In the 1890's, a
94-year-old church member was taken into a home for the elderly that was
run by her church. She was failing physically and her doctor prescribed
a shot of whiskey three times a day.
To not to be lured into worldly
pleasures, she huffily declined. But the pastor's wife knew the elderly
sister loved milk, so she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three
times a day.
Eventually, she approached
her final hour. As several church members gathered around her bedside,
the pastor's wife asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied.
"Never sell that cow!"
A theologian who questioned
everything about the Bible, died, and on the way to the afterlife encountered
a sign with two options: "To Heaven" or "To a Discussion of Heaven." The
theologian went right to the discussion of heaven, and has not been seen
since that time.
The pastor went to see his
mother, who had given him two sweaters for Christmas. He was wearing
one of the sweaters. As he entered her room in the rest home,
instead of the expected smile, she asked, "What's the matter? You didn't
like the other one?"
It was Palm Sunday, and the
family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep
throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches,
the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People
held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the
boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
The Pastor's kitten climbed
up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything.
"Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over, placing a bowl of milk by
the tree and then he placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten
would not budge. So he thought for awhile and came up with an idea.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car
and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out
the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried
one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly
broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air
out of sight. He immediately went looking, and asked everyone if
they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad;, it had become
days later, he met a parishioner in a market and was surprised to see
some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats. "Why are you
buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won't believe me,
Pastor," she replied. "My daughter had been begging me for weeks to buy
her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, she nagged me yet again,
and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched
her go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat.
Really, Pastor, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own
eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..."
A recently spotted bumper
sticker: "The Ten Commandments Are Not Multiple Choice." --GOD--
A minister was being honored
at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that church.
A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was
chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner,
but he was delayed in traffic, so the minister decided to say his own
few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he
said, " that I must not talk about situations shared with me in confidence.
However I got my first impressions of this church from the first man I
met here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25-years
ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
man who entered my office told me how he had stolen a television set,
and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further,
he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an
affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on,
I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come
to a fine church full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the minister finished
his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the
first day our minister arrived at this church," said the politician. "In
fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for counseling."
Pastor Bob and Reverend Bill
continually argued about doctrine during the monthly meetings they attended.
They went on for some time, but then things began to get out of hand.
Finally Pastor Bob said, "We
must not quarrel in this way. It's not right. We are both doing God's
work, you in your way and I in His."
Charles Spurgeon told this story:
The new pastor was visiting
in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious
that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at
the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back
and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed
the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis: 3:10." Reaching
for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I
heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
The Sunday school teacher
was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false
prophets of Baal. She told how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it,
cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah
commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it
over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can
anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water
over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room
raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic
Two elderly, excited
Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening
to a fiery preacher. When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing,
the two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When he condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when he condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and
screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher
condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the
other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
A man from a very conservative
church was on the telephone: "Pastor, I know this is Sunday, but the Cubs
are in the baseball playoffs! Pastor, I'm a lifelong Cubs fan. I've got
to watch the Cubs game on TV."
The Pastor replied,
"Norman, that's what video recorders are for."
Norman was surprised:
"You mean I can tape the Sunday services? Thanks, Pastor," and he
After the service, a
lady began to apologize to the pastor – “I’m sorry that my husband fell
asleep during the sermon,” she started, but the pastor interrupted and
replied, “Don’t worry about it; I nearly fell asleep, too, but my voice
kept waking me up.”
A famous professor of
surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was disappointed
to observe a sign which said, "No Sinners Allowed!" signed by St. Peter.
He walked up to the gate and was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you
ever committed a sin; especially one you truly regret?"
"Yes," the professor answered.
"When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played
soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal
which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won
us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper.
"That is honest. You may enter."
"Thank you very much,
Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He
is on his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
After a long illness,
a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter came by
and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I
"You have to spell
a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." Saint Peter told her.
