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Humor
2000-2001
 
 
Humor 12/29/01    
  A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself after his nap during Sunday School, but his teacher noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Billy, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, they're the only feet I got!"
   
Humor 12/25/01    
  In a small southern U.S. town there was a "Nativity Scene" showing great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered a visitor from another part of the country: The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets!

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the visitor left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You durn Yankees don’t never read the Good Book!"

He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally exasperated, she exclaimed, "Wa’al, I cain’t find it, but somewhar' it says there wuz three wise men came from afar."
   
Humor 12/18/01  
  At a ministerial retreat, the organizers decided to allow a free afternoon for just socializing. Three of the pastors went fishing together. Two of them had been to this particular spot before. After awhile, one of them said, " I'm going back to shore for a minute." He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the beach. He bought some worms at the waterfront store, and then walked back across the water to the boat.

A few minutes later, the second one said, I’ll be back in a few minutes," and he stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He bought a diet soda, and walked on the water right back to the boat.

The third pastor was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, "well, if they can do it, so can I!" He gulped, excused himself, stepped over the side . . . and sank like a rock! He climbed back into the boat with assistance, stepped over again, and sank to the bottom once more. Sputtering, he was climbing back in so he could try it again.

The first pastor turned to the second and asked, "You think we should tell him where the rocks are?"
   
Humor 12/12/01    
  A little girl who loved the Lord was attending a friend’s Sunday School, which was taught by a person of the "liberal" persuasion. The teacher was explaining that Jonah could not have been swallowed by a whale, because whales do not have throats large enough for an adult person. The little girl raised her hand and said "I believe a whale (or a large fish) DID swallow Jonah."

The teacher said "You can’t know that – how could you ever tell if it really happened? The little girl answered, "I’ll ask Jonah about it when I get to heaven." The teacher asked, "What if he went to hell?"

The little girl said, "Then you ask him."
   
Humor 11/29/01  
  Two brothers were nearing death. Envious of his brother, the older of the two asked God: "Why has my brother been blessed with wealth and happiness and I with nothing? All of my life I never missed a single day without saying my morning and evening prayers. My Church attendance has been perfect. I have made not a single decision in my life without first calling Your Name. And now, as I am nearing my final days, I pray to You day and night. Yet I can hardly afford to pay my meager rent. My brother on the other hand drinks and gambles all night long. Not once have I heard him in prayer. Yet my brother has more money than he can count. So I ask you God not to punish my brother but to tell me why have You allowed him such wealth and happiness while I have been left with nothing?"

"Because," God replied, "you are such a self-righteous pain-in-the-neck!"
   
Humor 11/21/01

Submitted by Clifford the Clown

 
  The pastor's wife was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her rather large family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy looked at her strangely and replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
     
   

 

Humor 11/16/01

Adam had been away for several days, tending the other side of the fields. When he returned, Eve was upset with him and wanted to know, "Where have you been?" He told her he had been "tending the Garden," but she did not believe him. "You've been with another woman, haven't you?", she demanded. He replied, "That's ridiculous, there AREN'T any other women on this planet!" And then he fell asleep. Adam awoke suddenly, because someone was poking him in the ribs. He yelled, "What are you DOING?" She replied, "I'm counting your ribs!"

Humor 11/7/01

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end: "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail"!

Humor 11/1/01

The pastor's wife had a hectic day, and her small son, who had been playing outside, came in with his pants torn.  "You go right in, remove those pants and start mending them yourself," she ordered.  Some time later, she went in to see how he was getting along.  The torn pants were lying across the chair, and the door to the cellar, usually kept closed, was open.  She called down the stairs, loudly and sternly:  "Are you running around down there without your pants on?"  "No, ma'am," was the deep-voiced reply.  "I'm just down here reading your gas meter."

Humor 10/27/01

The pastor was counseling a couple who had many problems.  The current issue really angered the wife and the pastor asked more about it.  The husband replied, "About a year ago, a thief broke into my wife's car and stole all her credit cards.  She wants me to report it to the police but I still haven't, because I've found the thief spends less than she did!"

