The pastor felt something was wrong and
went back to his dentist.
Examining him, the dentist commented,
"The plate I put in for you six months ago is very corroded.
What have you been eating?"
The pastor replied, "All I can think
of is that about four months ago my wife cooked some asparagus
and put on it some delicious 'Hollandaise' sauce. I loved it
so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables,
you name it."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's the
problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice,
which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your plate. We'll
make you another one, but this time we'll use chrome."
Why chrome?" asked the pastor.
The dentist replied, "It's simple. Everyone
knows 'there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise'!"
The Pastor's Child
I made myself a snowball,
As perfect as could be,
I thought I'd keep it as a pet,
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
And a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away,
But first - it wet the bed.
Nancy was almost four years old,
and her parents and siblings all tried to prepare her for Christmas
by talking to her about the real meaning of Christmas and why
the family celebrated it. Nancy had a wonderful Christmas
with lots of presents and toys. A few days later, Nancy was
talking with her older sister about her "great Christmas" and
she said: "I sure hope Joseph and Mary have another baby."
The pastor was continuing his
expository study in Scripture. He nervously looked at
the verse in front of him, and glanced out at the congregation.
He said, "Now, verse 33 is one of the most difficult and
controversial passages in the whole Bible; so let's go on to
"Moms are Great" - Sent by
Clifford the Clown
TAUGHT ME TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're
going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished
TAUGHT ME RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"
TAUGHT ME ABOUT TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week!"
TAUGHT ME LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why!"
TAUGHT ME FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear
in case you're in an accident."
TAUGHT ME IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about!"
TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS - "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper!"
TAUGHT ME TO BE A CONTORTIONIST
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck?"
TAUGHT ME ABOUT STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone!"
TAUGHT ME ABOUT WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado went through your room!"
TAUGHT ME HOW TO SOLVE PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen
TAUGHT ME ABOUT HYPOCRISY - "If I told you once,
I've told you a million times--don't exaggerate!"
TAUGHT ME ABOUT BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
TAUGHT ME ABOUT ENVY - "There are millions of less
fortunate kids in this world who don't have wonderful parents
like you do!"
And most of all.....
MOM TAUGHT ME THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"
Sent by Clifford the Clown
The Police officer pulled over a speeding car
and said to the driver, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
who was a deacon in a liberal church, said, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65. Perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her needlepoint, his wife,
the deaconess, said sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise
As the officer made out the ticket, the driver looked over at his wife and growled, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiled demurely and said "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".
As the officer made out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector,
the man glowered at his wife and said through clenched teeth, "Woman, shut your mouth! NOW!"
The officer frowned and said, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt,
sir, that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver said, "Yes, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to
get my license out of my back pocket."
"Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette."
As the officer made out the third ticket, the deacon turned to his wife and barked, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP!!"
officer looked over to the woman and asked, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
only when he's been drinking..."
Sent by Don Araiza
A young couple got married and
left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately
called her mother.
"Well," said her mother (the
pastor's wife), "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the
honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she
burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Skip started
using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4 letter words! You've got to come get
me and take me home. PLEASE, MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said,
"calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful. He's a fine Christian
boy. WHAT 4 letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you,
Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just
too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell
me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4
Still sobbing, the bride said,
"Oh, Mama, words like: "dust," "wash," "iron," "cook"...
"I'll pick you up in ten minutes,"
said the mother.
Told by Pastor Mark Carlson:
A man who was having a lot of
problems, cried out over and over, "Why me?"
Finally God answered: "I don't know; there's something
about you that I just don't like!"
Deaconness Sharon wanted to
prepare her Will and make her final requests. She went
to the attorney her pastor recommended and said she had two
final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered in Macy's Department
Store. "Why Macy's?" asked the attorney. "Then I'll be
sure my daughters visit me twice a week", she replied.
Submitted by Randy Stahl:
An old preacher who was dying,
sent a message for his banker and his lawyer (both church members),
to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered
up to his bedroom. As they entered his room, the preacher
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side
of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed, smiled
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and the lawyer were flattered that the old preacher
would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They
were, however, puzzled. because the preacher had never given
any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two
of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength,
then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's
how I want to go, too."
