Humor 2002

 

Humor 12/22/02	The pastor felt something was wrong and went back to his dentist. Examining him, the dentist commented, "The plate I put in for you six months ago is very corroded. What have you been eating?" The pastor replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife cooked some asparagus and put on it some delicious 'Hollandaise' sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, you name it." "Well," says the dentist, "that's the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your plate. We'll make you another one, but this time we'll use chrome." Why chrome?" asked the pastor. The dentist replied, "It's simple. Everyone knows 'there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise'!"
Humor 12/14/02	The Pastor's Child I made myself a snowball, As perfect as could be, I thought I'd keep it as a pet, And let it sleep with me. I made it some pajamas, And a pillow for its head, Then last night it ran away, But first - it wet the bed.
Humor 12/11/02	Nancy was almost four years old, and her parents and siblings all tried to prepare her for Christmas by talking to her about the real meaning of Christmas and why the family celebrated it.  Nancy had a wonderful Christmas with lots of presents and toys. A few days later, Nancy was talking with her older sister about her "great Christmas" and she said: "I sure hope Joseph and Mary have another baby."
Humor 12/3/02	The pastor was continuing his expository study in Scripture.  He nervously looked at the verse in front of him, and glanced out at the congregation.  He said,  "Now, verse 33 is one of the most difficult and controversial passages in the whole Bible; so let's go on to verse 34..."
Humor 11/25/02	"Moms are Great" - Sent by Clifford the Clown   MOM TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!" MOM TAUGHT ME RELIGION "You better pray that will come out of the carpet!" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!" MOM TAUGHT ME LOGIC "Because I said so, that's why!" MOM TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident." MOM TAUGHT ME IRONY "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" MOM TAUGHT ME TO BE A CONTORTIONIST "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER "It looks like a tornado went through your room!" MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY - "If I told you once, I've told you a million times--don't exaggerate!" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like your father!" MOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" And most of all..... MOM TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"
Humor 11/22/02	Sent by Clifford the Clown The Police officer pulled over a speeding car and said to the driver, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver, who was a deacon in a liberal church, said, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65. Perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her needlepoint, his wife, the deaconess, said sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer made out the ticket, the driver looked over at his wife and growled, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiled demurely and said "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did". As the officer made out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowered at his wife and said through clenched teeth, "Woman, shut your mouth! NOW!" The officer frowned and said, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver said, "Yes, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." The wife said, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on; you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette." As the officer made out the third ticket, the deacon turned to his wife and barked, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP!!" The officer looked over to the woman and asked, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer; only when he's been drinking..."
Humor 11/12/02	Sent by Don Araiza A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother (the pastor's wife), "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."  Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Skip started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE, MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful. He's a fine Christian boy.  WHAT 4 letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4 letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama, words like: "dust," "wash," "iron," "cook"..." "I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother.
Humor 10/27/02	Told by Pastor Mark Carlson: A man who was having a lot of problems, cried out over and over, "Why me?"  Finally God answered:  "I don't know; there's something about you that I just don't like!"
Humor 10/18/02	Deaconness Sharon wanted to prepare her Will and make her final requests.  She went to the attorney her pastor recommended and said she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered in Macy's Department Store. "Why Macy's?" asked the attorney.  "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week", she replied.
Humor 10/11/02	Submitted by Randy Stahl: An old preacher who was dying, sent a message for his banker and his lawyer (both church members), to come to his home.  When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.  As they entered his room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and the lawyer were flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were, however, puzzled. because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"  The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
Humor 10/5/02	Pastor Barnes and his wife, the church secretary, were in his office discussing the recent purchase of new hymnals. The phone rang down the hall in her office. She excused herself and left to answer the phone. The man on the other end said, "I'd like to speak to the Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Barnes, thinking the man had not heard the manner in which she answered the phone, said, "Sir, this is a Church." The gentleman answered, "Yes, I know and I'd like to speak to the Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Barnes asked, "You're not referring to our Pastor, are you?" The man answered, "Yes, The Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Barnes, trying hard to keep the irritation out of her voice answered, "Sir, our Pastor is my husband and he’s a very fine man who has devoted his life to God and this church. He's very well respected in the community and everyone loves him. Yet you call here showing no regard for him or his profession. There's no way I could let you speak to the Pastor, calling him the Head Hog in the Trough! No way!" The man said, "Okay, I just had a $10,000 check I wanted to donate to the Church Building Fund." Mrs. Barnes answered, "Sir, hold on, the Big Pig just walked in!"