Humor 10/24/01

Bubba went hunting in the woods of Alabama with his pastor. After walking some distance, the pastor suddenly grunted and fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes were rolled back in his head. Bubba whipped out his cell phone and called 911.

He gasped to the operator, "I think my pastor is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help.  First, let's make sure he's really dead."

There was a silence ... then a shot was heard!

Bubba's voice came back on the line. He then said, "OK, now what?"

Humor 10/18/01

Another reason to just be yourself (submitted by Ernie Pyle)

Jean, a middle-aged woman, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. When she saw God, she asked if this was the end. God gently said, "No," and explained to her that she had another 30 or 40 years to live. 

Upon her recovery, Jean decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. She figured that since she had another 30 or 40 years left, she might as well make the most of it, and look 19 again. 

As soon as Jean walked out of the hospital, she was struck and killed by a speeding ambulance. When she arrived in front of God again, she said, "I thought you had given me another 30 or 40 years!"  "I didn't recognize you," replied God. 

Humor 10/13/01

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake, and their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Humor 10/5/01

A Sunday School teacher in Arizona was concerned for her children, so she taught a class about survival safety. After sharing some of the material, she asked, "What items would be at the top of YOUR list, if you could only have three things with you when you got lost in the desert?" Several hands were raised, and some of the responses were quite good. Included were items like food, matches, hats, and water.

Then she asked little Johnny what he would bring, and without hesitation, he responded, "a compass, a bottle of water, and a deck of cards!" She was surprised and asked "Why?"

Johnny answered, "The compass will tell me which direction to go; the bottle of water is for when I get thirsty, and the deck of cards is for my grandmother. She always says that ‘Just as sure as can be, when you’re playing solitaire, someone will pop up behind you and tell you to put the red nine on the black ten!’ When they do, I’ll just ask them for a ride home!’"

Humor 9/28/01

"Lord," Adam began, "Eve is so beautiful, and I love her. Why did you make her so beautiful, Lord?" And God answered, "So you will always want to look at her, and so you will love her."

Adam considered that, and then asked, "Why did you make her skin so soft? I love to touch her so much". And God replied, "So you will always want to touch her and hold her"

After thinking about that, Adam said, "She smells so good, Lord, why did you make her smell so good?" And the Lord answered, "So you will always want to be near her."

Adam thought some more, and then he said, "One more thing, Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so slow mentally?" And the Lord responded, "So she will love you, Adam."

Humor 9/19/01

A gracious, kindly lady was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Humor 9/9/01

When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. She was especially concerned that her daughter would be afraid.  Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed. Seeing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining happily, "I think that all the way home, God's been taking my picture!"

Humor 9/3/01 (Submitted by Clifford the Clown):

One Sunday in a Midwest Church, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up & started walking sternly up the aisle with the boy. Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

The father missed a step out of embarrassment but then a lady shouted from the pew behind where the boy had been sitting, "I already did pray, and He’s answered my prayer!"

Humor 8/31/01

A man arrived at the pearly gates, and requested admission. St. Peter read through the Big Book to see if the guy's name was written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closed the book, furrowed his brow, and said, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" the man asked.

"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replied, "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter replied, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The man thought for a moment and responded, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing a poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20-of them harassing her. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to ‘get lost or I'd be next.’"

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'" St. Peter, duly impressed, said "Wow! When did this happen"

"About three minutes ago."

Humor 8/24/01

Mrs. Nelson asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, and so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," responded Kyle.

"I see.. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Mrs. Nelson said. "But who's the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

Humor 8/19/01

Actual Church Signs:

  • "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
  • "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
  • "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
  • "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
  • "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
  • "Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
  • "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
  • "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
  • "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Humor 8/10/01

Churches change with the times and an extremely large one decided to employ a full-time Human Resources Director. She was extremely successful in this function for many years until she was tragically killed by a bus. St. Peter was surprised, because, as he put it, "We've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," asserted the H.R. Professional.

"Not quite yet," he replied, "We've decided to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you choose where you want to spend eternity." She again asked to stay in heaven, but he frowned and said "Sorry, we have rules."

