Pray With Me!
“So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their own
bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself”
(Ephesians 5:28)
A week ago, we attended a
“retreat” for pastors and pastor’s wives, in Palm
Springs, California. We’ve been privileged to meet
a lot of those who are in ministry, and we’re
finding that the hardest job in the church is the
pastor’s wife. She typically has full-time
employment outside the home, has children (one
couple at the retreat had twelve); she is a
housekeeper, cooks meals, cares for her husband and
somehow has at least one very demanding ministry in
the church. A problem is that the church has
certain expectations, often based on what her
predecessors did. If the lady who came before her
was in charge of the Sunday school, played the piano
and led the choir at the same time – watch out!
They’ll want her to do it, too, even if her gifts
are not in those areas.
It’s tough on her husband,
too. The congregation expects excellent sermons,
wonderful Bible studies, visits to the sick, the
leading of committees, directing the church board,
counseling, staff development, and more. If there’s
grass creeping up between the bricks in the
sidewalk, someone will confront you and tell you
about it, right after you thought you gave your best
sermon ever. Most of the 75 couples at the retreat
had no rest, no time for their children, no time for
prayer and no time for each other.
I met a lot of “P.K.’s”
(Preacher’s Kids) in college, and most wanted to be
ANYTHING but pastors and pastor’s wives. They
majored in psychology, sociology or communication,
and it seemed like they were never found in the
Department of Religion. The attendees at the
seminar had related issues. The “PK” is unwilling
to be a pastor or pastor’s wife, because they seldom
saw their fathers and were in the “spotlight” at
church – it seemed like everybody in the
congregation was watching them, and they probably
were.
Humor is important, and the man
who led the seminar, himself the son of a pastor who
was seldom home, told this joke: “At
the beginning of his sermon, the pastor took four
jars and while he was talking, filled each one. The
first was filled with whiskey, the second with
smoke, the third with chocolate syrup, and the
fourth with earth – dirt. He then placed one
earthworm into each bottle and put lids on them. At
the end of his message, he opened all the jars and
took out the earthworms. Three of them were dead,
but the one that came from the jar filled with earth
was alive and wriggling around on his hand. He
asked the congregation, “Do you know what this
means?” An elderly lady called back to him, “Yes.
If you drink, smoke and eat a lot of chocolate,
you’ll never get worms!”
The “elderly lady” in the joke
we just heard, is typical of much of our
“communication.” We mean one thing, we often say
something else without realizing it, and our
listener is likely to form a conclusion that is far
from our original intent. And this, unfortunately,
happens all too often in marriage, whether the
couple is in ministry together or not.
We received some interesting
information during our stay at the retreat in Palm
Springs. A recent survey of pastors indicates that
50% of churches in the United States are either at a
plateau or are declining in attendance. 33% say
that pastoral ministry is “an
outright hazard” to their family. 80%
believe that pastoral ministry affects their
families negatively. 90% feel they are inadequately
trained to cope with ministry needs. 40% report a
serious conflict with a parishioner at least once a
month. And this is incredible: We lose 1,000 to
1,500 clergy from the pulpit a month – they just
can’t do it anymore!
Their spouses can’t do it,
either. Another survey indicated that only about
half of pastor’s spouses feel called to be pastor’s
wives. They are isolated, lonely, worried about how
it will affect their children, insecure and unable
to do what they think they’re supposed to do.
During one portion of the
retreat we were divided into a men’s session and a
women’s group, and were sent to separate meeting
rooms. In the men’s group, we were told that a poll
had been taken of a large group of pastor’s wives,
and then they asked this: “What
do you think your wife wants from you, more than
anything else?” One of the men replied with
something like, “Anticipate
their needs!” Another called out, “Communication!”
Another man and I said the word “Listen”
at about the same time. The speaker nodded at our
answers, but continued: “No.
None of those are what the pastor’s wives in the
poll said they wanted most of all. They want you to
PRAY with them - and for them!”
Just like men everywhere,
pastors are VERY busy these days. We always were,
but it’s getting even more so. The typical pastor
is seldom seen by his children at dinner, but when
you think about it, that’s true of plumber’s
children and salesman’s children, too. You FINALLY
get home from visiting the sick, fixing the leak or
making the sale, and you’re exhausted to the point
where you just stare at the TV set – or the wall.
She has an incredible amount to
tell you, but you don’t hear. And if your wife
truly KNOWS the Lord, she is filled with the Spirit,
and He is calling out in her heart the reality that,
more than anything else in life, you are supposed to
pray with her and for her. That was perhaps the
most incredible statistic at the retreat – because
of their busy schedules, 95% of the many pastors who
were asked how much time they were able to devote to
daily prayer, answered: LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES A
DAY!
If the pastor, who is supposed
to be the model for us all, can’t pray effectively
for his wife, children or anybody else, what is the
plumber or salesman doing? The answer is that very
few have the time or inclination to pray. To pray
with and for your wife, knowing and believing that
God will heal her needs and knit her wounds, is a
form of loving her. That’s part of what it means
when Scripture says we “ought
to love (our)
own wives as
(our) own bodies.”
It continues: “he who
loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians
5:28).
My wife and I have started
WRITING our prayers for each other, for our children
and others in our lives. In case I didn’t get it
right in praying for her, I asked: “What should I
pray for you?” She answered me honestly, which
enables me to PRAY effectively for her. If you are
a woman, hearing these words, let your husband KNOW
what he should ask in prayer for you. If you are
the husband, start praying with and for your wife.
Father, I get it! We need to
pray – help us, Lord! And let these words be a
wake-up call; that husbands might PRAY with and for
their wives. In Jesus Name. Amen.