Humor 9/27/02	Maude had a window seat on a big "747" jetliner that had just taken off for Rome. She had scrimped for years to visit Europe. But it was her first flight and she was terrified! "O Lord, what am I doing up, here?" she kept repeating. She finally opened her eyes and peeped out the window just in time to see one of the plane's four engines break loose from the wing and fall into the clouds below. Maude shouted: "We're going to die! We're going to die". The chief stewardess immediately went to the pilot, then announced that everything was under control. "The captain assures you", she said, "that he can fly the airplane back to New York and land safely on three motors." But  Maude continued to cry out, "We're going to die! We're going to die!" The stewardess went to her and said, "Don't worry, my dear, God is with us. We have only three motors but, look, we there are four bishops in the row behind you." To which Maude replied, "I'd rather have four motors and three bishops."
Humor 9/20/02	Apparently, there is now a "Dial-A-Prayer" telephone number for atheists.  You can dial the number and it will ring and ring - but nobody answers.
Humor 9/13/02	Told years ago by Red Skelton: There was a large flood in the Midwest U.S., and a man was standing in front of his porch, with water up to his knees.  Rescuers came by in a rowboat and invited him into the boat, but he calmly replied, "No thanks, the Lord will take care of me."  Not long after, he was on his porch and the water was up to his waist.  A motorboat came by and they told him to "Jump into the boat."  He again calmly responded, "No thanks, the Lord will take care of me."  Soon, he was on the roof and the water was up to his neck.  Rescuers in a helicopter tossed down a line to him and shouted, "Climb up!"  He again declined, saying, "The Lord will help me," but then he drowned.  In heaven, he asked the Lord, "Why didn't You help me?"  The Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter to you, but you didn't take My help."
Humor 9/6/02	The pastor of a small church needed extra income and saw a "Help Wanted" sign in a window.  He inquired and learned the company wanted an entertainer. He applied, interviewed, was hired, and started immediately. His excitement faded when he learned the job was to dress in a monkey costume and swing from a tree limb. But his church offered little pay and he would do it. He donned the monkey suit, climbed the tree, crawled out unto the limb and began to swing. He looked down and was shocked to see he was directly over a lion's cage. He watched in total fear as a lion walked around below him. He began to swing faster and harder which caused the limb to start cracking. He began screaming, "Oh, Lord, I don't want to get eaten by this lion! I’m just a young pastor!  Please save me! Lord, I know I'm nothing like Daniel who was thrown into the lion's den, but please save me! Help Me! Somebody help me!" As the limb continued to crack, the man screamed louder and louder. Finally, the lion looked up at the man and said in the voice of the pastor down the street, "Stop all that shouting before we both lose our jobs!"
Humor 8/24/02	Sent by Virginia Roberts: The cruise ship sunk and after days of clinging to a piece of floating jetsam, they managed to swim to a small rocky island.  One of the men was very calm, while the other kept crying, "We're going to die!!"  The first one said, "I keep telling you, I make $250,000 a week - we're going to be OK."  The frightened man shook his head and went off to explore the island.  He came back in two hours and said, "There's no food or water here; we're going to die!"  The other man talked again about his $250,000 a week.  The response was, "What GOOD is your money here?"  The calm man answered, "I'll tell you one more time, I make $250,000 a week; I tithe to my church; my PASTOR will FIND us!"
Humor 8/14/02	Three passengers boarded a small airplane - a pastor, a boy scout, and a senator. The flight was going along smoothly when all of a sudden the pilot ran to the back and said, "I've got bad news; this plane is going down. There's nothing I can do. And worse is there are only three parachutes on this plane." He said, "I've got a wife and four children, my family needs me"; and he grabbed a parachute and jumped. The senator pushed pass the pastor and little boy and said, "I am the smartest senator in the world; I'm going places, this country needs me"; and he grabbed one and jumped. The Minister looked at the little boy and said, "Son, I dedicated my life to Christ many many years ago and through Him, I've lived a good life; your life is just beginning. You go ahead, take that last parachute and jump." The little boy looked up at the pastor and said, "Pastor, that's not the last parachute. the smartest senator in the world just jumped with my knapsack."