Pastor Barnes and his wife,
the church secretary, were in his office discussing the recent
purchase of new hymnals. The phone rang down the hall in her
office. She excused herself and left to answer the phone. The
man on the other end said, "I'd like to speak to the Head Hog
in the Trough." Mrs. Barnes, thinking the man had not heard
the manner in which she answered the phone, said, "Sir, this
is a Church." The gentleman answered, "Yes, I know and I'd like
to speak to the Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Barnes asked,
"You're not referring to our Pastor, are you?" The man answered,
"Yes, The Head Hog in the Trough." Mrs. Barnes, trying hard
to keep the irritation out of her voice answered, "Sir, our
Pastor is my husband and he’s a very fine man who has devoted
his life to God and this church. He's very well respected in
the community and everyone loves him. Yet you call here showing
no regard for him or his profession. There's no way I could
let you speak to the Pastor, calling him the Head Hog in the
Trough! No way!" The man said, "Okay, I just had a $10,000 check
I wanted to donate to the Church Building Fund." Mrs. Barnes
answered, "Sir, hold on, the Big Pig just walked in!"
had a window seat on a big "747" jetliner that had just taken
off for Rome. She
had scrimped for years to visit Europe. But it was her first
flight and she was terrified! "O Lord, what am I doing up, here?"
she kept repeating. She finally opened her eyes and peeped out
the window just in time to see one of the plane's four engines
break loose from the wing and fall into the clouds below. Maude
shouted: "We're going to die! We're going to die". The chief
stewardess immediately went to the pilot, then announced that
everything was under control. "The captain assures you", she
said, "that he can fly the airplane back to New York and land
safely on three motors." But Maude continued to cry out,
"We're going to die! We're going to die!" The stewardess went
to her and said, "Don't worry, my dear, God is with us. We have
only three motors but, look, we there are four bishops in the
row behind you." To which Maude replied, "I'd rather have four
motors and three bishops."
Apparently, there is now a "Dial-A-Prayer"
telephone number for atheists. You can dial the number
and it will ring and ring - but nobody answers.
Told years ago by Red Skelton:
There was a large flood in
the Midwest U.S., and a man was standing in front of his porch,
with water up to his knees. Rescuers came by in a rowboat
and invited him into the boat, but he calmly replied, "No thanks,
the Lord will take care of me." Not long after, he was
on his porch and the water was up to his waist. A motorboat
came by and they told him to "Jump into the boat." He
again calmly responded, "No thanks, the Lord will take care
of me." Soon, he was on the roof and the water was up
to his neck. Rescuers in a helicopter tossed down a line
to him and shouted, "Climb up!" He again declined, saying,
"The Lord will help me," but then he drowned. In heaven,
he asked the Lord, "Why didn't You help me?" The Lord
answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter to you, but you
didn't take My help."
The pastor of a small church
needed extra income and saw a "Help Wanted" sign in a window.
He inquired and learned the company wanted an entertainer. He
applied, interviewed, was hired, and started immediately. His
excitement faded when he learned the job was to dress in a monkey
costume and swing from a tree limb. But his church offered little
pay and he would do it. He donned the monkey suit, climbed the
tree, crawled out unto the limb and began to swing. He looked
down and was shocked to see he was directly over a lion's cage.
He watched in total fear as a lion walked around below him.
He began to swing faster and harder which caused the limb to
start cracking. He began screaming, "Oh, Lord, I don't want
to get eaten by this lion! I’m just a young pastor! Please
save me! Lord, I know I'm nothing like Daniel who was thrown
into the lion's den, but please save me! Help Me! Somebody help
me!" As the limb continued to crack, the man screamed louder
and louder. Finally, the lion looked up at the man and said
in the voice of the pastor down the street, "Stop all that shouting
before we both lose our jobs!"
Sent by Virginia Roberts:
The cruise ship sunk and after
days of clinging to a piece of floating jetsam, they managed
to swim to a small rocky island. One of the men was very
calm, while the other kept crying, "We're going to die!!"
The first one said, "I keep telling you, I make $250,000 a week
- we're going to be OK." The frightened man shook his
head and went off to explore the island. He came back
in two hours and said, "There's no food or water here; we're
going to die!" The other man talked again about his $250,000
a week. The response was, "What GOOD is your money here?"
The calm man answered, "I'll tell you one more time, I make
$250,000 a week; I tithe to my church; my PASTOR will FIND us!"
Three passengers boarded a small
airplane - a pastor, a boy scout, and a senator. The flight
was going along smoothly when all of a sudden the pilot ran
to the back and said, "I've got bad news; this plane is going
down. There's nothing I can do. And worse is there are only
three parachutes on this plane." He said, "I've got a wife and
four children, my family needs me"; and he grabbed a parachute
and jumped. The senator pushed pass the pastor and little boy
and said, "I am the smartest senator in the world; I'm going
places, this country needs me"; and he grabbed one and jumped.
The Minister looked at the little boy and said, "Son, I dedicated
my life to Christ many many years ago and through Him, I've
lived a good life; your life is just beginning. You go ahead,
take that last parachute and jump." The little boy looked up
at the pastor and said, "Pastor, that's not the last parachute.
the smartest senator in the world just jumped with my knapsack."
gave a stirring, detailed sermon about Adam and Eve, and afterwards
the whole congregation went across the street to the annual
Church Picnic in the Park. The highlight of the picnic
was the soccer game for elementary school children, which everybody
After the game, young Johnny, who had listened carefully to
the pastor and then ran for all he was worth in the game, staggered
up to his mother, held his side and gasped, “I think I’m going
to have a wife!”