The elevator to hell went down a LONG way, until finally the doors opened and she stepped out onto the putting green of a lovely country club, and standing there were her fellow Human Resource Executives in formal attire - and they were all cheering for her. They talked about old times, had an excellent lobster and steak dinner (complete with a Cisco training program), and danced. The devil was the host and as she put it, "he's actually a pleasant guy."

Then it was back on the elevator and up to 24-hours of lounging on clouds, playing the harp and singing. She had a great time, after which St. Peter retrieved her and said, "Now you must choose your eternity." She paused and then responded, "I never thought I'd say this, I mean, heaven is great and all that, but I think I had a better time in hell." So, St. Peter escorted her back to the elevator and down she went to hell.

This time the door opened to an incredibly hot and desolate wasteland, full of garbage and filth. Her H.R. friends were dressed in rags and were running from demonic creatures who were insisting the people pick up trash and put it into sacks they did not have.

I don't understand," she stammered to the devil, "Where did the country club go?" Where's the wonderful clothing and good food? Where's the nice music?" The devil looked at her and laughed: "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today, you're staff!"

Humor 8/5/01

A college drama group from the Department of Religion presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell," the stagehand pulled the rope. The actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One divinity student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:

"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

 

Humor 7/31/01

A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother: "Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!"

Mom: "God's not hard of hearing, son."

Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's pretty deaf!

Humor 7/27/01 (submitted by George Ochs)

Part of the boy's duties included plowing the field for his father. One day, as he often did, he was taking a break under the old apple tree, looking up at the sky and dozing intermittently. Suddenly, he was wide awake, for he saw a large cloud start to break up and form what looked like - letters!

Sure enough, it was happening, and soon he could make out the rather distinct letters "G. P."

With that, the boy jumped up and raced to his father, and told him he was "called to preach by the Lord."

Off he went to Divinity School, majoring in Pastoral Education, where it quickly became apparent he had no talent or gifts whatsoever in the area of ministry. He was given a "worst ever" rating by his Homiletics teacher, who went on, "This boy will NEVER learn to preach a sermon!"

The Dean of the Religion Department called the boy in, asked him about his call to ministry, and the boy told him about the "G. P." in the sky, which to him obviously meant he was to "Go Preach." The Dean laughed and said he had "heard this before" - What the Lord really said was "GO PLOW."

Humor - 7/18/01

A clergyman walking down a country lane saw a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Humor - 7/10/01

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, in a voice that was a little bit too loud, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" 

Humor - 7/6/01

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world - there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Humor - 6/22/01

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the family car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make you a deal, Son. You bring up your grades at school, study your Bible a little more and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it.

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought up your grades, you've studied your Bible diligently, but your didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, Abraham had long hair, David had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair ..."

To which his father replied, "Yes, Son. That's is all true. Everyone you named had long hair. And they also all walked everywhere they went!"

Humor - June 15, 2001

IF HYMNS WERE WRITTEN BY CHRISTMAS AND EASTER CHRISTIANS ...

  • I Surrender Some
  • There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
  • Fill My Spoon, Lord
  • Oh, How I Like Jesus
  • He's Quite A Bit to Me
  • I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
  • Take My Life but Let Me Be
  • It is My Secret What God Can Do
  • Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
  • Just As I Pretend To Be
  • When the Saints Go Sneaking In
  • Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
  • A Comfy Mattress is Our God
  • Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
  • Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
  • Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
  • Praise God from whom All Affirmations Flow
  • My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
  • O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
  • I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
  • Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
  • All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
  • When Peace, Like a Trickle
  • I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
  • We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
  • What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
  • My Faith Looks Around for Thee
  • Joyful, Joyful, We Think Thee Pretty Good
  • Blessed Hunch
  • Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
  • We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
  • Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
  • Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style!

Humor - June 5, 2001  (Contributed by Roger Cochran)

Three pastors were meeting together for confession and prayer. This was to be the first time they met together in such a manner. The first pastor confessed to a "hidden" problem with alcohol. He commented, "I can’t wait until the end of counseling sessions, so I can take a drink between appointments."

The second minister bowed his head, and in a soft, strained voice, confessed that "because of financial problems, I’ve been taking money from the offerings. I should stop but I can’t. It seems like something always comes up that I need the money for, and I just take a little more"

After a few moments of silence, they both looked at the third pastor, who stood up, grinned broadly, and said, "I’ve got a problem with gossip, and I can’t wait to get out of here!"

