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Humor 2003


12/28/03 In the 1890's, a 94-year-old church member was taken into a home for the elderly that was run by her church.  She was failing physically and her doctor prescribed a shot of whiskey three times a day.

To not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But the pastor's wife knew the elderly sister loved milk, so she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, she approached her final hour. As several church members gathered around her bedside, the pastor's wife asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

12/21/03 A theologian who questioned everything about the Bible, died, and on the way to the afterlife encountered a sign with two options: "To Heaven" or "To a Discussion of Heaven." The theologian went right to the discussion of heaven, and has not been seen since that time.
The pastor went to see his mother, who had given him two  sweaters for Christmas. He was wearing one of the sweaters.  As he entered her room in the rest home, instead of the expected smile, she asked, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
12/7/03 It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

11/28/03 The Pastor's kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything. "Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over, placing a bowl of milk by the tree and then he placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So he thought for awhile and came up with an idea.  He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.  He immediately went looking, and asked everyone if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad;, it had become good company.

Some days later, he met a parishioner in a market and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.  "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked. 

"You won't believe me, Pastor," she replied. "My daughter had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, she nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched her go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Pastor, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..."

11/19/03 A recently spotted bumper sticker:  "The Ten Commandments Are Not Multiple Choice." --GOD--
11/8/03 A minister was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that church. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the minister decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, " that I must not talk about situations shared with me in confidence.  However I got my first impressions of this church from the first man I met here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25-years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first man who entered my office told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine church full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the minister finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our minister arrived at this church," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for counseling."

11/2/03 Pastor Bob and Reverend Bill continually argued about doctrine during the monthly meetings they attended. They went on for some time, but then things began to get out of hand.

Finally Pastor Bob said, "We must not quarrel in this way. It's not right. We are both doing God's work, you in your way and I in His."

10/27/03 Charles Spurgeon told this story:

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.  At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.  He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.  Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis: 3:10."  Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."  Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

10/15/03 The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She told how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.  And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

10/13/03 Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, the two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When he condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when he condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

10/6/03 A man from a very conservative church was on the telephone: "Pastor, I know this is Sunday, but the Cubs are in the baseball playoffs! Pastor, I'm a lifelong Cubs fan. I've got to watch the Cubs game on TV."

The Pastor replied, "Norman, that's what video recorders are for."

Norman was surprised: "You mean I can tape the Sunday services?  Thanks, Pastor," and he hung up.

9/30/03 After the service, a lady began to apologize to the pastor – “I’m sorry that my husband fell asleep during the sermon,” she started, but the pastor interrupted and replied, “Don’t worry about it; I nearly fell asleep, too, but my voice kept waking me up.”
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was disappointed to observe a sign which said, "No Sinners Allowed!" signed by St. Peter.  He walked up to the gate and was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin; especially one  you truly regret?"

"Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."

"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is honest. You may enter."

"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.

"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is on his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter came by and the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love." Saint Peter told her.

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter asked the woman to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.



Associate Pastor Job Search Jargon:

  • Join Our Fast-Paced Church
    (We have no time to train you)
  • Competitive Salary
    (We are competitive because we pay less than other churches)
  • Flexible Hours
    (Work 100 hours; get paid for 37.5)
  • Good Communication Skills
    (The Senior Pastor communicates, you listen; you figure it out)
  • Ability to Handle a Heavy Schedule
    (You whine, you’re out of here)
  • Must Have an Eye for Detail
    (We have no quality control)
  • Career Minded
    (You should be childless and remain that way)
  • Self-Motivated
    (The Senior Pastor & the Board won’t answer your questions)
  • Some Overtime Required
    (Some time each night and some time each weekend)
  • Duties will vary
    (Anyone can boss you around)
  • Competitive Environment
    (You likely won’t be here very long)
  • Some Public Relations Required
    (If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it)
  • Requires Team Leadership Skills
    (You’ll have the responsibilities of a pastor, without the pay or respect)
  • Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience
    (You’ll need it to replace three Associates who just left)
  • Must be Deadline Oriented
    (You’re already 6-months behind on your first day)
  • No Phone Calls Please
    (The Board already selected an Associate; our call for resumes is just a legal formality)
  • Problem Solving Skills a Must
    (You’re walking into a church in perpetual chaos)
8/28/03 Told by Clifford the Clown

A man came into church on crutches.  He stopped in front of the holy water, dabbed some on both legs and then threw away the crutches.  An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
The Priest responded, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle! Tell me - where is this man now?"
"Flat on his back over by the holy water!" the boy answered.

8/21/03 A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in town.  When the children returned to school a few days later, a grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.  "I sure did, teacher," a little girl replied.  "I prayed for more snow."


8/15/03 A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
8/9/03 The pastor and his wife were arguing about who should brew the coffee each morning.

His wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."  He said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

She replied, "No you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." He replied, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the  top of several pages, that it indeed says ....... "HEBREWS........"

Humor 8/3/03 Bob Hope said, "The U.S. Supreme Court decreed there will be no prayer in schools.  Now students will have to study for their exams.
Humor 7/26/03 A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

Humor 7/20/03 After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Humor 7/13/03 A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his messages.  He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."

Humor 7/7/03 The new Chaplain was making rounds in the mental health ward, and two patients caught his attention.  The first patient was hanging from the ceiling.  The other was sitting on the floor nearby diligently working on a model airplane.  The Chaplain walked up to the man hanging from the ceiling, but before he could say anything to him, the other patient spoke.  Without taking his eyes from his work, he said, "Don't mind him, Chaplain, he's crazy! He's my best friend but he doesn't have a lick of sense. He thinks he's a light bulb!  The Chaplain said, "But, would you look at him?  His face is turning purple and his eyes are bulging. If he's your friend, don't you think you should tell him to get down from there? The patient stopped working, looked up at the Chaplain, and said, “What; and work in the dark?”
Humor 6/28/03 One Sunday, the pastor announced that the church needed money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving "a little extra" in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed $1,000 into the offering. He immediately shared his joy with the congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who gave the money. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
Humor 5/30/03

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty; you have to put something into it!" 