Humor 8/7/02	Told by Pastor Charley: The pastor gave a stirring, detailed sermon about Adam and Eve, and afterwards the whole congregation went across the street to the annual Church Picnic in the Park.  The highlight of the picnic was the soccer game for elementary school children, which everybody enjoyed.  After the game, young Johnny, who had listened carefully to the pastor and then ran for all he was worth in the game, staggered up to his mother, held his side and gasped, “I think I’m going to have a wife!”
Humor 8/5/02	Submitted by Don Araiza: "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all  my  money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"  I asked the children  in my Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,  and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"  I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA' BE DEAD!"
Humor 7/31/02	The great preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon, had a wonderful comment that was aimed at ministers but it has application to all of us who might at some point think we are “something” – “Some ministers” he said, “would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well.
Humor 7/26/02	Told by Pastor Larry Walkemeyer It was the big test at the end of the semester, and the theology student took a coin out of his pocket, flipping it as he answered each question.  Looking around, he smiled at the others who were still struggling to get through the test.  But then he looked down at his paper, got out his coin and started flipping it once more, changing several of his answers.  Later, the instructor, who had seen all this, asked him why he started flipping the coin again.  He replied, "I thought I should recheck my answers."
Humor 7/5/02	Submitted by Clifford the Clown: An opportunity for prayer The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take photos of a forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the North side of the fire," yelled the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" answered the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot asked, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
Humor 6/7/02	Submitted by Clifford the Clown: Jean Paul, who was from Louisiana and had been a deacon, was well known in his home church as a creative fundraiser. He moved to Texas and went to a new church. This new pastor mentioned certain financial needs they had, and John Paul, wanting to help, bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died." Jean Paul said, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The farmer replied, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already." The Cajun deacon named Jean Paul decided he could deal with this and said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." "What ya gonna do with 'em?" asked the farmer. "The church needs money, I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya' cain't raffle off a dead donkey!" snorted the farmer. "Sure I can", Jean Paul responded, "Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun at a church service and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?" "I raffled him off on behalf of the church. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't no one complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
Humor 5/31/02	Submitted by Clifford the Clown A postal worker had the job of processing all mail with illegible addresses. One day a letter came to him, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83- year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow, thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieves at the post office."
Humor 5/22/02	St. Peter questioned three married couples to see if they could enter heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asked one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been a glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."
Humor 5/15/02	Submitted by Clifford the Clown The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After doing this several times, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Humor 5/10/02	Two pastors in a small community were very competitive with one another. It got so bad that the mayor brought them into his office and discussed it with them. He suggested the two of them “do things together” and maybe that would help. It was worth a try they thought, and decided to go sky diving. They jumped from the airplane and all went well for the first pastor; his chute opened perfectly. The second pulled the cord and nothing happened – he kept falling straight down. He passed the first pastor, who got angry, unbuckled his harness, jumped out of it and shouted, “So you wanna’ race, huh?”
Humor 5/1/02	Submitted by Mary Thomas: During counseling, the pastor told the husband to be more assertive. "You're henpecked", the pastor insisted. The husband thought about it, went home, slammed the door, demanded his dinner, told his wife he was going to take a shower, and shouted, "I'm going out with the boys!" As he was rushing up the stairs, he turned and asked, "Do you know who's going to shampoo my hair and bring me a towel?" She paused for a moment and replied softly, "The undertaker?"
Humor 4/27/02	Submitted by Don Haynes: A young minister in the second week of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Actually, the widow laughed with relief when she related his passing to the minister and as she told him about the character of her husband. Standing before the open casket and attempting to console the widow (no one else attended the funeral), he said, "I know this must be difficult, Mrs. Vernon. But based on your statements about the deceased, we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell... the nut has gone elsewhere."
Humor 4/17/02	The substitute preacher introduced himself and tried to describe what a substitute preacher is. He said, "If somebody broke this stained glass window (and he gestured to his left), a substitute window might be temporarily placed there, which might be cardboard or plastic," and he went on with this idea for nearly half the sermon for that morning. As the people were leaving the service, a parishioner came up to him and said, "Preacher, you're no substitute, you're a real pane!"