Humor - June 2, 2001

A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes," "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

Humor - May 25, 2001

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"

Humor - May 19, 2001  (Submitted by Ernie Pyle)

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he added, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he shouted, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he gave an altar call, and several parishioners came forward to renounce alcohol. The pastor then sat down with a smile.

His smile left him, however, because the song leader (not a temperance man) stood very cautiously and announced with a modest smile of his own (and a twinkle in his eye): "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365; 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Humor - May 16, 2001

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.   After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous, but he had an idea. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"

Humor - May 6, 2001

God has been regarding Earth and has seen all of the evil that is going on. He called an angel and sent them to us. On the angel's return, he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad and 5% was good. This was serious and God sent another angel to get a second point of view. When the angel returned he confirmed that indeed Earth was in decline, with 95% bad and only 5% good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...

...

... Oh! you didn't get one??

Humor - April 27, 2001

A painter named Jock was interested in making money where he could, so he often thinned the paint to make it go further. He got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big painting job on one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. He erected the trestles set up the planks, bought the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinned it with too much turpentine.

Subsequently, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, the rain poured down, washed the thinned paint from off the church and knocked Jock clear off the scaffold. He landed on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, and so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"

Humor - April 20, 2001

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, tell me frankly, Jack, do you say your prayers before eating?"

Jack looked away for just a moment before responding, and then he answered, "No, Ma'am, I don't have to - my Mom is a good cook!"

Humor - April 10, 2001

A wealthy young man went out and bought the best car he could: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It cost him $500,000. He took it out for a spin and stopped for a red light.

An elderly Pastor in clerical garb (about 75-years young) pulled up next to him on a moped.

The Pastor looked over at the sleek, shiny new car and asked, "What kind of car is that, young man?’

He replied, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," said the Pastor. "Why did it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" exclaimed the young man proudly. The older man asked, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replied the owner.

The Pastor poked his head into the window and looked around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he said, "That's a pretty nice car, all right . . . but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changed, and the young man decided to show the old Pastor just what his car could do. He floored it, and within 30-seconds the speedometer read 160 mph. Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whipped by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asked himself. He floored the accelerator and took the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he saw that it was the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gave it some more gas and passed the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He felt good again until he looked into his mirror and saw the old Pastor in his clerical garb gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of the man, he floored the gas pedal and took the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph!

Not 10-seconds later he saw the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari was flat out and there was nothing he could do.

Suddenly the moped plowed into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumped out; unbelievably, the old Pastor was still alive!!! He ran up to the mangled old man and said, "Oh, no! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old cleric whispered softly, "Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your... side-view...mirror."

Humor - April 6, 2001

At LAST the missionary reached the area of the pygmy tribe, and in an opening within the trees, found a pygmy standing next to a dead dinosaur. "Great Scott!" shouted the missionary, how did you kill such a large creature?"

"With my club," answered the pygmy, in perfect English.

"With your club?" exclaimed the missionary - "How big IS your club?"

"Oh, about sixty guys," responded the pygmy, gesturing toward the trees surrounding the missionary.

Humor - March 30, 2001

... One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy replied, "Well, Preacher, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, Preacher, if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

Humor - March 20, 2001

A Baptist couple felt it was important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in the rare "baptisto" breed, they found a dog the shopkeeper said had been trained in areas that would be interesting to them.   Sure enough, when they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.   When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new "baptisto" dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.  The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well.  This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Let's give it a try." Once more they called the dog, and clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

THEY HAD BEEN DECEIVED ... HE WAS A PENTECOSTAL DOG

Humor - March 11, 2001

At an Easter Mass, some young ladies were taking final vows to become Nuns.  Just then, the presiding Bishop noticed two Rabbis of his acquaintance enter the Church just before the Mass began.

They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle.

The Bishop wondered why they had come, but didn't have time to inquire before the Mass began. When it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see the two Rabbis at the mass but, was curious as to why they were present at this occasion when the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."

The eldest of the two Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

Humor - March 5, 2001

... Top 10 Signs Your Pastor's Baptism techniques are not what they should be....