Submitted by Don Araiza:
"If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children
in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every
day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would
that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind
to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved
my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, I continued, "then how
can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted
out, "YOU GOTTA' BE DEAD!"
preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon, had a wonderful comment that
was aimed at ministers but it has application to all of us who
might at some point think we are “something” – “Some ministers”
he said, “would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would
Told by Pastor Larry Walkemeyer
It was the big test at the end
of the semester, and the theology student took a coin out of
his pocket, flipping it as he answered each question.
Looking around, he smiled at the others who were still struggling
to get through the test. But then he looked down at his
paper, got out his coin and started flipping it once more, changing
several of his answers. Later, the instructor, who had
seen all this, asked him why he started flipping the coin again.
He replied, "I thought I should recheck my answers."
Submitted by Clifford the
An opportunity for prayer
The photographer for a national
magazine was assigned to take photos of a forest fire. Smoke
at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically
called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting
for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough,
a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in
the air. "Fly over the North side of the fire," yelled the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!
I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" answered
the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot asked, "You mean you're not the
Submitted by Clifford the
Jean Paul, who was from Louisiana
and had been a deacon, was well known in his home church as
a creative fundraiser. He moved to Texas and went to a new church.
This new pastor mentioned certain financial needs they had,
and John Paul, wanting to help, bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry,
but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
Jean Paul said, "Well, then, just give me my money back." The
farmer replied, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."
The Cajun deacon named Jean Paul decided he could deal with
this and said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with 'em?" asked the farmer.
"The church needs money, I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya' cain't raffle off a dead donkey!" snorted the farmer.
"Sure I can", Jean Paul responded, "Watch me. I just won't tell
anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun at a church service
and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off on behalf of the church. I sold 500 tickets
at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
Submitted by Clifford the
worker had the job of processing all mail with illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to him, addressed in a shaky handwriting
to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what
it's all about." So he opened it and read,
I am an 83- year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which
was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday
is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter
to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came
up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had
collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent
over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm
glow, thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came
and went, and a few days later came another letter from the
old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough
for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able
to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day,
and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there
was 4 dollars missing.
It was no doubt those thieves at the post office."
St. Peter questioned three married
couples to see if they could enter heaven. "Why do you deserve
to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asked one of the men, who had
been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but
you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you
even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard
and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected
him, pointing out that he had been a glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's
get out of here."
Submitted by Clifford the
The preacher was wired for sound
with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about
the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved
to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again. After doing this several times, a little
girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Two pastors in a small community
were very competitive with one another. It got so bad that the
mayor brought them into his office and discussed it with them.
He suggested the two of them “do things together” and maybe
that would help. It was worth a try they thought, and decided
to go sky diving. They jumped from the airplane and all went
well for the first pastor; his chute opened perfectly. The second
pulled the cord and nothing happened – he kept falling straight
down. He passed the first pastor, who got angry, unbuckled his
harness, jumped out of it and shouted, “So you wanna’ race,
Submitted by Mary Thomas:
counseling, the pastor told the husband to be more assertive.
"You're henpecked", the pastor insisted. The husband thought
about it, went home, slammed the door, demanded his dinner,
told his wife he was going to take a shower, and shouted, "I'm
going out with the boys!" As he was rushing up the stairs, he
turned and asked, "Do you know who's going to shampoo my hair
and bring me a towel?" She paused for a moment and replied softly,
Submitted by Don Haynes:
minister in the second week of his first parish, was obliged
to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Actually, the widow laughed with relief when she related his
passing to the minister and as she told him about the character
of her husband. Standing before the open casket and attempting
to console the widow (no one else attended the funeral), he
said, "I know this must be difficult, Mrs. Vernon. But based
on your statements about the deceased, we must remember that
what we see here is the husk only, the shell... the nut has
substitute preacher introduced himself and tried to describe
what a substitute preacher is. He said, "If somebody broke this
stained glass window (and he gestured to his left), a substitute
window might be temporarily placed there, which might be cardboard
or plastic," and he went on with this idea for nearly half the
sermon for that morning. As the people were leaving the service,
a parishioner came up to him and said, "Preacher, you're no
substitute, you're a real pane!"
following statements about the bible were written by children.
They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling
has been left in).
