Humor 2004

 

12/26/04	An elderly woman was weeping as she bade goodbye to the man who had been pastor of her church for several years. "My dear lady," consoled the departing pastor, "don't get so upset. The bishop surely will send a much better pastor to replace me here." "That's what they told us the last time," wailed the woman.
12/18/04	The little girl's aunt was visiting for the holidays and they were talking about Christmas. "What are you going to give your little brother for Christmas?" she asked.  "I don't know," the little girl responded.  "Well," continued her aunt, "what did you give him for Christmas last year?"  "The whooping cough," said the little girl."
12/8/04	Moe and Joe were having a talk about church.  Moe asked, "What do you believe about God?"  Joe responded, "I believe what my church believes."  Moe then continued, "What does your church believe?"  Joe answered, "My church believes what I believe."  Moe persisted, "What do both you and your church believe?"  Joe responded, "We both believe the same thing."
12/2/04	The church Board Members were uncomfortable during the Board Meeting because of the water that had risen enough so that it was over the tops of their shoes.  The discussion at the meeting continued and now the water had reached their knees.  At that point and after much talk,  the pastor was finally able to announce, "All right, the motion to call a plumber passes, four to two."
11/21/04	Billy watched his new baby sister in the crib as she screamed and kicked.  He finally asked: "Where did she come from?"  His mother replied, "Heaven."  There was a brief pause and then Billy responded, "No wonder they let her go."
11/17/04	The church secretary, who was known as a "free spirit,"  entered the pastor's office.  He noted with startled eyes that she was wearing a dripping wet jogging suit, along with flippers and a snorkel.  Before he could speak, she asked him, "How many laps around the baptistery make a mile?"
11/8/04	The greatest hunting dog in North Carolina was named "Pastor." People from all over would engage him for the hunting season a year in advance.  His fame had spread. Then one season, the hunters showed up and the dog refused to budge. Instead of the greatest hunting dog in North Carolina, he had turned into nothing.  "What happened?" the hunters asked his owner. "Well, it's a sad story," he said. "He did so well that we changed his name from 'Pastor' to 'Senior Pastor.' Now, all he does is sit around and bark at the other dogs."
11/3/04	The little girl said to her Sunday school teacher, "We just got a new baby boy and he's at our house with my mother.  Why don't you come and see him, teacher?" "Thank you," replied the teacher, "but I think I'll wait until your mother gets better." "Oh, you don't have to worry," said the little girl, "it's not catching."
10/24/04	"Rabbi Rabinovitz," said Father Kelly.  "When are you going to become liberal enough to eat ham?" "At your wedding, Father Kelly," replied the Rabbi.
10/1/04	A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
9/18/04	While attending a new church, I noticed the pastor's full name was in the church bulletin.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class a number of years ago.  Upon listening to him speak, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After the service was over, I asked him at the door if he had attended the local high school.  "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered with the year, and then he asked, "Why?"  "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at my face closely and then he asked, "What did you teach?"
9/4/04	Sent by Clifford the Clown: Two church members were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them clearly she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut. But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut. Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson. Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
8/28/04	Sent by Clifford the Clown:   The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She told how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.   And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar.  He had them do this four times. "Now", said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"   A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
8/18/04	Men and Women: Q: Why do they say 'Amen' after a prayer instead of 'Awomen'? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers! Q: When was the longest day in the Bible? A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve! Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice.! Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn't ask for directions!
8/8/04	Sent by Clifford the Clown: A young man excitedly told his mother, the pastor's wife, that he had found the girl of his dreams and would marry her. She was to meet the girl the next day.  He thought for a moment and then said, "Ma, I'll bring OTHER girls as well, and I want you to guess which one I'm going to marry."  His mother thought for a moment and then agreed. The next day, he brought three young ladies into the parsonage and they chatted with the pastor's wife for some time, after which he asked, "All right, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry!" She answered with no hesitation: "The one on the right!"  He replied, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"  She answered, "I don't like her."
7/25/04	A boy asked his father, "Did you go to Sunday School when you were little?" "Certainly," replied his dad, "I never missed a Sunday." "See, Mother," said the boy, "It won't do me any good, either."
7/18/04	Two parishioners who had not been getting along, met at a place in the church parking lot that was too narrow for both cars.  "I never back up for an idiot," shouted the first driver."  That's OK," yelled the other as he backed up, "I always do."
7/12/04	The daughter was saying, "I can't marry him, Mother. He's an atheist and he doesn't believe there is a hell."  The mother replied, "That's all right, dear, marry him and between the two of us, I am sure we can convince him."
7/5/04	Two leaders of Christian groups were sharing with each other at a luncheon.  One of them said, "We've become a non-profit organization - We didn't mean to be, but we are."
6/28/04	Sent by Clifford the Clown: There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
6/21/04	From Char Sims: The minister and his wife were sent by the Church Board to a parishioner's studio to have a picture taken for the Directory.  As they entered the studio, they passed a sign: "The dark room is where I go to develop my negatives."