10. The Coast Guard becomes involved in an unexpected way.

9. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park."

8. The Pastor wears a frogman outfit complete with air tanks.

7. As the baptism begins, the organist begins with the theme from "JAWS".

6. A tiny plastic-animated "Billy the Bass" sings "Take Me Down To The River".

5. The Pastor shouts, "Oops! I didn't know about that drop-off - Where is she?"

4. The Pastor can't get the large person back-up out of the water and shouts "Help!"

3. The Church board members show up with fishing gear and are packing a cooler.

2. As the choir sings, a Crocodile Hunter leaps from the water & wrestles with the Pastor.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Baptism service is not going as it should....

1. The Rapture occurs and the service continues - no losses reported among those in attendance.
 

Humor - February 23, 2001

The following was contributed by Mitch Brandon:

A drunk stumbled down the beach and into a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon. He proceeded to walk down into the water and stand next to Pastor Ron, who turned to him and asked, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looked back and responded, "Yes, Pastor. I sure am."

Pastor Ron then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?", Pastor Ron asked.

"No, I didn't!" replied the drunk.

Pastor Ron then dunked him again, quite a bit longer this time, brought him up and asked, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not, Pastor."

This time the man was held under for at least 40-seconds, and bringing him out of the water again, Ron loudly asked, "Have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk was getting sober now, as he wiped his eyes and he asked, "Pastor ... Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Humor - February 16, 2001

After the christening of his baby brother in Church, Little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied through his sobs, "That Preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

Humor - February 5, 2001

There was a Church where the Preacher and the Worship Leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.

One week, the Preacher gave a sermon on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The Worship Leader then led the song, "I shall not be moved."

The next Sunday, the Preacher spoke on giving, and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The Worship Leader responded by leading the song, "Jesus Paid It All."

The following week, the Preacher gave a message on Gossiping and how we should "watch our tongues." The Worship then led the song, "I Love To Tell The Story."

The Preacher was now very disgusted with the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The Worship Leader then led the song, "Oh, Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the Preacher did resign, and the next week informed the Church that it "was Jesus that led me here and it was Jesus that is taking me away." Following that announcement, the Worship Leader led the song, "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Humor - January 31, 2001

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious services when she was startled by an intruder. She had caught this man in the middle of robbing her home of its valuables, and she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (A Scripture verse saying "turn from your sin")

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38s!"

Humor - January 22, 2001

We have been sent the  "LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS" ---

God asked the man: "Why are you so sad, Adam?"

Adam replied that he had no one to talk with. 

God responded that He was "going to make Adam a companion" and that it would be a "woman".

God also said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. "

"She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "

"She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

"She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...

The preceding was submitted by Johnny Villalobos, also known as "Clifford the Clown" of California (who has more jokes than anybody I've ever met).
Humor - January 10, 2001

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. " His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
___________________

About an hour into the class, the Sunday School Teacher asked, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

Humor - December 29, 2000

Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob were God-fearing men who ascended to Heaven when they died. Once they arrived, St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates.

Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be dealt with. One rule is: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, it quacks, then they all quack, and it goes on and on." That sounded simple enough to the three men. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find ducks everywhere!

In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, making a terrible racket, and it went on and on. Along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow.

"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd have a problem." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.

Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, making a terrible commotion that went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman.

"I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be dealt with." With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.

Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.

Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, what did I do to deserve this?" "I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck...."

Humor --- December 5, 2000

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever, so she promptly left work and stopped at the pharmacy to get some medication. Upon returning to her car she found that her keys were locked inside. The woman looked around and found an old, bent, rusty coat hanger that had been thrown away, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this", so she bowed her head and asked God to send help. Within five minutes, an old, dented car pulled up, driven by a dirty, bearded man who was wearing a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Lord, this is what you sent to help me????" But, she was desperate, and so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She replied, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and locked the keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "SURE," walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH.....You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour. "The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears, cried out loud...

"THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"


Humor --- November 17, 2000

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.  Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey", died last week at 83.

It was especially difficult for the family. They had trouble keeping him in the casket.   They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest...

