to come to the hospital.  They could hear the young wife through the curtain. She was shouting, "Couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't..."
"Pastor," the young man asked nervously, "what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing," replied the pastor, "she's just having contractions."
9/17/05 Everyone knew that the young deacon had been trying hard to become a professional painter, but hadn't sold any paintings.  He was looking for any ray of hope.  One day, he breathlessly said to the pastor, "Do you remember the painting I sent to the Chicago exhibit? Well, here's $50.00 for it!"
"Wonderful," replied the pastor, "So they decided to keep it?"
"Well, no," responded the deacon, "this is from the express mail company. They lost it."
9/10/05 The pastor was at his desk in fervent prayer, lifting his hands upward, asking:
"... and Father, I ask Thee now for a good text to accompany this fantastic joke."
9/5/05 Two pastors met at their 30th college reunion.  One of them seemed relatively young and vibrant, while the other looked old and worn out.
The younger looking pastor asked his classmate, "Have you been ill?"
"No," replied the older-looking pastor, "It's the counseling; it really bothers me.  It's hard to listen.  Is it a problem for you?"
The younger looking man responded, "Who listens?"
8/31/05 The optimistic pastor always said: "Oh, well, it might have been worse."
One day a parishioner stopped him and said, "I dreamed last night that I died, went to hell, and was doomed to everlasting torment."
"Oh, well, replied the pastor, "it might have been worse."
"What do you mean?" cried the parishioner. "How could it have been worse?"
"It might have been true," replied the pastor.
8/24/05 A little boy asked his father at dinner:  "Did you go to Sunday School when you were little?"
"Certainly," replied his father, "I never missed a Sunday!"
"See, Mom," the boy continued, turning to his mother, "It won't do ME any good either!"
8/15/05 "Don't worry about your son playing with his blocks all day long," the pastor told the upset mother, during a counseling session, "It's quite normal."
"Well!" she said. "I don't think it's normal and neither does his wife."
8/6/05 The mother was doing her best to home-school her little boy, under the guidance of the school associated with her church.  Periodically, the school would review their progress.  He already knew the alphabet and his mother was proudly showing off his accomplishment.
"What is the first letter?" asked the school official.
"A," replied the little boy.
"That's right," said the official, "and what comes after A?"
"All the rest of them," replied the little boy.
7/26/05 Two little boys were sitting next to one another in a Sunday School class.  One was eating a piece of cake.  The other was crying.  The Sunday School teacher went over to see what was the matter.
"What's he crying for?" she asked the first one.
"Because I won't give him any of my cake," he said."
"Is his cake all gone?" the teacher asked.
"Yes," he replied, "and he cried when I was eating that, too!"
7/21/05 After Sunday School was over, the boy's uncle asked him, "Bobby, do you have a girl friend?"  "Gosh, no," eight-year old Bobby answered, and ran off to the baseball game.
The little girl who had walked out of the Sunday School class with Bobby, smiled wisely at Bobby's uncle and said, "They're always the last to know, aren't they?"
7/15/05 The Sunday morning service was over and the head deacon was handing the guest speaker a check.  "No, no," the speaker said, "I wouldn't think of accepting payment.  I was happy to speak to you.  Please contribute my honorarium to some worthy cause."

"Thank you, responded the deacon.  We'll put it in our special fund."

"Good," said the guest speaker, and then he continued by asking, "What's the fund for?"

"Well, if you must know," replied the deacon, "It's to help us get better speakers next year."

7/9/05 By Robert E. Lee (not the Civil War General)

I feel sorry for Moses.  He spent 40-years in the wilderness, eating nothing but bread off the ground and an occasional bird, and every day a million people would come up to him and ask,
"Are we there, yet?"

7/1/05 Contributed by Tim Watson

Most Pastors live sedentary lives.  This program  of exercise was suggested at a recent pastors retreat, to build strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, it's being passed-on to non-clergy friends. The leader of the retreat suggested doing it three times a week.  Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato into each of the sacks; but be careful.

6/23/05 All the attendees were looking expectantly at the Head Deacon, as he started reading from the bylaws.  They had exceeded the time allotted for this meeting and were hopeful that he would now quickly resolve the matter before them.  "I am reading from Article XII," he began, and, after a pause, he continued: "Our bylaws specifically state that the will of God cannot be overturned without a two-thirds majority vote."
6/18/05 "What do you think was the greatest achievement of the Greeks?" asked the Professor of Religious Studies.  A student of Religious Studies raised his hand and replied: "Speaking Greek!"
6/9/05 The young pastor and his wife tucked their three-year old son into bed for the night.  Then they heard frantic sobbing from his room and, rushing back in, found him crying hysterically.  He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.  No amount of talking helped.  His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from the boy's ear.  In a flash, the young son grabbed it from his father's hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy!"


6/2/05 A stingy old man who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, he thought he knew how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased man's wife went up to the attic. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."



At the beginning of his sermon, the pastor took four jars, and while he was talking, filled each one.  The first was filled with whiskey, the second with smoke, the third with chocolate syrup, and the fourth with earth – dirt.  He then placed one earthworm into each bottle and put lids on all of them.  At the end of his message, he opened the jars and took out the earthworms.  Three of them were dead, but the one that came from the jar filled with earth was alive and wiggling around on his hand.  He asked the congregation, “Do you know what this means?”  An elderly lady called back to him, “Yes. If you drink, smoke and eat a lot of chocolate, you’ll never get worms!”