6/16/04	Submitted by Diane Bowles: A frustrated minister stood up one Sunday morning and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we undoubtedly have enough money to pay for our new building program without going into debt. The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets."
6/7/04	Submitted by Mary Thomas: Mr. & Mrs. Jones took their grandson, Johnny, to Sunday services.  An usher approached Mr. Jones during the service, patted him on the shoulder and said, "Sir, you're snoring!"  Startled, Mr. Jones shouted, "I was NOT asleep!" and stormed out of the church.  The pastor's notes fell off the lectern and he forgot what to say next.  A deacon, himself dozing, came into wakefulness at the noise and dropped the metal offering plates on the tile floor.  The organist in the choir loft was startled and knocked her music sheets over the rail, which then fluttered out over the congregation from the raised choir loft.  With no notes or music, the service was dismissed early. Mrs. Jones was berating Mr. Jones as they drove home from church.  Their young grandson, Johnny, with delight in his eyes, said, "Yeah, Grandma," but it was really a good show for a dollar!"
6/2/04	Submitted by Diane Bowles: While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of  the carriage obviously had a sense of humor because attached to the back  of the carriage was a hand printed sign ---"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.  Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
5/26/04	A pastor from the city drove his car into a ditch in a desolate country area. Fortunately, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. The farmer hitched Buddy to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"  Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Still Buddy didn't move. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The pastor was most appreciative, but also curious.  He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer replied, "Old Buddy here is blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try." (Do you suppose people are like that, too?)
5/12/04	A Sunday school teacher was asking her little children as they were on the way to the "big church" service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One bright little girl responded, "Because people are sleeping!"
5/7/04	"Do you believe in life after death?" The boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," The new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.  "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
4/27/04	In the supermarket a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming baby.  The man kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." The Pastor's wife, who was shopping nearby, said to him, "You are certainly to be commended for trying to soothe little Albert." The man replied, "Lady, I'M Albert!"
4/23/04	A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..." The twenty dollar bill interrupted: "What's a church?"
4/3/04	Contributed by Mary Thomas: A married couple who had been suffering from mid-life crisis for some time, were in prayer.  They were both 40-years old.  The wife prayed for a trip around the world, so they could have time together and instantly tickets on a cruise ship were in her hand!  The husband was surprised and quickly prayed that, yes, the cruise would happen, but he asked that he take the cruise with a younger woman.  Instantly he became a 75-year old man!
3/30/04	A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and he yelled, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and an even larger piece fell on his head. He stood up once more and screamed, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
3/23/04	Little Harold recently began his prayer this way: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His Name..."
3/12/04	Another Clifford the Clown story:  After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister. “I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”
3/6/04	Clifford the Clown quotes a minister: “If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must really love our church.”
2/29/04	After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us," the mother replied, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
2/23/04	Three pastors sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the first pastor said. "No," said the second one, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a falling telephone pole. You oughta' try it!"
2/17/04	After a church service in which the pastor had preached on spiritual gifts, he was greeted at the door by a woman who said, "Pastor, I believe I have the gift of criticism." He responded, "Do you remember the person in Jesus' parable who had the one talent?  Do you recall what he did with it?" "Yes," replied the woman, "he went out and buried it" (Matthew 25:18).  With a smile, the pastor continued, "Go and do likewise!"
2/12/04	As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."
2/2/04	A Mother decided it was time for her three sons  to get baptized. After instruction she decided to go ahead and selected a bright Sunday morning for the baptism of her three boys, ages 8, 9, and 11. The mother noticed that her nine year old seemed to be particularly lost in thought, so she asked him what was on his mind.   "Mom, I want to go first." he replied.   "Why do you want to first?" she asked her son with a smile. "Because," he began with a pause in his voice, "I really don't want to be baptized in water that has all of my brother's sins floating around in it."
1/22/04	An elderly woman walked into a large church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said.   "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.   "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said.   "Good," he answered.
1/14/04	The Sunday School marble tournament was at its height.  The pastor's son, who had been doing well, missed an easy shot and let out a swear word, which was very loud in the quiet room. Several parishioners gasped.  "Hey," yelled his father who was an avid golfer, "What do little boys who swear when they are playing marbles turn into when they grow up.?"  The boy, who was still upset at missing the shot, called back, "Golfers!"
1/9/04	The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.  Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
1/4/04	The pastor's young daughter was so proud of being his child that whenever she introduced herself, she said, "I'm Pastor Smith's daughter." Her mother called a halt to it, saying, "It isn't right and you mustn't do it!" The next day, while she was helping her mother shop in the supermarket, a lady said to her, "You're Pastor Smith's little girl, aren't you? "Well," replied the girl, "I always thought so, but Mother says I'm not."
1/1/04	A man who had faithfully attended church for decades and had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to services. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, and asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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