Humor 4/13/02	The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in). In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.  Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.  The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.  Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.  Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.  David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.  When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.  Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.  St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.  Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taxi man. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Humor 4/5/02	The young minister of a liberal denomination and his Bishop boarded a train headed through the mountains. They found no place to sit except for two seats right across from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it was obvious that the young woman and the young minister were interested in each other, because they were giving each other subtle "looks." Soon the train passed into a tunnel and it became pitch black. There was the distinct sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word. None of the four looked at one another. The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash of that young man to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him." The Bishop was thinking: "I didn't know he was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman thought: "I'm glad the young man kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young minister sat there with a smile inside. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a young minister have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Bishop all at the same time!!!!!
Humor 3/21/02	The pastor's wife, who had been urging her little son to "tell me when something happens," heard little Zachary's voice calling from the bathroom. "Mommy, my toothbrush fell into the toilet." She smiled, went to him, fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and threw it into the trash. As she was unwrapping a new one for him, he climbed up on the stool, got her toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet, and threw it into the trash. She asked, "Zachary, why did you do that to my toothbrush?" He replied, "I dropped it into the toilet a few days ago, and now I know what to do with it."
Humor 3/19/02	A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Humor 3/15/02	A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage firsthand. A year later, the young man returned home, saying, "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was a wonderful and enlightening experience, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the old man, "what have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is strange that you should come to me," said his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian." So, in the traditions of the Patriarchs, they went to see the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned as a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. So, they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the ceiling and then the clouds above opened and a mighty voice boomed out: "Amazing that you should come to Me with this problem. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....
Humor 3/8/02	Submitted by Jim Limpp:  It’s hard to try to imagine a life lived for God that is based on dishonesty, but an amazing number of people try to pull it off.
Humor 3/1/02	A pastor was driving along a country road. He swerved but it was too late, and he accidentally hit a small white rabbit with his car. He stopped, got out and looked but the rabbit was dead. He was a tender man and began to cry. Just then, another car, driven by a lady who was one of his parishioners, drove up. She saw his tears, stopped her car, and stepped out. She reached into her purse, pulled out a spray can and sprayed the rabbit. The little creature blinked, stood up, waved his little paw twice, and hopped away, stopping every so often to wave back at the pastor and the lady. The bunny got to the edge of the forest, stopped and waved its little paw once more, before disappearing into the trees. Stunned, the pastor asked, “What’s in that spray can?” She pointed at the can and showed him the label. Sure enough, it said, “Hare Spray… Gives life to damaged hare and adds permanent wave.”
Humor 2/20/02	Chuck Swindoll spoke of an old Presbyterian preacher, who prayed, "Lord, let something happen that is not in the bulletin."
Humor 2/10/02	We've received a communication from a reader who has stated, "sometimes we just need a little boost to get us started," and they refer us to a song we fortunately have not heard (please don't send us the words), entitled "Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Heaven."
Humor 2/5/02	The Sunday School teacher had been told by Bobby's parents that he sometimes didn't tell the truth, and so, when she inquired of the class, "What is a lie?" she asked Bobby to give the answer. He looked at her and replied, "A lie is an abomination to the Lord; a very present help in time of trouble."
Humor 1/25/02	From Pastor Roger Richer: The pastor thought had given them excellent advice and the counseling sessions, he felt, were now complete. He didn't think the man was quite as boastful as before, and the wife seemed to be getting control of her temper. But the husband, at that point, was animatedly telling the pastor and his wife just how much he had learned! He stopped to take a breath near the end of the session and his wife said, "Now that we’ve learned to communicate, shut up!"
Humor 1/19/02	Told by Pastor Dave Rader: An older priest went to the younger priest who had been making all the changes within the local parish. The older man said, "I have been patient with all the changes you have made. I did not argue with you when you put in bucket seats for the first two rows, and yes, they have been filled with young people. I did not object when you brought in a rock and roll band, and yes, those concerts have been attended by many young people. But the drive-through confessional has been too much, and the sign over it which says, "Toot and Tell or Go To Hell", just has to go!
Humor 1/13/02	Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. On his arrival, he opened his laptop and sent an email back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter in the address and the email ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the email and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by onlookers, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here! Love. Your husband"
Humor 1/9/02	After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Humor 1/4/02	Submitted by Don Haynes: A young preacher was contacted by a funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery, for someone with no family or friends. The preacher had not been to this particular cemetery before and started out early, but he made several unexpected turns and quickly got lost. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and two workmen were eating lunch near a grave-sized hole in the ground. The pastor (who had not yet learned to ask when he did not know), went to the opening in the ground and found a lid was already in place. He took out his book he read the service. Returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen ask the other: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

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