-----------------------------

If a seagull got fed up with the ocean and went to live in a bay, would you then have to call it a "bagel"?  (by Alan Johnson)

Humor --- October 27, 2000

TOP TEN THINGS PASTORS SELDOM HEAR IN CHURCH

10. Hey!  It's MY turn to sit in the front pew!

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over 45 minutes.

8. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than TV.

7. I've decided to give the church the $500 a month I used to spend on golf.

6. I volunteer to be a permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget about a minimum salary - let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to a Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

And the Number One thing never heard in church:

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our Board Meeting!

Humor --- October 7, 2000

President Bush was at an airport and saw a man holding a shepherd's staff in one hand, and he had two tablets of stone in the other.  He went up to the man, who was wearing flowing, white robes, and asked, "Are you Moses?"

The man didn't answer, but instead looked up at the ceiling.   Pres. Bush asked him the same question again, but the man again looked away and did not answer.  Finally, the President faced the man squarely, looked him in the eyes, and once more asked, "Are you Moses?"

The man responded, "Yes, I am."

Governor Bush said, "That's good, but why didn't you answer me the first two times I asked?"

The man sighed and responded, "The last time I spoke to a bush, I went into the wilderness for forty years!"

Humor --- September 29, 2000

A MOVING STORY

After three buddies died in a car crash, they found themselves in the heavenlies, attending an orientation meeting.  Several preliminary questions were asked of them, followed by this one:  "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are commenting about you, what would you like to hear them say?"

The first one responded, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time, and a wonderful family man."

The second man answered, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific husband and an outstanding school teacher; a man who made a huge difference in the lives of our children of tomorrow."

The last guy, who was not so sure about all this, replied, "I would like to hear them say ... 'Look! He's Moving!!!'"

Humor --- September 22, 2000

Some people say, "I go to church, so I am a Christian."  But that's like saying if you go to McDonald's, you’re "a Quarter Pounder".

        - Adam Christing (Used with permission)

I fear that one day I'll meet God, He'll sneeze, and I won't know what to say.

        - Ronnie Shakes (Used with permission)

Humor --- September 17, 2000

THE IMPORTANCE OF PICKING THE RIGHT HYMN

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to (after the worship service) ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the Church building.  In relation to this, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.   The substitute wanted to know what to play (The regular organist would KNOW).

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.  "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and sisters, we are in great difficulty - the roof repairs cost twice as much as we had expected, and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist began to play "The Star Spangled Banner."

Humor --- September 8, 2000

Things at the Church weren’t running so well.  In an effort to inspire efficiency, the Church Administrator had placed a sign directly above the men's room sink.   The sign had a single word in it:  "THINK!"

The next day someone had carefully lettered another sign just above the soap dispenser that read, "THOAP!" 

Humor --- September 1, 2000

Little Robert opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the frayed pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible!  The boy picked it up and examined at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages!

"Mommy, look at what I found," Robert called out.  "What have you got there, dear?" his mother inquired.  Astonishment was filling the young boy's face and voice, as he whispered:  "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Humor --- August 25, 2000

We were traveling one summer and, like a good Christian family, attended Church while we were on vacation.  One lazy Sunday, we found our way to a little country Church.   It was a hot day and the folks were nearly "out" in the pews.  The preacher was droning on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife."  The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook.  Then the preacher said, "It was my mother."  The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded.   I filed this trick away in my memory; as a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost.

Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them.  Then I remembered our experience in that country Church, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife."  Sure enough, I had their attention.  One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him.  I had them.  But you know something; I forgot what came next.   All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name."

Humor --- August 18, 2000

A man died and went to heaven.  And of course, St. Peter met him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter said, "Here's how it works.  You need 500 points to make it into heaven.  You tell me all the good things you've done, and I'll give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.  When you reach 500 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man said, "I was married to the same woman for 50-years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," said St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?"  he said. "Well, I attended Church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and my service."

"Terrific!" said St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point?  Gee whiz!  How about this?  I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless Veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he said.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cried, "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

Visit Past Humor:

Humor 2008
Humor 2007
Humor 2006
Humor 2005
Humor 2004
Humor 2003
Humor 2002
Humor 2000 - 2001

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