5/20/05 A man fell into a pit and couldn't get out.
  • A subjective person saw him and said, "I feel for you down there."
  • An objective person said, "It's logical that someone would fall down there."
  • A Pharisee said, "Only bad people fall into pits."
  • A mathematician calculated how he fell into the pit.
  • A news reporter wanted an exclusive story.
  • The tax collector asked him if he was paying taxes on the pit.
  • A self-pitying person said, "You haven't seen anything until you've seen MY pit!"
  • A hell-fire preacher said, "You deserve your pit."
  • A Christian Scientist said, "The pit is just in your mind."
  • A psychologist told him, "Your mother and father are to blame."
  • A self-esteem therapist said, "Believe in yourself and you can get out."
  • An optimist said, "Things could be worse."
  • A pessimist said, "Things WILL get worse.

Jesus saw the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

5/13/05 Sent by Jenni Whiteside

Who was the best male financier in the Old Testament?  ---
Answer - Noah - he floated all his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Who was the best female financier in the Old Testament? ---
Answer - Pharaoh's daughter - she went to the bank and pulled in a prophet.

What in one word best describes Boaz before getting married?
Answer - Ruthless.

5/10/05 The Sunday School teacher was responding to the answer of a little girl to the subject under discussion: He said, "No, Jennifer, the man in the tummy of the big fish was not Pinocchio!"
5/3/05 The elderly pastor at the wedding was becoming forgetful and was an ardent fisherman.  He asked the groom, "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish this woman?"
"I do," replied the groom.
"OK," continued the pastor, as he turned to the bride, "reel him in!"
4/23/05 Six-year old Jack and his four-year old sister, Vicki, were sitting together in church.  Vicki giggled, sang and talked out loud.  Finally, her big brother had had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church!"
"Why? Who's going to stop me," Vicki asked.
Jack pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers!"
4/14/05 The pastor was making a strong point that "Now is the day of salvation," and, looking hard at the congregation, continued, "Every time I take a breath, somebody dies!"
A child in the front row somewhat loudly asked her mother: "Why doesn't he brush his teeth?"
4/8/05 (Sent by Clifford the Clown)

A well-worn one dollar bill and an old twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about travels all over the USA. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," said the twenty, "where have you been in your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupted: "What's a church?"

4/1/05 The wealthy parishioner had confessed a serious problem in his life and was completing the counseling session with his pastor.  The wealthy church member said: “I’ve never been good at repentance, Pastor.  I’ll tell you what – I’ll just let you use my condo in the Bahamas during August, and God can call it even!"
3/28/05 The young pastor looked into the crib holding his little one, and asked with a smile, "So how's my bundle of sermon illustrations today?"
3/24/05 A heavy snowstorm closed the local schools. When the children returned to the Christian day school a few days later, a teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I kept on praying for more snow!"
3/17/05 Deacon Byrnes asked Pastor Johnson, "Do you believe in free speech?"
The pastor replied, "Well, Certainly I do!"
The deacon continued: "Wonderful! May I use your cell phone?"
3/12/05 A little girl is reported to have written in her church grade school class: "Syntax is all the money collected at church from sinners."
3/3/05 Everyone knew the deceased had a sense of humor, so the minister decided to quote Johnny Carson during the funeral service: "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off."
2/22/05 The two happened to be sitting next to one another in the darkened auditorium of the church.  One leaned over and whispered to the other, "That singer has a terrible voice. "Do you know who she is?"
He responded, "Yes, she is my wife."
There was a pause.  Then the first person continued, "Well, I really didn't mean her voice, it is the music she has to sing. I wonder who wrote that awful music?"
He responded: "I did."
2/12/05 The husband, who remembered his pastor's advice from a few days before, LISTENED CAREFULLY as his wife asked him, "Honey, do you know what day this is?"
He didn't remember, but didn't say anything, and hurried off to work.  On the way home, he stopped at a store and purchased a $100.00 gift for his wife.
As he walked into their house, he said, "Honey, look what I bought you in honor of this great day!"
"My goodness," his wife replied, "how wonderful.  This is the happiest Groundhog Day I can ever remember!"
2/5/05 The pastor was being introduced at the annual meeting - "Here's Pastor Williams.  He doesn't need an introduction. He sometimes needs a conclusion, but he doesn't need an introduction."
1/31/05 A lodge held their meetings in the Sunday School of the local church.  One of the lodge members called another member to tell him that tonight's meeting was cancelled.  "Why was it cancelled?" he asked.  The caller answered, "Because the wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him out tonight."
1/22/05 A member of the congregation who had gone to prison was discussing his crimes with the deacon who was visiting him.  The deacon asked: "You always did your burglaries single-handed. Why didn't you have an accomplice?"  "Well," the prisoner replied, "I was afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
1/16/05 The pastor was interviewing someone for the position of church secretary.  "Tell me about your typing," he was saying.  She replied, "I use the biblical system."  The pastor learned forward, interested, and said, "I never heard of that; tell me about it!"  Her answer: "Seek and ye shall find."
1/9/05 The music leader went into the pastor's office and was telling the pastor about the new music he had written: "This one is for the offering; if you play it backwards you can hear, 'Tithe, tithe, it feels good to tithe...'"
1/2/05 Sign on a church nursery: "THEY SHALL NOT ALL SLEEP, BUT THEY SHALL ALL BE CHANGED!"

Visit Past Humor :

Humor 2008
Humor 2007
Humor 2006
Humor 2005
Humor 2004
Humor 2003
Humor 2002
Humor 2000 - 2001

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