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had
an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. Jesus
enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It
was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums
was St. Matthew who was also a taxi man.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. Christians have only one
spouse. This is called monotony.
young minister of a liberal denomination and his Bishop boarded
a train headed through the mountains. They found no place to
sit except for two seats right across from a young woman and
her grandmother. After a while, it was obvious that the young
woman and the young minister were interested in each other,
because they were giving each other subtle "looks." Soon the
train passed into a tunnel and it became pitch black. There
was the distinct sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap. When
the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without
saying a word. None of the four looked at one another. The grandmother
thought to herself: "It was very brash of that young man to
kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him." The Bishop
was thinking: "I didn't know he was brave enough to kiss the
girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped
and hit me!" The young woman thought: "I'm glad the young man
kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The
young minister sat there with a smile inside. He thought to
himself: "Life is good. How often does a young minister have
the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Bishop all
at the same time!!!!!
pastor's wife, who had been urging her little son to "tell me
when something happens," heard little Zachary's voice calling
from the bathroom. "Mommy, my toothbrush fell into the toilet."
She smiled, went to him, fished the toothbrush out of the toilet
and threw it into the trash. As she was unwrapping a new one
for him, he climbed up on the stool, got her toothbrush out
of the medicine cabinet, and threw it into the trash. She asked,
"Zachary, why did you do that to my toothbrush?" He replied,
"I dropped it into the toilet a few days ago, and now I know
what to do with it."
boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like
father was concerned about his son who was about a year away
from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge
of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel
to experience his heritage firsthand.
A year later, the young man returned home, saying, "Father,
thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son
said. "It was a wonderful and enlightening experience, however,
I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the old man, "what have I done?" So, in the
tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and
sought his advice and solace. "It is strange that you should
come to me," said his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel,
and he returned a Christian."
So, in the traditions of the Patriarchs, they went to see the
Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," said the
Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned as a Christian.
What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to
the Lord," said the Rabbi.
So, they fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out
their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the ceiling and
then the clouds above opened and a mighty voice boomed out:
"Amazing that you should come to Me with this problem. I, too,
sent My Son to Israel....
Submitted by Jim Limpp:
hard to try to imagine a life lived for God that is based on
dishonesty, but an amazing number of people try to pull it off.
was driving along a country road. He swerved but it was too
late, and he accidentally hit a small white rabbit with his
car. He stopped, got out and looked but the rabbit was dead.
He was a tender man and began to cry. Just then, another car,
driven by a lady who was one of his parishioners, drove up.
She saw his tears, stopped her car, and stepped out.
She reached into her purse, pulled out a spray can and sprayed
the rabbit. The little creature blinked, stood up, waved his
little paw twice, and hopped away, stopping every so often to
wave back at the pastor and the lady. The bunny got to the edge
of the forest, stopped and waved its little paw once more, before
disappearing into the trees.
Stunned, the pastor asked, “What’s in that spray can?” She pointed
at the can and showed him the label. Sure enough, it said, “Hare
Spray… Gives life to damaged hare and adds permanent wave.”
Swindoll spoke of an old Presbyterian preacher, who prayed,
"Lord, let something happen that is not in the bulletin."
received a communication from a reader who has stated, "sometimes
we just need a little boost to get us started," and they refer
us to a song we fortunately have not heard (please don't send
us the words), entitled "Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goal
Posts of Heaven."
Sunday School teacher had been told by Bobby's parents that
he sometimes didn't tell the truth, and so, when she inquired
of the class, "What is a lie?" she asked Bobby to give the answer.
He looked at her and replied, "A lie is an abomination to the
Lord; a very present help in time of trouble."
From Pastor Roger Richer:
pastor thought had given them excellent advice and the counseling
sessions, he felt, were now complete. He didn't think the man
was quite as boastful as before, and the wife seemed to be getting
control of her temper. But the husband, at that point, was animatedly
telling the pastor and his wife just how much he had learned!
He stopped to take a breath near the end of the session and
his wife said, "Now that we’ve learned to communicate, shut
Told by Pastor Dave Rader:
priest went to the younger priest who had been making all the
changes within the local parish. The older man said, "I have
been patient with all the changes you have made. I did not argue
with you when you put in bucket seats for the first two rows,
and yes, they have been filled with young people. I did not
object when you brought in a rock and roll band, and yes, those
concerts have been attended by many young people. But the drive-through
confessional has been too much, and the sign over it which says,
"Toot and Tell or Go To Hell", just has to go!
Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip
to Louisiana. On his arrival, he opened his laptop and sent
an email back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped
a letter in the address and the email ended up going to a Mrs.
Joan Johnson, the widow of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the email and promptly
fainted. When she was finally revived by onlookers, she nervously
pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it
sure is hot down here! Love. Your husband"
the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one
of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
Submitted by Don Haynes:
preacher was contacted by a funeral director to hold a graveside
committal service at a small local cemetery, for someone with
no family or friends. The preacher had not been to this particular
cemetery before and started out early, but he made several unexpected
turns and quickly got lost.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight,
and two workmen were eating lunch near a grave-sized hole in
the ground. The pastor (who had not yet learned to ask when
he did not know), went to the opening in the ground and found
a lid was already in place. He took out his book he read the
service. Returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen
ask the other: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
PO Box 92131
Long Beach, CA 90809-2131