The woman correctly
spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates
of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of
Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh,
I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the
ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
Job Search Jargon:
- Join Our Fast-Paced
(We have no time to train you)
- Competitive Salary
(We are competitive because we pay less than other
- Flexible Hours
(Work 100 hours; get paid for 37.5)
- Good Communication
(The Senior Pastor communicates, you listen; you
figure it out)
- Ability to Handle
a Heavy Schedule
(You whine, you’re out of here)
- Must Have an Eye
(We have no quality control)
- Career Minded
(You should be childless and remain that way)
(The Senior Pastor & the Board won’t answer your
- Some Overtime Required
(Some time each night and some time each weekend)
- Duties will vary
(Anyone can boss you around)
- Competitive Environment
(You likely won’t be here very long)
- Some Public Relations
(If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get
us out of it)
- Requires Team Leadership
(You’ll have the responsibilities of a pastor,
without the pay or respect)
- Seeking Candidates
with a Wide Variety of Experience
(You’ll need it to replace three Associates who
- Must be Deadline
(You’re already 6-months behind on your first
- No Phone Calls Please
(The Board already selected an Associate; our
call for resumes is just a legal formality)
- Problem Solving
Skills a Must
(You’re walking into a church in perpetual chaos)
Told by Clifford the Clown
A man came into church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, dabbed some on both legs and then
threw away the crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then
ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
The Priest responded, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle! Tell me -
where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back over by the holy water!" the boy answered.
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in
town. When the children returned to school a few days later, a grade
school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away
from school constructively. "I sure did, teacher," a little girl
replied. "I prayed for more snow."
A local priest
and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made
a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's
too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them,
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the
priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge
The pastor and
his wife were arguing about who should brew the coffee each morning.
His wife said,
"You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to
wait as long to get our coffee." He said, " You are in charge of
the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee.
"No you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should
do the coffee." He replied, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched
the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top
of several pages, that it indeed says ....... "HEBREWS........"
Bob Hope said, "The
U.S. Supreme Court decreed there will be no prayer in schools. Now
students will have to study for their exams.
A minister parked his
car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time
and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield
wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he
found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled
this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job.
LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
After creating heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't
stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own.
A minister delivered
a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual
length of his messages. He explained, "I regret to inform you that
my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon
which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a
visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend,
if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
The new Chaplain was
making rounds in the mental health ward, and two patients caught his attention.
The first patient was hanging from the ceiling. The other was sitting
on the floor nearby diligently working on a model airplane. The
Chaplain walked up to the man hanging from the ceiling, but before he
could say anything to him, the other patient spoke. Without taking
his eyes from his work, he said, "Don't mind him, Chaplain, he's crazy!
He's my best friend but he doesn't have a lick of sense. He thinks he's
a light bulb! The Chaplain said, "But, would you look at him?
His face is turning purple and his eyes are bulging. If he's your friend,
don't you think you should tell him to get down from there? The patient
stopped working, looked up at the Chaplain, and said, “What; and work
in the dark?”
One Sunday, the pastor
announced that the church needed money and asked the people to prayerfully
consider giving "a little extra" in the offering plate. He said that whoever
gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering
plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had
placed $1,000 into the offering. He immediately shared his joy with the
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who gave
the money. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back
shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly
she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that
she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the
three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him
A little girl went
up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my
stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty; you have
to put something into it!"
That evening the pastor
and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding
his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked
up, gave him the sweetest smile that any little child could give, and
said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
It was a cold winter
when the Notre Dame football coach released his final breath. He went
to heaven and was greeted by St. Peter, who said, "Welcome coach, let
me show you to your place."
"Excellent," the coach
replied as he started walking up a driveway to a huge mansion on a hill.
It was a huge building that was perfect. "What a great place," said the
coach looking across the street and catching a glimpse of another mansion.
This mansion was covered with USC banners and flags.
"St. Peter, the house
is amazing, heaven is everything I could ever imagine and more. But I
have to ask, why did you put me across the street from the USC coach?"
"That isn't the USC coach's house. It's mine," replied
A minister waited in line to fill his car
with gas just before a long holiday weekend. An attendant was directing
the drivers, but there were many cars at the service station. Finally,
the attendant, who attended the minister's church, motioned him toward
a vacant pump.
the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits
until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you
mean. It's the same in my business."
A four-year old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in
There were three churches in a small town,
and each was virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, one of the churches called a board
meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be
there and those of the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
A committee in one of the others got
together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creatures. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a
few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The third church came up with the best
and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered
them as members of the church.. Now they only see them on Christmas and
Inscribed in stone over the great front
doors of an old church being restored were the words: “This is the Gate
Just below it one of the workers had placed a small cardboard sign which
read: “Use Other Entrance.”