That evening the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"

The little girl looked up, gave him the sweetest smile that any little child could give, and said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"

Humor 5/23/03

It was a cold winter when the Notre Dame football coach released his final breath. He went to heaven and was greeted by St. Peter, who said, "Welcome coach, let me show you to your place."

"Excellent," the coach replied as he started walking up a driveway to a huge mansion on a hill. It was a huge building that was perfect. "What a great place," said the coach looking across the street and catching a glimpse of another mansion. This mansion was covered with USC banners and flags.

"St. Peter, the house is amazing, heaven is everything I could ever imagine and more. But I have to ask, why did you put me across the street from the USC coach?"

"That isn't the USC coach's house. It's mine," replied St. Peter.

Humor 5/15/03 A minister waited in line to fill his car with gas just before a long holiday weekend. An attendant was directing the drivers, but there were many cars at the service station. Finally, the attendant, who attended the minister's church, motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Humor 5/8/03

A four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

Humor 4/19/03 There were three churches in a small town, and each was virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, one of the churches called a board meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and those of the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

A committee in one of the others got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

The third church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.. Now they only see them on Christmas and at Easter.

Humor 4/16/03 Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored were the words: “This is the Gate of Heaven.”
Just below it one of the workers had placed a small cardboard sign which read: “Use Other Entrance.”
Humor 4/9/03 A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.  I'm having a real good time like I am."
Humor 4/2/03 A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter,” a small child replied.
Humor 3/27/03 Sarah and Clara were talking about their churches.  Clara said, "My pastor is so good he can talk on any subject for an hour."  Sarah responded, "That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject!"
Humor 3/17/03 A man was in his car at an intersection.  The light changed, but the driver in front of him was on a cell phone and the car did not move.  The driver in the second car started yelling, banging on his steering wheel, and blowing his horn, but it was too late - the light turned red again.  The man became even more upset, and the policeman in the car behind him got out of his car and knocked on the man's window with the butt of his gun.  The man rolled down his window, telling the police officer, "You can't do anything to me; I can do what I want in my own car!"

The officer responded, "Please get out of the car, sir, and get into the back seat of my squad car."  The man finally complied and was taken to the police station.  After a couple of hours, the man seemingly had calmed down and was released. 

As he passed the police officer, he said, "See, I TOLD you I couldn't be arrested for being angry in my own car!"

The police officer responded, "Sir, I saw the cross on your rear view mirror, and the bumper sticker which said, 'Jesus loves you,' and I naturally assumed that the car was stolen."

Humor 3/5/03 A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday  weekend. There were many cars ahead of him , but finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business."
Humor 2/28/03 The pastor and his wife had been struggling in marriage because of the pressures of ministry and he wanted to please her.  When she blurted, "I wish I was six again," he suddenly KNEW what to get her for her birthday.

When the special day came, he took her to Disneyland and they rode on every ride possible.  She got sick toward the end, but he was undeterred and then drove her straight to Knotts Berry Farm, where they went on more rides and she got sick again. 

She got more and more angry, and he asked her, "Why are you so angry? - Didn't you say you wanted to be six again?"

She answered, "You idiot, I was talking about my dress size!"

Humor 2/23/03 A Sunday school teacher asked the children, "Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"  One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Humor 2/12/03 A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy, Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, Ah'm not Saint Peter and secondly, y'all really don't know where y'all are, do yuh'?"

Humor 2/10/03 A group of passengers was boarding a flight to San Francisco.  A blonde lady rose from her seat in Economy Class, moved to the First Class section, and sat down.  A flight attendant told her she paid for Economy and she would have to sit in her assigned seat.  The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to San Francisco, and I'm staying right here."  Another flight attendant talked to her and got the same answer.  The co-pilot also failed to move her, and she again said: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to San Francisco, and I'm staying right here."

The flight was now delayed and the pilot was just deciding to have the police waiting for her in San Francisco, when a passenger from a few rows back went up to the flight attendant and said, "I'll handle this.  I'm a pastor.  I'm married to a blonde and was a blonde as a boy.  I know what to tell her."  The flight attendant and the co-pilot stepped aside, and the pastor walked over to the blonde.

He whispered in her ear, and without question she nodded, got up, and went back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot were amazed and asked the pastor what he said.  He responded, "I told her First Class isn't going to San Francisco."

Humor 2/4/03 A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in your parish. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The "sympathetic" visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he responded.

Humor 1/28/03 The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"  The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, pastor."  The pastor questioned him, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Humor 1/20/03 A boy was visiting a church for the first time.  Leaving his parents, he was checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.  When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"

Humor 1/10/03 Submitted by Tim Watson

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps.  "May I have forty stamps?" she asked the clerk.  "What denomination?" he responded.  She replied, "O, my goodness, has it come to this?  Give me 10 Catholic, 10 Methodist, 10 Baptist, and 10  Lutherans!"

Humor 1/6/03 At the head table in a religious school cafeteria sat a big bowl of fresh juicy apples.  Beside the bowl, a teacher had placed a note which read, "Take only one.  Remember, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a plate of freshly baked cookies, still warm from the oven.  Beside the plate, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting read:  "Take all you want.  God's watching the apples.

Visit Past Humor :

Humor 2008
Humor 2007
Humor 2006
Humor 2005
Humor 2004
Humor 2003
Humor 2002
Humor 2000 - 2001

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