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord,
if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having
a real good time like I am."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class
why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. “They couldn’t
get a baby-sitter,” a small child replied.
Sarah and Clara were talking about their
churches. Clara said, "My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject
for an hour." Sarah responded, "That's nothing! My pastor can talk
for an hour without a subject!"
A man was in his car at an intersection.
The light changed, but the driver in front of him was on a cell phone
and the car did not move. The driver in the second car started yelling,
banging on his steering wheel, and blowing his horn, but it was too late
- the light turned red again. The man became even more upset, and
the policeman in the car behind him got out of his car and knocked on
the man's window with the butt of his gun. The man rolled down his
window, telling the police officer, "You can't do anything to me; I can
do what I want in my own car!"
The officer responded, "Please get out of the car, sir, and get into the
back seat of my squad car." The man finally complied and was taken
to the police station. After a couple of hours, the man seemingly
had calmed down and was released.
As he passed the police officer, he said,
"See, I TOLD you I couldn't be arrested for being angry in my own car!"
The police officer responded, "Sir, I
saw the cross on your rear view mirror, and the bumper sticker which said,
'Jesus loves you,' and I naturally assumed that the car was stolen."
A minister waited in line to have his car
filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. There were many
cars ahead of him , but finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems
as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
The pastor and his wife had been struggling
in marriage because of the pressures of ministry and he wanted to please
her. When she blurted, "I wish I was six again," he suddenly KNEW
what to get her for her birthday.
When the special day came, he took her to
Disneyland and they rode on every ride possible. She got sick toward
the end, but he was undeterred and then drove her straight to Knotts Berry
Farm, where they went on more rides and she got sick again.
She got more and more angry, and he asked
her, "Why are you so angry? - Didn't you say you wanted to be six again?"
She answered, "You idiot, I was talking
about my dress size!"
A Sunday school teacher asked the children,
"Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl
replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A cattleman from West Texas died & went
on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that
the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper,
"Howdy, Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."
"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all,
Ah'm not Saint Peter and secondly, y'all really don't know where y'all
are, do yuh'?"
A group of passengers was boarding a flight
to San Francisco. A blonde lady rose from her seat in Economy Class,
moved to the First Class section, and sat down. A flight attendant
told her she paid for Economy and she would have to sit in her assigned
seat. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going
to San Francisco, and I'm staying right here." Another flight attendant
talked to her and got the same answer. The co-pilot also failed
to move her, and she again said: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going
to San Francisco, and I'm staying right here."
The flight was now delayed and the pilot
was just deciding to have the police waiting for her in San Francisco,
when a passenger from a few rows back went up to the flight attendant
and said, "I'll handle this. I'm a pastor. I'm married to
a blonde and was a blonde as a boy. I know what to tell her."
The flight attendant and the co-pilot stepped aside, and the pastor walked
over to the blonde.
He whispered in her ear, and without
question she nodded, got up, and went back to her seat in the Economy
The flight attendant and the co-pilot
were amazed and asked the pastor what he said. He responded, "I
told her First Class isn't going to San Francisco."
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home
and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable
"Madam," he said in a
broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of
a poor family in your parish. The father is dead, the mother is too ill
to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned
into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's
wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The "sympathetic" visitor applied his
handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he responded.
The pastor said to him, "You need to join
the Army of the Lord!" The man replied, "I'm already in the Army
of the Lord, pastor." The pastor questioned him, "How come I don't
see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
A boy was visiting a church for the first
time. Leaving his parents, he was checking all the announcements
and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures
of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in
The usher replied,
"Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was
that the morning service or the evening service?"
Submitted by Tim Watson
A woman went to the post office to buy stamps.
"May I have forty stamps?" she asked the clerk. "What denomination?"
he responded. She replied, "O, my goodness, has it come to this?
Give me 10 Catholic, 10 Methodist, 10 Baptist, and 10 Lutherans!"
At the head table in a religious school
cafeteria sat a big bowl of fresh juicy apples. Beside the bowl,
a teacher had placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember,
God is watching."
At the other
end of the table was a plate of freshly baked cookies, still warm from
the oven. Beside the plate, a little note scrawled in a child's
handwriting read: "Take all you want. God's watching the apples.
Friday Study Ministries
PO Box 92131
Long Beach, CA 90809-2131